Getty Images/Scott Barbour

Deadspin is a liberal site (some might say too liberal), and to that end we encourage you to explore your sexuality. A great way to do that safely and limitlessly is online. Of course you already knew that. As soon as there was an online, people just like you and me were horny on it.

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And now that online is basically everything and everywhere, and you carry it with you, even to the bathroom, you’ve probably got a routine down. If it works for you and it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s life, that’s great. (Please don’t tell me about it.) But just know that if you’re getting off to Twitter pics in the office bathroom, you’re not living your best life.

This should be obvious but in case it’s not, here’s how to be horny online:

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1. Click “File.” Click “New Incognito Window.”

2. Go to the search bar, type in your favorite kind of fucking.

3. Would you look at that? A whole bunch of people doing that thing you like to watch people do? Is it ethical? It is? Great, enjoy!

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Pretty simple, right? Except that the internet, naturally, is full of sex and sexiness and photos of people doing perfectly normal things that you’ve gone ahead and sexualized in your brain. Fine! Fantasies are perfectly legal and healthy, and if it was all mannequin challenges and Harry Potter analogies the internet would have been phased out ages ago.

But are you, say, a sports or sports-adjacent celeb who doesn’t want your butt-pic viewing habits to be sent to Deadspin’s tips line? A current or future elected official whose family values image would be compromised by the making public of your particular affinities? That’s easily prevented!

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A few things to consider:

1. The people you follow on Twitter and Instagram are publicly available.

2. The things you like on Twitter and Instagram are publicly available.

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3. If you’re “liking” lingerie shots that you come across while aimlessly scrolling through your feed on the subway with the sole intention of bookmarking them for a more private time, don’t bother. Instead, refer to the above directions next time you find yourself sufficiently alone.

4. If the Twitter or Instagram bio just says “You want to chat with me?” with a link, that’s a pornbot and no matter how many ass pics you like, she’s not going to slide into your DMs.

5. If you’re a man who could reasonably be considered famous and you follow a bunch of coeds with heavy cleavage in their avatar, bios that include loving dogs, donuts, or coffee, and less than 400 followers, we all know you’re doing it for the DM action.

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Any time you find yourself horny on your phone, you should hold off on doing anything with your phone (or anything else) until you’re in private and doing things in a way that internet users can’t track. I recognize that there are many potential exceptions to this rule—camping comes to mind—but it’s better to err on the side of obeying it. Pornbots in the palm of your hand are no excuse for public indecency.

Keep in mind that these are just the rules for voyeuristic digital horniness. A cool thing about the internet is that you can look at hot people without having to talk to them and almost certainly annoy them. But beyond strict observation of butt pics and bikini selfies, you’re going to need more advanced advice for Communicating Your Horniness Online. A good rule of thumb, assuming you don’t already have a relationship with the object of your horniness, is to only say shit you would in person, sober, to someone you respect.