Image credit: Sam Woolley/GMG

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking poop, read receipts, body odor, Bond themes, and more.

Your letters:

Peter:

I have a solution to the intentional fouls in basketball. Get rid of the clock, and play to a certain number of points, say 90 in the pros and 60 in college. This removes intentional fouling to stop the clock. This could also create a “next basket wins” scenario to build some drama. Or a team could be down 78-88 and go on a 12-point streak for the win. Your thoughts?

I know adopting pickup rules sounds good in theory because it eliminates endgame fouling, BUT it would also curtail scoring, and half the fun of watching any basketball game is seeing lots of pretty baskets and watching Steph Curry’s point total steadily climb upward. By capping the final score, you’re essentially limiting the possibility of another 81-point game from a single player (as Kobe had), along with other potential statistical marvels.

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I don’t know if that’s worth the tradeoff, especially since the NBA has already shown a willingness to curtail intentional fouling with rule tweaks. Last year, they made it so that any off-the-ball foul that occurs in the final two minutes of any quarter results in the team on the receiving end getting two shots and the ball. Teams have still shown a willingness to foul players away from the ball just before the last two minutes of a quarter this season, but there are ways to cut down on that, too. One good idea that’s been floated is that you give the team that’s been fouled the option to decline the free throws on any off-the-ball foul, in favor of maintaining possession of the ball instead.

By the way, I think the NBA should give a $20 bonus to any coach that decides to eschew a timeout at the end and let players run the final play uninterrupted. Oh wow, they’re gonna play this out! I know Phil Jackson is a laughingstock now, but I will appreciated his old willingness as a coach to sit back like passive-aggressive schoolmarm and let his players work shit out on their own. I like it when people position their laziness as subtle genius. I do my best to emulate that strategy.

Nick:

When you pee in the ocean, do you pull your shorts down (to normal urinal level) or pee inside of the shorts? My girlfriend leaves hers completely up and that is bizarre to me, but I’ve never asked anyone else about this. I like to have an open mind so please tell me who the psycho is in this situation.

Pee in the shorts. The ocean rinses that shit right out. That’s science. Do you REALLY want to pull down your pants in the middle of the ocean? What if a shark swims by? What if a toddler swims by and sees you holding your penis and then alerts the lifeguard? I’ll tell you what happens: BEACH JAIL. You go to beach jail with Fat Sam, and Gummy, and all the beach junkies waiting to ruin your shit. I am not taking my dick out in the ocean unless the beach is completely deserted and I’m feeling frisky. The whole rush of peeing in the ocean is that no one knows you’re doing it. It’s the perfect crime. It’s as close as I’ll come to getting away with murder.

Paul:

I sometimes work out of town and in this small east Texas town they have an honest-to-God video store. One that you actually walk in to, with rows of movies and shelves. When was the last time you walked into a video store? Porn does not count.

I think I went to a Blockbuster here in Maryland roughly 10 years ago, back when we subscribed to the old, physical version of Netflix. Remember OG Netflix? They had much better movie selection back then, before studios got wise to the fact that they were hemorrhaging DVD sales. I remember I was one of the last holdouts to go to streaming, because I was like, “Pfft, there’s no way they’ll be able to stream the video consistently!”

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Anyway, sometimes Netflix wouldn’t have some hot new release, so then I’d trudge ass over to the video store, only to realize they also didn’t have it. Then I’d end up renting some awful direct-to-vid garbage like Platoon 2: Back in the Jungle. I don’t miss the old days, but there are still plenty of video stores operating in country, usually in the poorer areas. Netflix and the internet aren’t cheap, after all. Sometimes, people gotta be sensitive to the fact that not everyone can afford the same access to technology as they do.

Also, I promise you there are any number of retro fetishists who like going to the video store because they’re hunting for some rare French indie movie that isn’t available on demand, or because they want to rent porn but don’t want their ISP to find out about it. The video store porn section is the original Dark Web.

Bryan:

Has anyone ranked James Bond opening music songs? Of course this should be just according to song quality, not the film’s quality. But that could be the tie breaker. For me Golden Eye by Tina Turner is up there, but I don’t feel Adele would be #1. Thoughts?

I think “Goldfinger” is and always will be the undisputed heavyweight champ in that category. However, Sir Roger Moore passed away last week and I would argue that he presided over the best run of Bond theme songs. After “Goldfinger,” I think the best Bond theme songs are:

-“Nobody Does It Better”

-“A View To A Kill”

-“For Your Eyes Only”

Those were all Moore Bond themes, and they still hold up. You can tell when a Bond theme is good because they end up weaving into the film’s actual score (like in A View To A Kill). They didn’t do that with that one Jack White song. That song was crap.

By the way, I grew up with Roger Moore as Bond and I loved him. He was the cheesiest Bond by far, but that was what made him so charming. James Bond isn’t allowed to be cheesy anymore. He has to be gritty and driven and too busy for sex. Roger Moore always had time for sex. He spent half those movies in a bathrobe. In Octopussy, he throws a Faberge egg down on the backgammon table, then swipes the bad guy’s loaded dice from him and uses them to win 200,000 rupees, which is a SHITLOAD of rupees. BALLER MOVE. And in For Your Eyes Only, he skis down a goddamn luge run, and then rebuffs a teenager who wants to bone him. PURE CLASS. I’ll miss him terribly. “Oh, James!”

Jack:

As a high school basketball player, college IM basketball player, and long time city league basketball player, over that time there have been a handful of times where I have ended up guarding a person with what I will describe as having nuclear-powered body odor. And it really did make me defend them much less closely than I would have otherwise. It was just too awful to get up close to them defensively. Is it possible that an NBA or college team could actually use this to their advantage by finding some sort of B.O. scent to spray their players with prior to games?

I’m sure players have tried. I think when a player gets labeled “dirty,” that’s code for any and all shady tactics, including enhanced body odor. I bet Kelly Olynyk smells like a music festival toilet. That’s all part of the gamesmanship at that level. Bill Laimbeer probably rolled around in bloodworms before every game.

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However, I think NBA players are used to smelly opponents, and have the wherewithal to not be distracted by them. That’s one of the things that separates the pros from the guys who don’t make it. If you’re like, “Pee eww! This Gasol brother is too smelly for me to box out!” you’re not cut out for the NBA. You’re going right to the D-League. You gotta rise above.

And frankly, it’s not THAT hard to block out odor. People have to work in a lot of different smelly places: bathrooms, factories, battlegrounds, sewage treatment facilities, etc. You get used it. You can’t go through life like some GLORY BOY who expects everything to smell like a Glade air freshener. Life literally stinks. You must embrace it. That’s what I tell my old lady when I drop a used fajita bomb in the toilet.

Ben:

What are the least common sexual positions for losing your virginity? My guess is the piledriver.

Everyone starts off in missionary because it’s the easiest position, because you can see everything going on, and because guys are always eager to do the initial christening. OH WOW I’M ACTUALLY DOING IT! And then the guy can’t quite get it in, so the girl is like, “Here, lemme get on top,” and then the guy is like “Fine,” and then she gets on top and helps guide it in like a dockworker pulling in a boat. Then it’s over in roughly eight seconds. Not that I’m projecting or anything.

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Anyway, I’m sure any number of guys have been trained by porn to expect the world, and they wanna start off in the reverse lotus doggy thrust position, only to get a severe reality check. That’s an advanced position, young man. You gotta master the fundamentals before moving onto the butterfly fuck swing handbook.

Michael:

Idea: if an AL pitcher plunks someone or throws behind them, they have to take an AB for every instance, outside of any ejections or suspensions. It has to happen against the team that was the recipient of the “Up and in”, obvs. While it would likely start a huge chain reaction of brutality, it would be fun to see how quick someone like Chris Sale started “losing some sleep” over plunking once his bean was in the way of the ball. NL dickheads like Lackey and Wainwright at least have the courage of their convictions [disclosure, Cubs fan] in putting themselves in harm’s way once they start trying to deal frontier justice.

Yeah but then you may as well just get rid of the designated hitter altogether if your goal is to make pitchers answer for their crimes (I’m fine with that, by the way). And even if that happened, this study that I found doing a random Google search suggests that—discounting for the extra “true hitter” in every American League lineup, i.e. a batter who gets hit by pitches more often simply because he is more skilled and has a better eye than a pitcher hitting—there is no discernible difference in hits batsmen between the American League and National League. You thought all those beanings by proxy in the AL would make everything worse, but no!

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As yesterday showed, a lack of a DH won’t stop beanings from happening, nor will it stop Bryce Harper from accidentally hitting your mom with a batting helmet. You cannot stop beanings by increasing the threat of more beanings. If anything, ballplayers ENJOY the cycle of violence. It really breaks up a three-game homestand. If my teammate got beaned, I would be bouncing around in the dugout like OH IT IS ON! Baseball players are hilariously stupid and immature. Every beaning is like hearing about a fight after school. It’s crazy exciting.

So the only way to get rid of beanings is to punish them SEVERELY, with lengthy suspensions and hefty fines and lots of other crap that MLB and the player’s union probably aren’t that wild about. Hunter Strickland is a fucking idiot, but intent isn’t always as clear-cut as it was in that instance. Plus, there are fans like me who run to the TV anytime Twitter is like “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT.” I wanna see the fight, and then I want to demand jail time for the offending pitcher. For real, Roger Clemens should have been sent to the chair for the things he did on the mound. As with steroids, I think baseball is just groovy with formally tut-tutting all this shit while still benefiting from the attention it brings.

HALFTIME!

Bill:

I recently matched on Hinge with a girl that I was pretty excited about. She was good looking, well educated, good job, etc. Only problem is - we have the same last name, and I have a very unique name. We aren’t talking Smith, Jones, or anything like that - I’ve literally never met anyone who has the same last name as me. We’ve chatted and it doesn’t seem like we have any common family or ancestors, but it begs the question... Can I in good conscience hook up with this girl???

I don’t see why not. If anything, it will absolve you from having to deal with last names when/if you get married. No one needs to change their ID, or argue over hyphens, or any of that shit. It’s very convenient. And it’s a good conversation piece, too. “Can you believe we have the same last name, you guys? Even though we are 100 percent unrelated and this is very much NOT a case of familial interbreeding, we swear! HILARIOUS!”

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Also, I’ve noted this before but people tend to “wear” names in their own distinct way. Like I know people who have the same first name as other people I know, and I never sense an innate connection between the two. One time I had a crush on a girl who had the same first name as my sister. Does that mean I want to hook up with my sister? No. Of course not. Hey, wait a second… why are you laughing? I don’t! I SWEAR. Stop trying to make this into something it’s not, you fucking jerk!

Dan:

My wife insists that pasta be served in a bowl, which means in our non-fancy home, a cereal bowl is used. I told her that she is a monster and that normal people use plates like they would for any other non-liquid dish. She says the bowl helps contain the excess spread of sauce that you would get using a plate. I asked her where she puts the bread and she said on top of the pasta, then you can dip it in and “the bread gets all nice saucy”. This is blatantly stupid and incorrect, right?

You gotta split the difference and get some pasta bowls. There’s a reason restaurants use them you know. With a pasta bowl, the noodles and sauce are nicely contained, but it still looks like a full dinner instead of a mug full of Top Ramen. It’s nice and classy. And then you can put a plate on the side and use it for bread and/or assorted table garbage. I am a sloppy eater, which means that if you serve me pasta on a flat plate, half of it will end up on the placemat. When we eat dinner, the dog parks his ass under my seat because he knows that I will accidentally rain sauce bits and cheese shreds down on him.

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The only problem with pasta bowls is when you have to put them in the dishwasher, because they’re jussssst deep enough where they don’t fit into the traditional plate slots on the bottom rack. Instead, they tip over and topple the other plates, like a line of fucking dominoes. I have smashed pasta bowls in anger. They deserve it for making my life difficult.

Hasan:

Would the NBA allow it if a player wanted to play a game while donning a pair of shades? The NBA is pretty chill when it comes to player’s fashion choices, and I don’t think it violates any rules, or creates any advantages, so why not? As to why an NBA player would WANT to wear shades? It would make that player instantly famous. It would be like James Harden’s beard, except way more badass.

As far as I can tell, there’s nothing in the NBA bylaws that specifically forbids wearing sunglasses on the court, although “All the face masks and eye or nose protectors must conform to the contour of the face and have no sharp or protruding edges.” I guess that means they can tell you to put your aviators under your chair if you try to walk onto the court with them on. You could maybe get away with wraparounds, but then you’d look like a real tool out there.

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But listen, there’s a reason why fashion hounds like Russell Westbrook exclusively use the stadium tunnel to highlight their wardrobe. It is nice to be able to SEE when you’re out on the court. And it’s not pleasant to take an elbow to the face when you’ve got glasses on. Goggles are the practical choice for gametime eyewear, and NO ONE wears them anymore. Goggles got fashion-shamed right out of the league.

By the way, now that the NFL has legalized group celebrations, they need to bring back tinted eyewear. They outlawed that shit ages ago because they hate fun. I want my Darth Vader visors back, man. Everyone player should look like Vaughn Dunbar out there.

Jay:

How would you feel if you were a doctor and saved the life of a person who would go on to commit horrific crimes, like mass murder or serial killings? I guess if the person were already a violent criminal it would be worse.

I’d have no issue with it. Am I supposed to have ESP when I operate on a guy? My job is to save the dude’s life, regardless of how big a shitbag he was or will be. It’s not like the guy who cut the cord on Baby Hitler had a crystal ball on him. You don’t want doctors to make moral judgment calls on who deserves to be saved and who doesn’t. Imagine going under just as your heart surgeon finds out your search history. No way, man. They gotta treat everyone the same, for their sake and yours.

Chris:

Is there any fruit/vegetable that has a shorter edible window than an avocado?? I bought a bag of avocados from Costco on Sunday and they were all rock hard. By Thursday 3 of the 5 were complete mush and basically inedible.

FUN FACT: When I went on Chopped avocados were one of the very few items that were NOT available in the kitchen or pantry, because they’re so unreliable in terms of ripeness. That’s why you never see avocado toast in the appetizer round even though I bet the contestants are DYING to make it.

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The official avocado website says to keep them in the fridge if you want to slow down the ripening process. Also, I know it’s not appetizing but you can still eat the brown parts of avocado. It’s just natural discoloration. I don’t really enjoy splitting an avocado and seeing a brown tumor inside, but I still plow right through those bruises like a real man. Nothing will stop me from enjoying the creamy goodness therein. You can also make guac with lime juice and the pits still in it, and then store it in an airtight container and then either a) scrape the brown shit off the top or a) mix the brown parts back into the green parts. That helps makes it looks less like poop.

Crom:

Never since getting an iPhone have I turned on the “read receipts” feature. I’m not one for texting often; my friends often complain that they don’t hear back from me. I’d rather talk to them in person or not at all. That being said, am I missing the point of the “read receipts” feature? For someone who dislikes long text conversations, would I be better served keeping “read receipts” off entirely? Or should I turn it on—so that folks will understand I’ve seen their message and thus don’t need to respond? What’s your stance on the read receipts?

Fuck read receipts. The official stance here at Gizmodo Media Group is that people who turn on read receipts are deranged. Do people really need to micromanage their communications to the point where they need proof that someone saw their text before they can relax? They should go have a rum runner instead. I’d leave the receipts off and let them twist in the wind. Maybe I didn’t read your text because I find you unimportant. Or maybe I read it and found it so pathetic that I couldn’t even send a courtesy reply. YOU’LL JUST NEVER KNOW, FUCKO. Turning on read receipts is the spiritual equivalent of looking over someone’s shoulder. Leave me the fuck alone. I’ll get to you when I get to you. In the digital world, silence is POWER, baby.

Brad:

Is it racist to suggest Cracker Barrel for my quarterly team lunch at work? Our options are slim and one just opened nearby.

I’d let someone else dip their toe in that pool first. I’m told the gift shop is fun, though. You could slip out one day alone for a test run. I’ll go with you. I’ve never been to a Cracker Barrel. The online menu doesn’t look very promising. Looks like the kind of joint where the biscuits are the only good thing. I know people really want to push the idea of eating meatloaf as a warm and comforting dinner out, but I’m not into it.

Andrew:

Last week I pulled a few hundred bucks out of the local ATM for various gambling needs. Am I the only person who counts those 20's hoping for an error and an extra one was dispensed? How often do you think an ATM makes a mistake and kicks out an extra bill?

Never. You will never, in real life, draw the “Bank Error In Your Favor” card from the Community Chest. The bank will only err by TAKING money from you. I went to an ATM once and it shortchanged me by $20. It took five separate phone calls for me to get my money back. That’s what I get for being out of cash on the Jersey Shore. I may as well have handed my bank card to the Russian mob.

Email of the week!

Matt:

Back in the summer of 2010, I was working at a Panera in my Minnesota college town to help pay for school. The job sucked and one of my bosses was a total dickhead (mid 30's guy who was pissed about his marriage, had a DUI from hitting a cyclist with his side-view mirror, and would give all the hot girls preferential shifts)

I was working one night, and had just finished my “lunch” break. I clocked back in and went to take a shit on the clock, because that’s what you do when you work in a menial job where no one gives a shit. I go to take what I think is a large poop, but turns out to just be nothing but a fart; I go back to resuming my duties washing the dishes that evening

After about 5 minutes of dish washing, I feel a fart coming up. I let it fly, and immediately feel liquid shit filling up my tighty whities. I realize that I need to get to the bathroom posthaste. It was about 7 pm, so thankfully no one in the place sees me power-waddle out of the bathroom with liquid shit running down the inside of my right leg. I make it to the bathroom just before the stream of shit hits my sock, and begin wiping. It took about 5 minutes to clean up the mess, but I had to throw away my underwear as it was shitstained through and through

Realizing that I could parlay this into leaving early, I go to my aforementioned boss and said “Dan, I don’t know how to say this any other way, but I just shit myself.” He understandably looks at me with a dumbfounded look for about five seconds, and declares “Well, you just won the go-home lottery. Go home”.

I’m still cautious when I fart to this day.

Damn, really makes me hesitant to go there for a Sierra Turkey on multigrain ever again.