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5/12/16
11:36 AM
66

Oh God, it’s graduation season. Can’t we pause this somehow? I just got done adjusting to the LAST graduating class entering the workforce and ruining everything. Can’t we put a five-year moratorium on graduations so that the rest of the world can take a breather? You’re all exhausting and terrible, and everything

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5/10/16
2:57 PM
9

When you go to pluck a Budweiser from a cooler anytime between May 23 and the November election, it will plainly read “America,” as if brewed from our very amber waves of grain. (Though their site informs us that they borrow some of Canada’s barley waves too.) This is great news for anyone looking to get their

5/10/16
10:56 AM
7

Your bathroom cabinet doesn’t have to look like a shelf at Walgreens, but it should have the basics—or at the very least, you should know what the basics are. (Necessary hygienic items aside, of course.) Guys ask me about beauty products all the time: These are usually the kind of dudes who think face wash and lotion

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5/8/16
11:46 AM
10

Every year’s calendar is predictably laced with holidays, but there is one that has a way of sneaking up on you and then pouncing, like a panther made of guilt: the second Sunday of every May, i.e. Mother’s Day. Despite its repeating pattern, I find myself forgetting it on an annual basis, the way I do any other

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5/6/16
11:14 AM
6

Even if you watched Kanye West’s livestream release of The Life of Pablo just to hear the music, you were confronted with the throng of models sulking in drapey earth tones, like they were rummaging for scrap in a post-apocalyptic desert and just stumbled into Madison Square Garden. That’s the general theme of Kanye

5/5/16
5:07 PM
8

Seriously, I can’t shut up. “Loquacious” would be putting it nicely. “Needy, overwhelming persistence” would probably be more accurate. Hell, it’s why I’m a journalist: because I can’t keep myself from expressing every single utterly useless thought that slips into my head. Although I can fend off the urge to

5/5/16
1:27 PM
8

The privilege of getting somewhere quickly and relatively inexpensively has been offset by the price of being wedged between strangers with nothing inanimate to hold onto as the train lurches ahead. New York City subway usage, at 1.763 billion rides last year, has hit its highest point since 1948. If you were going to

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5/5/16
12:20 PM
2

If you’ve ever been suckered into being a best man, it’s a conversation that’s bound to come up eventually. Your brother/best friend/weird cousin who doesn’t have any close friends outside his World of Warcraft guild has proposed to the love of his life, and, miracle of miracles, she said yes. You nonchalantly inquire

5/4/16
3:40 PM
7

Maybe you hum a little tune while assembling a sandwich, and maybe even contentedly between good bites. You wouldn’t be the only one on the evolutionary family tree to do so—so do our cousins, the great apes. Specifically, a set of western lowland gorillas in the Republic of Congo. A recently released pair of

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