It’s Christmas Day, and you know what that means: time to plumb the depths of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. We’re looking for the weirdest, least explicable, and most awkward objects that America has shoved inside its various holes. God bless us, everyone.

As always, objects sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • SAFETY RAZOR
  • MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”
  • FINGER RING
  • PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL
  • “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”
  • TOY CELL PHONE
  • “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”
  • SEASHELL
  • BEAN
  • PIECE OF STRING
  • “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”
  • PIECE OF SOAP
  • RUBBER BAND
  • “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”
  • FISH HOOK
  • “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”
  • TOY STICKY HAND
  • POTPOURRI
  • PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT
  • “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”
  • GRASS
  • GASOLINE
  • ROSARY BEAD
  • KNITTING NEEDLE
  • “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”
  • LEGO
  • PIECE OF CHOPSTICK
  • “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”
  • PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE
  • A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

Nose

  • TIN FOIL
  • ORANGE POM-POM
  • CANDLE WAX
  • “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
  • HAIR TIE
  • DOLL’S SHOE
  • HALLOWEEN DECORATION
  • “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”
  • PILLOW STUFFING
  • SPONGE
  • SCREW
  • TOY CAR WHEEL
  • PEANUT
  • “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”
  • MOLDING CLAY
  • PEBBLE
  • CHAPSTICK
  • STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER
  • WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

Throat

  • BROOM
  • MARSHMALLOW
  • LIGHTER
  • “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”
  • GOLD TOOTH
  • CONFETTI
  • “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”
  • TAPE
  • PERFUME BOTTLE CAP
  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
  • “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”
  • PIECE OF A CD
  • PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE
  • KEY CHAIN
  • BALLOON OF MARIJUANA
  • “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”
  • PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS
  • WIG
  • TOILET PAPER HOLDER
  • 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,
  • BULLET
  • “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

Penis

  • HALF A PENCIL
  • PENCIL ERASER
  • PEN CAP
  • PEN
  • MARBLE
  • COAT HANGER
  • “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH”
  • PLASTIC TUBING
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • MAGNETS

Vagina

  • MAKEUP BRUSH
  • FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS
  • CELL PHONE
  • HUSBAND’S PENIS RING
  • PERFUME BOTTLE
  • TWO TAMPONS
  • TOY PLASTIC SPOON
  • MAKEUP SPONGE
  • GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”
  • A JINGLE BELL
  • PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER
  • WET WASHCLOTH
  • EARRINGS
  • VIAL OF FENTANYL
  • TOY TEAPOT
  • SNORKEL

Rectum

  • “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”
  • TOY BABY BOTTLE
  • GLASS BOTTLE
  • “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”
  • “CRAYONS AND COINS”
  • DICE
  • HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER
  • TOILET BRUSH
  • “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”
  • SALT SHAKER
  • SMALL TOY
  • LARGE TOY
  • PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY
  • “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • WATER GUN
  • BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG
  • BOBBY PIN
  • LARGE ELASTIC STRING
  • “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”
  • MARKER IN A GLOVE
  • “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”
  • FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN
  • SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE
  • HOMEMADE DILDO
  • TOY SHARK
  • “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”
  • EGG