Don’t let anyone serve you burgers as unsettlingly floppy as the reheated deli patties very good Deadspin writer Nick Martin and I ate on camera earlier this week. Any respectable Labor Day party will be hosted somewhere with an actual heat source (preferably a charcoal grill; gas grills are largely props for overgrown pyromaniacs) and meat that is easily identifiable as such. Still, even genuinely tasty burgers are made better by the right condiments so we’ve taken the time to write out the ingredient lists for each of the sauces showcased in the video.

Pub Sauce

Mix: Mayonnaise, soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, chopped chives, minced garlic, and brown sugar.

Emmy Burger Sauce

Mix: Mayonnaise, soy sauce, Sriracha, honey, and minced garlic.

Shack Sauce (with Big Mac-style grated onions)

Mix: Mayonnaise, ketchup, yellow mustard, pickle just (from a jar of pickles), grated (use a cheese grater) white onion, minced garlic, paprika.

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I know, it’s annoying that I didn’t give measurements but how do I know how much sauce you’re going to need? Assume that for a cup of mayonnaise, you’ll need about a tablespoon of each of the other liquid ingredients (less of the paprika, naturally) and a clove of garlic. From there, adjust for taste, and spoon liberally atop burgers that could not accurately be described as “flaccid.”