Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering salad, whistling, the Rams, and more.
I heard a cover of Bryan Adams’ “Heaven” on Friday NightLights and I immediately thought of junior high dances (I’m 40). Which recording artist holds the record for slow dance erections? Is it Bryan Adams? It’s not Richard Marx, is it?? Phil Collins??? Holy shit, junior high was brutal....
It’s Aerosmith, because Aerosmith was recording monster power ballads from the 70s (“Dream On”) all the way through to the ‘90s (“Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing,” which is literally about James Brolin missing Barbra Streisand when he goes to sleep at night). I still get a funny feeling inside when I hear “What It Takes,” because that hit me right at the age where I was MOST likely to fall deeply in love with a girl and threaten to kill myself if she didn’t like me. IS IT EASY TO SLEEP IN THE BED THAT WE MADE, GIRL?!
I know that there are a lot of teeny-bopper artists like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys who have gotten more airplay at junior high dances, but no boy wants to dance to that. Junior high is when you REBEL against all that light pop music. I remember being like, “I’m not dancing to some pussy-ass Tiffany song. GOTTA WAIT FOR POISON TO MAKE MY MOVE.” It had to be my song, on my terms. That’s why hair metal ballads got such heavy rotation at our dances. Once the DJ spun “Sweet Child” or “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” things got SERIOUS. Everything needed to be just right for me to summon up the courage to ask a girl to dance, watch her be too polite to say NO, and then get my boner.
Here’s my junior high boner story. I was at one of those eighth grade dances, dancing with a girl in the standard position: far apart, my hand on her hips, her hands on my shoulders, both of us looking ANYWHERE but at each other. Well, I got a boner. Standard-issue boner. But we were spaced far apart and the boner was sticking up instead of out, so she didn’t notice it.
But then I went back to my classmates and, because I am an idiot with a big mouth, I said, “Boy, I had a boner the whole time!” That was a mistake, because they used it against me instantly (as will you). They started singing “Drew Has Got A Boner” to the tune of “Janie’s Got A Gun,” and kept it up for the rest of the year. I would walk down the hall and they would burst into a chorus:
DREW HAS GOT A BONER
WHAT DID HIS DADDY DOOOOOOOOOO?!
Dammit! My own hormones, played against me. Everything about the man I am today can be explained by that. Aerosmith has a LOT to answer for.
(By the way, some of those wimpier ‘80s songs definitely got a hold of me. I think Richard Marx sucks, but I danced with a girl once during “Right Here Waiting” and then I would secretly melt any subsequent time I heard it. Curse that sensitive piano riff.)
Thin crust is a marketing ploy by BIG PIZZA to get you to pay the same amount of money for less food, right?
No, but I do think it’s a tacit admission that their standard pizza is flawed. This is my East Coast bias showing, but standard pizza crust should ALREADY be thin. If you go to a slice joint in New York, they don’t have an EXTRA thin slice of cheese available, because the pizza is already thin and crispy and good, as pizza should be. If you’re doing it some other way, then you’re making some other kind of annoying, shitty pizza. You’re making deep dish pizza, or you’re making that Sicilian pizza with square pieces that are thicker than my bed. That’s irregular pizza. Thin crust pizza is just pizza.
My close friend is 38 years old. He lives in Northern VA suburbs. He is originally from St. Louis and has been a Rams fan up until a few days ago. Basically, he’s now a free agent. Among our group of friends, there’s some debate about what teams he can root for. Here’s what we’ve come down to:
1. Stick with the Rams even though they left for LA;
2. Become a Skins fan since he’s been living in this area since early 2000s;
3. Panthers since he went to college in NC;
4. Cards fan - they were originally in St. Louis when he was a kid;
5. Chiefs, since it’s still his home state of Missouri;
6. Colts fan (one of us thinks this is the closest city to St. Louis);
7. Pick any random team.
I don’t think he should pick any team. I’ve said this before, but if your team moves, you should bask in the freedom of not having to root for some shitty team anymore. Why subject yourself to that if you don’t have to? Just watch Red Zone every week and cheer for your fantasy team.
You can try to pick a team, but you’ll never be able to duplicate the same kind of intense bond you had with your favorite childhood team. You’ll be straining. And what if you end up gravitating toward some unexpected team AFTER you’ve chosen the Skins? This sounds really lame and stupid, but the team chooses YOU, not the other way around. Whether it’s because they’re your hometown team, or they have a player you like, or they win a lot and you’re some bandwagon-jumping prick, there’s usually some kind of natural attraction to a team that’s impossible to deny, and THAT is how you end up attached to them. The choice isn’t always yours.
So I would tell your friend to be a free agent fan. And if the siren call of the Browns lures him in, then that’s fate. I feel bad for him already.
What’s the worst type of food you can spill in your car? I live in Hawaii and love to pick up Poke for lunch on the reg. (For the those that don’t know Poke is basically raw fish mixed with soy sauce and other spices.) Anyhow, I picked up a Poke Bowl from my regular spot. I got the spicy garlic tuna poke, a scoop of white rice and seaweed salad. As I proceeded to drive home I had to slam my brakes and the Poke bowl exploded throughout the car. I have raw tuna and seaweed in little crevices throughout my truck. I basically have to burn it now, right?
Probably. Soy sauce is probably the worst thing to spill in a car, because it’s so concentrated, which makes it harder to eradicate. If you spill ketchup or ice cream, you can usually Febreeze the smell away in due time. My old man spilled Chinese food in his car once and the smell lingered forever. And there are certain times when you REALLY don’t want to smell old soy sauce, like when you have the flu. That’ll make for a rough morning.
My business professor just gave our class of 30 students an exam with this extra credit question:
“Circle below how many points of extra credit you want: 2 points or 6 points. But, if more than 10% of the class chooses 6 points, then no one gets any extra credit.”
What would you do? (Disclaimer: He didn’t get through 8 tests before we were disqualified. My classmates are assholes.)
That devious son of a bitch. Obviously, everyone in the class should pick the two points so that they can all share in a common reward. But that leaves room for a few sneaky fuckers to get away with choosing six points if only a few of them do it. So, knowing what kind of person I was back in my 20s, I probably would have picked the six points and ruined it for everyone. I was a real shitbag back then. I bet that professor was using his extra credit test to write a grand parable about how Americans are unwilling to share. I hate him already.
As a lifelong Bills fan living in LA, am I allowed to adopt the Rams as my second-favorite team?
Why would you do that to yourself? Have you MET the Rams?
What is the better biscuit, a biscuit that is fully cooked or one that is a little more doughy? I like the doughy ones personally, but my wife thinks I’m a freak.
I like my cookies and brownies a little bit undercooked and gooey in the center. But a biscuit? No. No, I think I want my biscuit fully cooked. I don’t wanna bite into a wad of salty flour mush. Also, I like splitting a biscuit open and putting shit on it: butter, jam, honey, gravy, liquefied beef fat,etc. I want to see all the flaky, golden layers come apart in my hand before I light into that fucker.
Could somebody please talk about how all these whiny STL hypocrites stole the LA Rams under the same auspices they’re being stolen back?(Poor attendance, indifferent fanbases, etc.) I’m amazed they have the nerve to act injured when they never should have had the Rams in the first place.
Well, wait. If you’re in your twenties and you grew up with the Rams in St. Louis, I think you have the right to be pissed. It’s not like some five-year-old back in 1994 was fully cognizant of the Machiavellian dealings involved in relocating an NFL team. I feel bad for anyone whose affection for the Rams was real and lasting.
Now, if we’re talking about some 60-year-old dipshit who “adopted” the Rams as his own the second they won a Super Bowl? Fuck that guy. He can burn in Hell.
As a native San Diegan, I really hope that Dean Spanos leaves the Chargers name behind when he inevitably moves to LA. If he does, they’ll need a new nickname... what would it be?
They’re not gonna get rid of the name because A) They were already the LA Chargers, B) They believe (foolishly) that they’ll be able to retain some San Diego fans and convince them to drive up for home games and C) It’s a cool name and uniform scheme. No need to fuck with something solid.
That said, I’m bummed that two different teams are gonna relocate and we’re not gonna get a new nickname out of it. The Rams barely even changed their logo. They’re still the same, sorry-ass Rams they’ve always been. I can never get enough ofnew nickname fan votes and shit like that. If they ever put a team in London, I’ll vote in EVERY nickname poll. London Rippers! London Swingers! London Jaggers! London Mayo Boys! I’ll consider them all.
Of course, the last time some team adopted a new name, we got the fucking Texans. TRUE STORY: My kid was watching the Texans playoff game and said, unprompted, “Texans is a stupid nickname.” Goddamn right it is. Worst nickname in sports. After that, I no longer trust any NFL team to get it right.
When did it become mandatory that all of our politicians wear flag pins? Is that all you need to show you love America? Does this happen in other countries?
That goes back to 9/11, when everyone was in a patriotic mood. I was living in New York when it happened, and people were hanging flags outside of apartment buildings and storefronts and wearing pins and stuff like that. It was a heartwarming display of solidarity, but then people KEPT wearing them. And now it’s just some rote bullshit that politicians do without even thinking about it. They’ve run the poor flag pin into the ground! If you wear it every day, then we can’t have any more special AMERICA STILL KICKS ASS days.
Besides, if you love America, you don’t need a pin to show it. I never wear a flag pin, but America knows where I stand. Don’t you, America? You know I love you. What’s that? I said “BURN IT ALL DOWN” a week ago? Baby, I was just playin’! You KNOW you’re the only country for me. Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!
Do you think there has ever been a professional sporting event in which every seat was filled at one instant? It’s got to be impossible,right? Any no-show takes away the chance. Then you’ve got assholes who cannot make it to their seats before the game. The ideal time would be in the middle of a quarter, period, etc., but even then, there has to be one person out and about.
I think there has been, sure. I think if you go way back to the days when arenas were small and horrible and there were few amenities and NO televisions on the concourse, you could probably find some old-time title game where everyone was sitting politely in their seats, wearing bowler hats and drinking straight gasoline from hip flasks. I bet you could find some asshole Celtics fan who is like NAWT A FACKIN’ SEAT IN THE GAHHHHDEN WAS EMPTY WHEN BIRD STOLE THE BALL.
I doubt it’ll ever happen in this century because stadiums are too big and are designed for fans to roam about, checking out stadium bars and ordering sushi from the concession stand and going from TV to TV to keep tabs on a live game going on fifty yards away. There are too many distractions to keep every seat filled now. NAWT TRUE FANS.
It’s Tuesday afternoon and you HAVE to eat an entire box ofcookies. Which cookie do you choose?
Tagalongs. I’m not gonna get into a “best cookie” fight, but a box of tagalongs is relatively small (compared to, say, a pack of Oreos, which is delicious but huge), and tagalongs are so good that I want to cry. It’s a peanut butter Twix bar, but a cookie! COOKIES ARE HEALTHIER THAN CANDY AND THAT’S A FACT. Honorable mention to Samoas, Thin Mints, Fudge Stripes, and basically any other cookie ever made. Eating a box of cookies would take nothing.
I was at the dog park with my dog (she’s a female). A male dog came up from behind and mounted her. She was pretty pissed about it-growling, teeth snarling, trying to get away. Male dogs really have no game. Anyways, I grabbed the male dog by the collar and threw him off. I yelled at him and told him he’s a bad dog. The dog’s owner looked a little surprised, but got ahold of his dog and pulled him away. Had the dog kept coming after mine, I probably would have kicked him in his horny yet adorable little doggy face. People get freaked the fuck out when you punish someone else’s kids. Is it okay to punish someone else’s dog?
Whoa, you yelled at the dog? That could get you killed at some dog parks. Dog People are fucking crazy, man. I know they rank behind Horse People and Cat People in the Crazy Animal People rankings. Still, some people are really protective of their dogs and will go berserker on you if you mess with them. This is a shame because many modern dog owners are permissive jackasses who own asshole dogs (“He never bites! He loves kids!”) that deserve the choke chain. You SHOULD be able to call a bad dog a bad dog. But because we live in a CANINE-NANNY STATE, that’s probably not your best move anymore. I would just handle your dog and get the hell out of there. A dog park is just a haven for dog feuds and weird passive-aggressive dog owners who SEETHE about dog feuds for days and weeks after they’ve occurred. It’s not like the dog parks you see in romantic comedies.
I’m neither a Rams or Chargers fan, but I want to add an additional fuck you to the NFL because the Rams’ move last night to a 90 minute argument via group text with my friends about the definition of“extortion.” Long story short, they think it’s not extortion becauseit doesn’t meet the legal definition, but I do because it basically is the same concept. I wasted 90 minutes of my life and was rude to people I was out with all over a stupid team and city none of my friends and I care about.
Legally, what the Rams did was NOT extortion, and your friends are correct. However, in 2016,you are legally allowed to cry “EXTORTION” any time you believe you got a raw deal. That’s what I do. If bananas are overpriced at the supermarket, I cry out, “EXTORTION!” and then quietly pay for my goods and slink back to my car. It’s not real extortion, but being American means you are entitled to feel, at all times, like someone is ripping you off. That way, you grow into a bitter and cheap old man, which is fun! You’re ready to own an NFL team now!
How many pairs of shoes should I have? My buddy posted a picture online of 9 different pairs of brown boots that he owns. 9 different pairs! I’m guessing he must have at least 50 pairs of shoes in total. Is that too many shoes?
This goes against GQ standard operating procedure, but you only need four pairs of shoes, if that. Right? You need sneakers, boots, dress shoes, and flip-flops. Those are the basics, and you can whittle that down to just the sneakers if you’re cheap and/or eight years old.
Of course, I’m being a little bit disingenuous here. I’m not Mr. Chevy Truck Driver. I definitely own more than four pairs of shoes. You get older, and the shoe pile grows. You mix up dress shoes and stuff like that. Plus, I can rarely bring myself to throw out old sneakers. “Yes,the tread is worn down and there are mushrooms growing in the toe fabric. BUT THEY’RE SO COMFY!” I probably own a dozen pairs of shoes. Any more than that and I would legally qualify as a dandy. A dozen is plenty.
Should all people who do that high-pitched fingers-in-mouth whistle be instantly murdered? I say yes. I don’t care if it’s at a sporting event or rock concert or airport tarmac; that whistle is always three times fucking louder than any other noise. Do these people just not know how goddamn annoying it is? I assume they all have hearing damage (the upper frequencies are the first to go), probably brought on by their own obnoxious whistling.
You’re just BUTTHURT you can’t do it! I know I am. True story: I profiled Guy Fieri for GQ and Guy can do that whistle! He even showed me the technique, which involves curling your tongue under your fingers somehow. I was really close to doing it, only to end up slobbering all over my fingers. But I WANT that power. I swear I would use it only for good. If you use it in a library, you deserve jail time. I promise I would only use it on my children. Ten times a day. That’s my personal guarantee.
Taking taste out of the equation, what are the worst salad ingredients? I personally hate Croutons because it is impossible to get them on a fork and Cucumber slices because they cock block salad dressing getting to the rest of the salad below. But I find both of those are delicious as hell so my salad life is cruel and awful.
Let’s face it: salad is a fundamentally flawed food. It’s just a pile of loose ingredients and chances are, the average forkful is going to be missing a crucial, delicious tidbit. Lettuce leaves are often too large. Croutons get hard as rocks. Glazed nuts and bacon bits fall to the bottom. It’s just a goddamn disaster. And yet, BIG SALAD has conned millions of working Americans to wait in line at Sweetgreen for hours at a time like SUCKERS. It’s not even cheap! We need to invent a miniature salad capsule that houses all of the ingredients and dressing into a single bite. SALAD PILLOWS. It can be done. Someone put Elon Musk on it.
Email of the week!
I hope Stan Kroenke gets IBS every day for the rest of his life and can’t take a comfortable shit until the day he dies. The man’s put forth a garbage team for the last decade. Can’t wait for them to fail spectacularly in LA and leave the taxpayers of Cali holding the bag. Stan’s hair looks like one of the dead sewer rats in my back alley.
That’s tough but fair.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ.Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also order Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
Illustration by Sam Woolley.