Guess what? NASA is recruiting a class of new astronauts, and anybody can apply starting in December. Sorry to dash any of your remaining childhood dreams, but it won’t be any of you.

The thing is, not just anyone can apply: You have to have at least a bachelor’s degree in science, math, or engineering; “progressively responsible” professional experience; or a minimum of 1,000 hours of pilot-in-command time in a jet aircraft. On top of that, I once heard you can’t go to space if you don’t have 20/20 vision or if you’ve ever smoked a menthol cigarette. While the former is fixable and the latter is almost certainly false, you’ve probably already been weeded out. Besides, your dadbod will still be a dadbod in a zero-gravity situation.

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If not, congratulations to all two of you reading this! You’ll make a great spaceman, and NASA says you could get the chance to fly on four vessels: the International Space Station, the SpaceX Dragon, Boeing’s CST-100 Starliner, and the Orion deep space vessel, which will be used to prep astronauts for a possible mission to Mars. Eat shit, Matt Damon! Apply for this most unattainable of government jobs here starting on December 14, and you’ll find out in 2017 if you’ve made it in. You won’t make it in.

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