Via the Washington Post, I have learned of a study by the Journal of Hand Therapy showing that millennial men are a bunch of weak, pampered diaper babies with butter-soft hands and that your puny muscles are no match for my hardened, callused Gen-X gripping power. I am paraphrasing, here. The Journal of Hand Therapy put it more kindly—“Current data reflect statistically significant differences from the norms for all male grip measurements, as well as for women in the age group of 20-24 years (bilateral grip) and 25-29 years (right grip)”—presumably so that you sorry losers who can barely even make fists with your jellyfish-like hands will not cry yourselves to death.
This is as I suspected. For I, a sinewy Elder, forged in the purifying flames of the 1980s, know good grip strength when I see it. You disgust me, millennials! Put down your Nintendo 3DSes, pick up some hawser chain, and tie it into a goddamn constrictor knot, so that you may become tough and hardy, like me, a Man of Yore, when a man did more with his hands than send “Snapchats” of his “dick and balls” to strangers over “digital broadband or whatever.”