Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering potluck weddings, uniforms, baseball coaches, boogers, and more.

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Your letters:

Carlos:

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How many presidents do you think have watched or looked at porn in the Oval Office? My buddy Cameron and I were debating if Nixon ever ordered a copy of Deep Throat to watch in his final days.

Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton are definites. Our friends at io9 compiled a list of spooky movies that Nixon watched in the White House, one of which was a sexy thriller called What the Peeper Saw:

“I had seen this most obscene, horrible goddamn movie the other night,” President Nixon told his staff, before lamenting the fact that wholesome movies were no longer in style with the American public.

Oh yeah, Nixon jerked off to that. He watched it with his pants around his ankles and did his business and then cursed the Jews in Hollywood for corrupting him. That would be the Nixon move. Let’s start at the turn of the century and try to identify which American presidents might have developed a furious fapping habit.

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Teddy Roosevelt. I would put him down for NO, because the thing that gave TR the biggest boner was killing elephants. No need to look at naked women when you can summon Dumbo to the Oval Office and personally amputate his tusks. THE ULTIMATE RUSH.

William Howard Taft. Oh hell YES. Look at this fat, jolly perv. He looks like he MADE porn. He probably chased naked French girls around the White House while “Yakety Sax” played in the background.

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Woodrow Wilson. His wife died while he was in office, so YES. Helps with the grieving process.

Warren Harding. One of the worst, most corrupt presidents in history, so YES. In order to be truly corrupt, you also have to be unrelentingly horny.

Calvin Coolidge. I know nothing about Calvin Coolidge. Was he REALLY president? What if historians made him up? I truther his very existence. Anyway … YES.

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Herbert Hoover. Plunged America into the Great Depression and didn’t even realize it until people were eating bricks of dust for supper, so YES. That kind of rich, haughty indifference to human misery goes hand-in-hand with a healthy libido. Nice job, Hoover. While you were fapping to flappers, my grandpappy had to sleep on a bed of roaches!

FDR. YES. Cheated on his wife all the time. Surprisingly randy for a guy in a wheelchair. Kind of inspiring, frankly.

Harry Truman. I’m gonna put him down for NO, and that’s because he took over the job in the middle of a war and then ended that war by launching the only nuclear attack in world history. If I dropped two nuclear bombs, I would barely be able to get out of bed in the morning, let alone peruse a copy of STRUMPET magazine.

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Dwight Eisenhower. Nope.

JFK. YESSSSSSSSSSS YES YES YES. He probably had a stash of porn in the fucking motorcade. JFK suffered from horrible spine problems, colitis, thyroid issues, and Addison’s disease … and yet he STILL managed to sleep with every woman on the face of the planet. There was no stopping him.

Lyndon Johnson. He retrofitted a White House shower specifically so that one of the water jets could massage his dick, so YES.

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Nixon. We’ve covered this. I bet J. Edgar Hoover personally delivered surveillance audio of Martin Luther King, Jr. trysts DIRECTLY to this man. His ghost probably haunts RedTube.

Gerald Ford. His wife went to rehab, right? YES.

Jimmy Carter. Nope. People, there’s no time for self-gratification when the world is suffering from so much INJUSTICE. The amount of timber we use to make one issue of Penthouse magazine could build 100 peanut farms!

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Ronald Reagan. Given that Reagan was seemingly senile from age 14 onward, I’m gonna put him down for NO. Nancy probably gave him polite handjobs while he leafed through a copy of LIFE magazine.

George Bush. Nope. Probably didn’t even realize pornography existed.

Clinton. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWW!!!!

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George W. Bush. YES, if only because W was known as a prankster (no wonder he started two wars—pranksters are all terrible people), so he probably planted a copy of Hustler on Rove’s chair and was like, “Loogit Rove! Whatcha doin’ with all that porn, Tubby?” And then much laughter and bombing ensued.

Obama. YES, because aides have probably shown him celebrity sex tapes so that he can remain fluent in pop culture. How can I trust a president who hasn’t watched Ray J bone Kim Kardashian on-camera? These are the issues that matter to me.

That’s 13 Presidents, which is probably a low estimate, because every man ever has probably looked at pornography. But I’m sure there were guys like the first Bush who were like, “No, no, I don’t look at that sort of filth” before heading off to the shitter to sift through the PORN OF IMAGINATION.

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Kristen:

My 4-year-old boy has taken to eating his boogers in the most graphic way possible. I know boys just do shit like this, but he seems to undertake it with alarming enthusiasm. He shoves his fingers so far up there that I’m pretty sure he is at risk of inadvertently lobotomizing himself, and digs around so hard that the sides of his nose distort. That would be bad enough by itself—watching your only child’s nose buckle and undulate as if a guinea worm were about to bust out the side—but it gets a lot worse, because he then pulls out his snot-covered fingers and slurps up his glistening nose goo with disturbing, animated gusto. Like, picture a starving fugitive falling on a baby back rib. And now imagine the sound effects. Yeah, that’s pretty much what my life is like now. I’m writing because I have no goddamn idea what to do about this.

Before I address this, I just need to throw up.

[Throws up.]

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Okay, we’re back. No. Wait. I gotta go throw up again.

[Throws up again.]

OKAY. Now I’m ready. Apart from issuing threats and dishing out real punishment for booger-eating, you are probably helpless. There are certain issues like this where children will NEVER listen to their parents and will only stop if they hear it from a peer. In other words, you gotta find another kid to make fun of your kid for eating his boogers like a goddamn savage. THAT will get his attention. So wait for him to pull out another nose goblin, and then find your local bully and let him heap all kinds of verbal abuse upon your boy. PRESTO! No more nose-picking.

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One other idea: Why not dip your son’s fingertips in some kind of acid, so that his sinuses burn when he goes excavating? Seems reasonable. God, children are so disgusting. It’s like living with a hobo.

Phil:

Could you or I step in and be an MLB bench coach? What about a first base coach? They don’t seem to do shit.

Forget bench coach. You and I could manage the Mets! How hard could it be? Just ask your players what they wanna do, and then do that. Everything will work out for 10 seconds before falling apart!

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There are a great many intricacies to baseball strategy, and I assume that first and third base coaches have practice and player-development responsibilities that are far more valuable to the organization than actual gameday duties. BUT … I could still do that job. I could relay signs from the dugout, and wave guys home, and stand there during batting practice and say, “GOOD CUT, MATTY.” Also, I could tell bawdy jokes during practice to keep things light! Every coaching staff needs an Atmosphere Guy. You or I could do that job for the low, low price of $500,000 a year. It’s a bargain if you ask me.

I bet you and I could also coach an NBA team. It would be just like a former player taking over. You hire talented assistants, make them do all the work, and then stand around in a suit and look concerned for 48 minutes every night. That’s what half of all NBA coaches do. They don’t deserve their phony-baloney jobs. Give them all to US.

Jack:

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Imagine if, to attend an NFL game in person, you HAD to wear a full uniform, shoulder pads, helmet, and all. And it had to stay on the whole game. Would it make it better? It can’t possibly make going to a game in person any worse.

Do you have to keep the helmet on? Let me take the helmet off once in a while so I can get a little relief. In high school, we were supposed to keep our helmets on when we were on the sidelines during the whole game, because a) that way, no one lost a helmet, b) GOTTA BE READY. But it sucked, because the face mask obstructs your view and the ear pads make your ears sweaty four seconds after you put the helmet on. The chin strap gets clammy. Your hair gets wet and matted down. Your head starts to smell. Wearing a helmet is rough business, even if you do nothing with it on.

Otherwise, as someone who has watched many football games in full uniform from a bench area and has even fetched water for starting players (what an honor!), I can tell you that rocking a uniform DOES enhance the experience. You really feel like you’re part of the team, even if you’re actually just a fourth-string scout dummy. They could put you in at any time, provided a nuclear bomb wipes out every last available grown man in the vicinity except for you. I watch sports so that I might live vicariously through stud players and genius coaches and rich owners, so putting on a real uniform only ADDS to the delusion. That’s why fans in the Black Hole put on spiked shoulder pads and shit. If you don’t think Raider Milt treats every Sunday morning like a real gameday, you are sorely mistaken. He probably tapes his hands and does warm-up stretches and everything before throwing bottles at Charger fans.

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Andrew:

Let’s say the lawsuits against the NCAA develop in such a way that the NFL feels the need to step in and develop its own actual minor-league system to develop players. Every high school player with an ounce of potential is drafted/signed/whatever. Would “big-time” college football continue to exist as a going, profitable enterprise if it retained all the bells and whistles and traditions, but the players wearing Alabama and Florida uniforms were division III-level talents? Would the quality of play drive away fans, or would college football fans just adjust to the new normal and root for the alma mater just as strongly as they did before?

It would be like the NBA’s D-league. No one outside of moron basketbloggers watches that shit (because it’s horrible), but college basketball remains beloved and popular despite the talent drain. That’s what would happen with an NFL minor league. It would be roughly as popular as the old World League or Arena Football, and college football would remain popular because people have emotional attachments to those schools and their respective histories. You’re not just gonna drop being an Alabama fan because the Birmingham Truck Nutz came along.

The truth is that brand loyalty goes a long way. The quality of NFL games has been … uh … inconsistent this season. But do I really care? Nope. I still watch. College basketball has lost tons of players early to the NBA, and some March Madness games look like a fucking romper room that a teacher tossed a cookie into. But I still watch anyway. The detrimental effects of an existing minor league are hard to notice when you’re shitfaced and yelling, FUCK DUKE as loudly as you possibly can. I prize my rituals more than I actually prize the product itself.

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HALFTIME!

Grant:

What the hell is “shrink to fit”? Levis always advertised their jeans that way, but that doesn’t make any sense. The common rumor when I was a kid was that you were supposed to take a shower in them, and they would shrink to fit you perfectly. But that makes no sense. Won’t they just shrink even more when I wash them?

“Shrink to fit” means the jeans are gonna shrink like hell the first time you wash them. The idea is that you buy them stiff, wash them, have them shrink on you, and then you break them in by wearing them and slowly loosening up the fibers again, so they fit you comfortably.

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And that’s all true if you are a very tiny Italian man, in which case the entire fucking clothing industry has been set up to accommodate your body type. If you are a normal American man, those jeans are gonna shrink down to one percent of their original mass, and choke the life out of your waist until your balls wither and die. Fucking BIG JEANS. The entire denim industry is designed to make you feel fat and ugly. I’ve had enough of their choco-shaming!

[Wears muumuu forever.]

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When I was younger, pre-shrunk jeans were a big deal, because it meant the jeans wouldn’t shrink after you washed them the first time. And you know what? They still shrunk. One day they fit, and the next I’ve got muffin tops spilling out everywhere. I think the pre-shrunk jeans shrink down even MORE just to mess with your psyche. I think they had a secret conclave to figure out new ideas for making husky kids feel worse, and phony-ass pre-shrunk jeans were the end result of that little brainstorm. How about you assholes make pants that fit right the first time so that I don’t have to oil them up and keep them under the mattress like a catcher’s glove? I’M NOT BITTER.

Lincoln:

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I went back to Ann Arbor this fall to see Michigan’s first Jim Harbaugh home game, against Oregon State. I was sitting with some buddies about 20 rows above the visiting sideline, and we noticed former Oregon State/St. Louis Rams running back Steven Jackson standing there watching the game (presumably because no NFL team wants him, and he’s got nothing else to do). This led to a spirited debate about whether anyone would notice if Steven Jackson went into the locker room, put on a uniform and full pads, and came out and played in the game while wearing one of those visor things that made it impossible to see his face. Furthermore, if caught, what would his punishment be, and what would Oregon State’s punishment be? Would he be arrested? Fined? Would Oregon State football get the death penalty and be forced to close up shop?

People would notice. It’s Steven Jackson. OR DO ALL RUNNING BACKS LOOK ALIKE TO YOU?! You would watch the game and be like, “Hey, that looks like Steven Jackson,” and then Mike Patrick (terrible college games are always stuck with Mike Patrick) would say, “Hey, that looks like Steven Jackson,” and then the sideline reporter would dig through the roster and confirm that all the other running backs are over on the sideline (unless the coaches bound and gagged one of them and tossed him in a closet while Jackson used that same kid’s game jersey, which would be the smart move), and then Twitter would go insane, and then the NCAA would bring the thunder down on Oregon State for eight years, until the school appealed and the NCAA reduced the penalty to a year of sanctions because they don’t want to stop the revenue flow.

But I don’t know that you can punish Jackson himself in any way for the prank. He’s a private citizen. No official crime has been committed (unless they do the gagging thing). He could probably just go out for pancakes later that day.

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Mike:

I met Robert De Niro when I was in seventh grade. I knew well ahead of time I was going to have the opportunity, so I prepared by selecting a DVD from my parent’s collection for him to sign. As I browsed the shelf, I had options such as The Godfather Part II, Goodfellas, The Deer Hunter, and Taxi Driver (my dad is a huge De Niro fan), and selected what I thought was a great option. When I got in the room with him, he was super nice when I presented him with a copy of Meet the Parents to sign. I gave the DVD to my dad for his birthday, which was a few weeks later. He appeared happy, but in hindsight, do you think he should have killed me for fumbling that opportunity?

Well, I mean, he shouldn’t have MURDERED you. A light smack would have been sufficient. I think I would have picked Raging Bull or Taxi Driver, because those movies a) are good and b) feature De Niro in virtually every scene. The second Godfather is a great movie, but De Niro is only in it for, like, half an hour. The rest of the movie is Michael being a cock to everyone. WHAT-A HAPPEN TO YOU, MICHAEL? YOU-A USED TO BE SUCH A GOOD BOY! AY YAY YAY!

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(By the way, The Deer Hunter is also a great movie, but, like Godfather II, it features an eight-hour wedding sequence. You’re literally watching a wedding in real time.)

Steve:

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So 14 years after 9/11, I just discovered that my sister is a truther (based on a Facebook post, of course). How the hell did I not know this before today? How do I handle it when I see her? Did I ever really know her? So many emotions, but the first step is admitting it: Someone in my family is a 9/11 truther. Holy shit.

It’s fine. Enjoy it! I know my Thanksgiving could stand to be livened up with a few controlled-demolition takes. That’s what family is all about: You bicker and argue, and then Mama comes in with a big pot of SPICY MEATBALLS AND GABBAGOOL.

In general, people are far more tolerant of extreme political views and oddball theories when they encounter them in person. It’s not like the internet, which is a savage and horrible place. In real life, you smile and say to your sister, “Well, that’s certainly an interesting idea,” before chugging a bottle of Sutter Home in front of her. It’s the polite thing to do.

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Eli:

With the Notre Dame president’s recent comments about paying players in mind, what happens if the pope comes out this week and specifically says schools should pay college football players? Does he go against the pope? Can he even do that, since the pope is infallible?

Oh, he’d gladly go against the pope. One of the reasons Kim Davis supposedly got to meet the Cool Pope is because the American bishops are all dicks and tricked Cool Pope into it. For all the pomp and ceremony in the Catholic Church, there’s just as much political maneuvering and backstabbing there as there is anywhere else—perhaps even more so, given that all those guys are all unmarried and have nothing better to do. Old-time popes like the Borgias used to be flat-out criminals. I think I’d like that. Once Cool Pope serves his time, we should transition over to Gangster Pope to keep things interesting.

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By the way, that report from Notre Dame earlier this week stinks to high heaven. A rogue tutor was just randomly “coercing” players into having sex with her daughter if they wanted to get good grades? Unless you’re acting out a porn movie, that’s not how extortion works. “I’ll give you $1,000, but only if you also let me give you a car!” Notre Dame is crooked as hell.

Grant:

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Do I turn the air conditioner up or down to make it colder?

UP. I know that’s confusing, because you’re actually lowering the thermostat, but you’re upping the level of sweet, sweet aircon flowing into the room, so I like to announce that I am “jacking it up” to let the family know that I mean business.

This is why a fan says “HI” when it’s going top speed, even though you are trying to lower your body temperature. If you’re making a machine work harder, you’re upping it. STEP UP, MACHINES. Make my body livable again.

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Shawn:

They’ve now played 49 Super Bowls without ever having the home team play in their own stadium. I realize they’ve had a few close calls (San Francisco played a Super Bowl at Stanford; the L.A. Rams played a Super Bowl at the Rose Bowl), and Super Bowls haven’t always been played in NFL stadiums, yada yada yada. But what are the odds of the home team ever getting to play in the Super Bowl? Are you and I or anyone ever going to see a home team at the Super Bowl?

Oh, definitely, although not this year, because the Niners are hosting it, and the Niners are about as fun as a Mary Kay party right now. Due to sheer happenstance, the Sun Belt NFL teams haven’t been very good for the past few decades compared to Northern stalwarts like New England, Green Bay, and Pittsburgh. So that’s blown the odds for a warm-weather team like the Chargers or the Dolphins to host their own Super Bowl. But it’ll happen eventually, and it’ll be a big story, and then the game will be awful. That 49ers Super Bowl win at Stanford Stadium was one of the boringest Super Bowls in history. I don’t think I can remember a single play from it. If a home team makes it to the Super Bowl, they should relocate the game to the top of a skyscraper to even the odds back out.

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Joe:

How would you feel if one of your friends threw a potluck wedding?

Do I have to travel? If I have to travel, then fuck you. Feed me. But if it’s a tiny local wedding? Sure, I’ll bring Popeye’s. I’m 39. I’ve done enough weddings. It’s a whole goddamn THING. If you want your wedding to just be some drunken picnic, I fully support your cheapskate tactics. Just don’t expect a gift. I brought the chicken and biscuits. That’s your gift.

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Andrew:

If you eat a double cheeseburger, how many burgers have you eaten? My premise is, and will always be, that you have eaten two burgers.

Bullshit. There’s just one bun. You ate one burger. If you want to brag about SLAYING two burgers, then eat a raw bun after you’ve eaten the double. Then you can call yourself a real man.

Email of the week!

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Anonymous:

My girlfriend and I are in a Facebook group for swingers in our area, but they keep things closed down pretty tight to avoid getting deleted. There’s an admissions process, which basically consists of somebody in the group vouching for the person they want to bring in. It’s a great idea, and it helps keep drama/tourists to a minimum. We had a weird situation crop up once, though, where a couple nominated a single woman to be added to the group; it’s weird because the woman is a cousin of theirs. Like, a first cousin. As far as I know, they never played together—this isn’t Arkansas—but it still seems weird to want to bring her into your group. I can’t imagine running into a cousin at a swingers party; if I walked into a room and saw my cousin getting plowed, I’d probably need counseling. Am I alone on this?

Probably not? But hey, you’re the swinger, man. When you swing, you gotta be ready for people who don’t play by the rules. The mixed blood only adds to the danger!


Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also order Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

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Lead art by Sam Woolley.

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