Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering calzones, condiment theft, NFL firings, and more.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens at the very least wasn’t the disappointment that the prequels were. After the current trilogy, is the next step a prequels reboot? As bad as they were, would that be allowed, or are they still untouchable?
I don’t know what the fine print is on the contract George Lucas signed with Disney, but I would assume that $4 billion bought the “white slavers” full control of pretty much everything, much to Lucas’s chagrin. They can do whatever they want now, old man! SUCK IT! Watch them slit Jar Jar’s throat in front of your grandchildren just to make them cry! YOU CANNOT STOP IT.
Anyway, Disney could probably remake the prequels if they wanted to, which they SHOULD. I know it’s not a priority right now, because they’re making the new trilogy (plus the spinoff movies and TV shows and webisodes and puppet documentaries), but they’ve already proven they can make a Star Wars movie that looks and feels and sounds like the old classics: weird creatures in homemade costumes, beat-up spaceships, villains with cool voices, dialogue I like reciting to myself while taking a shit, etc. The prequels lacked all of those things, and their continued existence dilutes the LEGACY OF THE SERIES, which is super important to people like me who have ZERO perspective in life. Also, the fact that prequel shit still infects Star Wars merch and books and toys cannot stand. I would like all traces of Naboo obliterated with a literal Starkiller death ray.
So, somewhere down the line, Disney should (if they haven’t already) make a plan to reboot the prequels and erase the old ones from history. What if Anakin Skywalker were actually played by TOM MOTHERFUCKING HARDY, and instead of being a whiny dipshit pod-racing bro, he was actually a Jedi Academy bully who sabered little Jedi boys for their power converter money? KABOOM. Another billion dollars. Someone get the Coen brothers to write that shit.
(By the way, there’s a whole lot of people out there bitching that the new movie is too much like the first Star Wars movie, which is amusing, because the first Star Wars movie itself took its plot from ANOTHER movie. Originality is overrated. I’d rather watch a movie that steals from something good than an “original” movie that’s fucking terrible. That’s especially true of Star Wars, where all I really give a shit about is the look and the dialogue and the characters. They nailed ALL of that, and that’s no small feat. So bitch all you want for some magical unicorn movie out there that borrows from nothing at all. It doesn’t exist.)
Are calzones underrated? Because I think they are seriously underappreciated.
No, I think calzones are exactly where they oughta be in the Italian food hierarchy. They exist mainly as the occasional change-up from pizza. Aesthetically, I also enjoy that a calzone is larger than a standard slice of pizza, because my goal is to put as much food inside of my body as quickly as possible. When I was in boarding school (I know, I know), I used to order a pepperoni calzone for dinner every Sunday night. This thing came in a box that was already soaked in grease, and had a two-inch layer of hot pepperoni slices inside. They also put cheese on TOP of the calzone, as if the cheese inside was insufficient. It was the single most evil thing I’ve ever eaten, and it was fantastic.
But when push comes to shove, I prefer pizza. A calzone is essentially a big dough bag filled with pizza crap. It’s very thick, and it can get very soggy. And if you get a bad one, it’s like eating a deep dish pizza where you realize you have a thick wad of cheese in your mouth and you feel disgusted with yourself. With pizza, every bite gives you the perfect proportion of crust, sauce, cheese, and toppings. Plus the crust is crispier, and I ALWAYS require my dish have a textural element. Oh! And the toppings get charred, too! Like when the pepperoni gets cooked real good and the edges kind of curl up? God, I love that. Sometimes my kid won’t eat her pepperoni and she’ll pick it off, and I gather it all up in my big fat fist and eat it in a single bite. ECSTASY.
Anyway, now I want a calzone stuffed WITH a whole pizza.
Mike Pettine was actually the only guy on Earth who wanted to accept that job during the last Browns head coaching search/circus. What would the NFL do with the Browns if they couldn’t find a single guy to accept that job?
LANE KIFFIN. Seriously though, they’ll find a poor schmuck to take that job. The money is good, and every coach likes to have “head coach” on a resume somewhere, even if that head coaching stint was a disaster (all of the New Browns former head coaches are gainfully employed elsewhere, and Pettine will be, too). The coaching community is insular and filled with disgusting cronyism. So even if you lead Cleveland to an 0-32 record over two seasons, some other coach will be like, “Hey, he was a head coach once! And Coach Blorp says he’s good with recruiting!” At that high of a level, no job is a career-killer.
Also, coaches are egomaniacal lunatics who ALWAYS fantasize about turning around some moribund shitwreck of a team. If you automatically knew your next season as a head coach would result in a Super Bowl, would you rather bring a title to some spoiled town like Dallas, or to Cleveland? Every coach wants to be a savior.
Even if literally every last man turned the job down, the team could just turn to some current employee and foist the job on him, Jim Zorn-style. Or Roger Goodell could cash in some favor and force some lackey to do it. “Dave, I saw you eat that pizza during our meeting and didn’t punish you for it. NOW YOU MUST COACH BARKEVIOUS MINGO.” There’s always somebody.
(By the way, I still can’t believe Al Davis hired a college assistant as his coach and then acted surprised when it all went to shit. Of all the desperate head coaching hires made throughout NFL history—jobs no one else wanted—Al made, like, six of them. Jimmy Haslam still has some catching up to do.)
Why are offensive/defensive pass interference rules thrown out the window on Hail Mary passes? It seems like it’s nothing but interference inside the clusterfuck that forms in the end zone. Is it because it’s just impossible for the refs to call accurately? Don’t get me wrong, I like that there’s no call and that it’s just a free-for-all, but it’s odd that the rules are so inflexible any other time but then.
It’s never called on a Hail Mary because everyone is going for the ball, which is legal. The average PI penalty comes when the defensive back has his head turned around and you’re screaming TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND YOU DUMB FUCK at him, but he won’t, and then the ref throws the flag at his nuts for being an idiot. On a Hail Mary, everyone is already way down the field, so defenders don’t have to look back while the ball is in the air. If you’re a ref calling PI on that play, it better be because the safety tore a guy’s a helmet off and carved both of his eyes out.
What would happen if Trump died in his sleep tonight? How would the media handle this?
We’d have to find a new one. What are we gonna do, go back to REGULAR candidates? I can’t do that. I’m ruined for normal political horseshit now. Only Trump’s patented brand of dystopian idiocy will do. My brain chemistry relies on it. I’m hooked. HABITUATED. I watched those debates. When other candidates started talking, I became visibly angry. I need REAL TALK.
So if Trump died tomorrow, I would have to fly to James Woods’ house and beg him to run in his stead. We will never have a normal election again if I can help it. In 2020, we’re gonna need Trump’s kid, Chet Haze, Steve Harvey, Bob Knight, AND the Phillie Phanatic to all run.
At what point does it change from night to morning? Because I don’t really think anyone considers 12 a.m. “morning.”
It’s 5 a.m. You can begin a day at 5 a.m., and many people do, either because they have a plane to catch, or because they have to do it for work, or because of kids, or because they’re fucking crazy. You can get up at five, and then, with enough coffee, make it through to the end of the day. But earlier than five? Fuck that. That’s the dead of night. That’s when waking up is completely unreasonable, and no one has begun to do anything yet. If you get up before five, your entire focus as a person will be on going back to sleep at some point, preferably sooner rather than later. If I were president, my priority would be making sure no American has to get up that early for any reason. At 4 a.m., any alarm going off is an act of war.
How great would it be if a team poured the Gatorade jug on their coach during the first or second quarter? Kick a FG with nine minutes to go in the first quarter, then douse him in Gatorade!
No coach could let that stand. He would have to find the dumper and cut him on the spot (unless the dumper was Odell Beckham). Skip Bayless would spend eight months lobbying for your lifetime ban from the sport if you did that.
I have to think that some coach out there—let’s call him Sick Naban—has already instituted a formal NO GATORADE BATH policy that results in instant scholarship revocation and naked titty pictures of your girlfriend sent to pro scouts. And I bet that ban makes players even MORE determined to nail Sick Naban with a jug full of half-Gatorade, half-urine.
Who do you think is the best actor to be in the most bad movies? My vote goes to Ben Kingsley. He’s a Sir! He’s actually been knighted by the Queen! He’s won an Oscar and been nominated for three others! And he has repeatedly acted in shit film! Runner-up (for me) would be Samuel L. Jackson.
Samuel L. Jackson and Nicolas Cage are the obvious choices (they even made shitty movies TOGETHER), but they both have so many more terrible movies left in front of them! I wonder if Cage has a shrine of old Anthony Quinn VHS tapes that he keeps in one of his Bavarian castles, praying that he can amass that kind of questionable filmography with the time he has left on Earth.
Anyway, my dark horse candidate is the brilliant F. Murray Abraham, who won a goddamn Oscar for Amadeus, but has an iMDB page that would make you groan out of your penis hole. Look at some of these titles:
* Shark Swarm
* Sword of War
* Blood Monkey
* Quiet Flows The Don
* Too Much Romance ... It’s Time for Stuffed Peppers
* Thir13en Ghosts
* The Darkling
My man knows how to get paid, and I respect that. You’re not a true professional if you don’t make the occasional Shark Swarm every so often. We’re talking about movies that are never even RELEASED.
Also, prior to the Lord of the Rings, Christopher Lee was in four million terrible movies. You know all those Dracula movies he did that fanboys revere? They’re horrible. Avoid them. All of those older actors were in a lot of ’70s D-movies, too. I remember watching a soft-core porn movie on Showtime when I was horny teen, and Jack Palance showed up. I was so surprised that I stopped pumping for half a second. Really caught me off guard.
Is candy a dessert? This debate came up at work. I say yes, because it’s sweet and delicious. Co-workers say candy is a snack. But the point of a snack is to provide sustenance. Unless you’re Chip Kelly, no one’s shotgunning Milky Ways to get full.
Candy is just candy. You can have it for dessert, but that’s not terribly satisfying. For a proper dessert, I need a plate or bowl of poisonous garbage: ice cream, pie, apple brown betty, etc. And then I have candy AFTER that. Candy is the après dessert. You eat all the baked Alaska, and then you have the butler come around the table with salted caramels and hand-rolled truffles. That’s the best way to kill yourself.
What if John Mara decided to open those tight-fisted Irish Catholic hands of his and decided to hire away the 15-20 best scouts in the NFL by quadrupling their salaries? What does a top NFL scout make? Maybe $250k per year? So now he makes ONEEEEE MILLIONNNNNN DOLLARSSSSS per annum. That’s just an extra expense of only $15M-$18M per year for the team in total. And in return they have the 20 best football-talent evaluators on the planet scouring every college team in search of second-sixth round gold!!!
This old article from the National Football Post goes into detail about how scouts are badly underpaid and how NFL teams, on average, don’t spend as much on scouting as they ought to. The most famous recent example, of course, was the Bengals, who didn’t even HAVE a scouting department until Marvin Lewis begged them for one. Before that, Mike Brown used to just go through head shots while eating cold cherry pie. So any team that beefs up on scouting infrastructure is probably making a very wise, cost-effective move.
HOWEVER, you can’t have an endless number of scouts, because, at the end of the process, one guy is still gonna have to make the call on who to draft or sign, and he can’t have 75 different highly paid assholes giving him 75 different opinions with about 1,000 different players to choose from. You need some measure of efficiency, regardless of whatever business you’re in. Otherwise, you get too many cooks, etc. Also, your best guys would still leave to go to some other team just so they could be the big swinging dick who has more influence in taking Derrick Henry off the draft board. HE’S A SYSTEM PLAYER, GUYS! NOT THE RIGHT FIT FOR OUR BALLCLUB. Football people like getting paid, but they like being The Man even more.
Why don’t the coaches just go out and take the coin flip instead of the assigned captains?
You can’t take that away from captains. Why even BE a captain otherwise? The best part of captaining is going out for the coin toss and sticking your chest out and feeling all cool because you are a leader of men and having the crowd know it. Girls in the stands look at you and are like, “Whoa, he’s the captain! That’s way hot.” Or so I would assume. Can’t put a price on that. I would have shit hot knives to be a football team captain back in the day just so I could walk out for that coin flip. You can’t take that away from players, even if players are morons, and passing vital information through them is riskier than jumping off a tall bridge.
How long would the average toddler live if his/her parents just stopped saying “no” or “don’t do that”? How long until the child did something truly harmful?
Oh, forever. Saying NO is what makes a child flagrantly disobey and stick his hand in a blender anyway. Parenting magazines specifically instruct you to avoid saying NO to a kid (mostly because they learn to say NO right back). So instead of saying, “NO PUNCHING,” you say, “How about we do this jigsaw puzzle instead?” And instead of saying, “NO YOU CAN’T EAT THAT BAG OF NAILS,” you say, “Let’s enjoy a lovely mango smoothie!” Please note that none of these alternatives work.
Most everything your child learns from you is nonverbal. They learn to avoid jumping into fire because YOU avoid it. They obey traffic lights because YOU obey them. Any words on top of that mean virtually nothing. During the course of any given day, I will lecture my kids about not pissing in the driveway, and then my wife will tell me I’m using too many words, and then I get mad at HER for correcting me in front of the children, and then I stammer off angrily. Works pretty well!
I shave my butthole hairs. Am I a crazy person? For what it’s worth, I did it for the first time when I was like 15 because I was bored one day, and found out quickly that letting them regrow is an unpleasant experience. Therefore, I’ve just kept up with it since then. I’m 30. I hope you understand.
But how do you do it? You can’t use a plain razor for such a delicate operation. You could nick your sphincter, and then you’re in a real bind. Do you go electric? What if you get poop caught in the blades? And then you shave your face with the poop a week later, and poop gets in your face, and then you have poopface? That’s science. You gotta shower, scrub that asshole clean, dry off, bend over in front of a mirror, spread your cheeks, and then reach between your legs with a Norelco to do the job. But then all the blood rushes to your head. What if you pass out? What if you fall down and the electric razor gets jammed INSIDE you? That’s a lot of risk to avoid dingleberries. I don’t bother. I leave the mangrove swamp intact. If you want a clean butthole but don’t want to risk giving yourself sepsis, you’d better wax it.
If not for consumption, what is the best thing to do with the two end slices on a loaf of bread? Why are they good for? Do you keep them in the package the whole time and pick around, or throw them out?
I keep them in the package the whole time, because they protect the rest of the bread from getting stale. If you take the heels out right away, the new end pieces go stale more quickly. Those heels are protective buffers. You have to keep them in there. Also, you can make a sandwich with them in a pinch if your kid needs a bag lunch and you forgot to buy a new loaf. Enjoy your crustwich, boy!
By the way, when bread goes bad, it does so quickly and without warning. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been like, “Let me go make some toast [opens bag] GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
Would the Giants ever hire Peyton Manning as their next head coach?
Oh, God, I would pay at least two dollars to watch Peyton coach Eli next season. There would be a charley horse for every pick! That’s at least 20 charley horses.
Drew (not me):
What comes on a “supreme pizza”? I say it’s pepperoni, sausage, bell peppers, and onions. FULL STOP. No more. I can overlook mushrooms, but once you start adding olives and jalapeños, it becomes something else.
I think you can put mushrooms and olives on it, too, which is why I never order a supreme pizza. The risk of olives is way too high. I always order the SUPER MEAT pizza instead, because it’s like a supreme pizza, but with all meat. Black olives are disgusting, and anytime someone bites into a slice of pizza littered with miniature olive tires, I am at a loss. When a mass pizza order is filed, someone always orders either a veggie pizza (why) or a supreme pizza, and neither one ever gets eaten. You should order a few plain pizzas, a few pepperoni pizzas, one or two sausage and mushroom pizzas, and that’s it. You don’t need any niche-market pizzas.
The other day, I took my vehicle to the kind of car wash that pulls you though on the track. Is there a better feeling than when the car wash guy does not have to point left or right so you hit the track? It makes my day when I line it up perfect and only get the okay sign and head-nod.
The inverse of that is when you fail, and the car wash guy has to direct you, and you feel like a moron for being 12 feet off.
I go to a car wash that makes you get out of the car before they run it through, so the car wash guy actually takes your keys and drives it into the magic soapy washy contraption. And I always hesitate just for a second before I hand over my keys. Really? You want my keys? BUT I CAN DO THIS. Same with any parking garage where you gotta hand over your keys because they deliberately box cars in. You’re gonna keep my keys the WHOLE time? What if you stick them up your ass?
What if an NBA player pulled an Oscar Robertson and averaged a triple-double for a season, BUT he did it by going 10.0-10.0-10.0? Would anyone be impressed? I would WANT to be impressed, but 10 points a game is pretty mediocre.
Wasn’t 10-10-10 the career stat line for Jason Kidd? People thought he was super good. Even if you weren’t impressed by someone averaging a triple-double for a full season, some basketblogger would come knock on your door and FORCE you to be impressed. He would strap you into a chair and put on game tape and talk about how Russell Westbrook’s season had the kind of steady pacing not witnessed since The Aeneid.
Do you think a professional racquetball player can beat Roger Federer if they played racquetball? Something tells me the professional would win because he knows all the bounces and angles off the walls and can win by tricks alone.
Yeah, the racquetballer would win. It’s not the same sport! Plus Federer would have to get used to those loser goggles every CFO puts on when they hit up the Sport & Racquet Club. Those take some getting used to.
Imagine a world where anytime guys ejaculate, it gives off the same aroma as a smelly dump. Would this change our sexual encounters drastically? Would blowjobs essentially become non-existent?
Probably. Would YOU wanna be near the poop geyser when it goes off? Sex is already a pungent affair, but if we’re talking about every load smelling like a smeared dog turd—a truly nauseous, choking kind of odor—that’s gonna cause some problems. No more money shots for you, bucko! Nose-plug sales would skyrocket. Hermetically sealed glory holes would thrive. Sperm banks would smell AWFUL. Birth rates would drop. The fate of the world could be thrown into chaos! Good thing regular sperm smells like old oatmeal.
Email of the week!
Recently, we went to Chipotle for lunch. Before we headed to our seats, we got our drinks, napkins, utensils, etc., and Bryan grabbed a bottle of Tabasco hot sauce.
The meal was fantastic, and it made me feel good that the ingredients were prepared with integrity. On our way out, however, I was appalled when Bryan shoved the full bottle of Tabasco sauce into his pocket and made his way out of the restaurant. I confronted Bryan about this issue once we got in the car, telling him this would probably be considered by some as shoplifting. Bryan sheepishly explained that Chipotle “budgets for people to take their hot sauce.” What a big crock of horseshit! Am I right?
Bryan is a goddamn thief. If the condiment comes in a pouch, you can steal it. But a full bottle? Fuck that. Unless that Chipotle gave your friend e. coli (likely!), he’s out of line.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter@drewmagary and email him at firstname.lastname@example.org. You can also order Drew’s book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.
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