Anyone unlucky enough to receive an invite to our dumb show would have read these mystifying instructions: “Dress code is nice, but no tux or anything crazy like that.”

Our own Drew insists on getting “crazy like that,” not just because he is a brave and bold contrarian with Takes, but also because he will be our half-drunk steward for tonight’s events, and a tux is just what any awards show host wears. The rest of the male staffers sit on a spectrum that spans from button-down and jeans, to blazer borrowed from guy he just met two days ago, to suit without tie, to suit with tie tied casually like a shitty sports columnist, to suit with tie plucked from cool tie rack. Two out of three female staffers are wearing black dresses and the last is wearing a dress that is not black. Former Deadspin intern Kyle Wagner has been advised to adhere to the “Hoopster” theme.

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This group of bloggers who revel in casualness and crassness now find themselves asking one another in hushed tones: What are you guys wearing? What should I wear? Maybe they’re just seeking the answer to that more general question: How do I look nice?

The first step to looking nice is to be recently washed and patted dry, like a nice peach. The next and trickiest step is to find clothing that actually fits the shape of your body, garments that neither constrain blood flow nor drape like a small son donning father’s clothing. Focus the most on this step. T-Mac did not focus enough on this step.

The final step is to stand up straight with shoulders square and avoid sweating. I’m glad we slated this event for the dead of July in downtown Manhattan.

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What constitutes looking nice for you? Shearing off your unsightly facial hair? Ironing some sad slacks? Swapping out your Chef Currys for loafers? Please share, and please do these things before joining us for the Awards tonight, either in person or from the comfort of your couch, very alone and very far away from all of us.