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3/24/17
1:01 PM
4

Perhaps the best perk of living in California, better than proximity to robber barons or weed, is the ubiquitous presence of fruit trees. Anecdotally speaking, everyone has a dang lemon, orange, plum, or avocado tree. Even when our fair state was in the worst throes of the mega drought, one could grow healthy batches

3/21/17
2:37 PM
10

I had an annoying dream the other night where I was in an airport and missed a flight. I woke up, shook it off, and then went right back to sleep. And you know what happened? The dream CONTINUED. I shut my eyes and was right back with the fucking gate agent. You know how many times I’ve tried to keep a sex dream

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3/14/17
1:28 PM
27

My large adult sons (actually they’re eight and six) and I bundled ourselves against the cold and worked for around two and a half hours this morning. We shoveled and salted while the snow fell. We’d gotten around ten inches of heavy, wet snowfall in the thickest places; the work was tiring and occasionally miserable;

3/13/17
3:46 PM
5

On Saturday, my housemate tried cooking some zucchini, only to realize that our gas oven wasn’t working. We looked around for a pilot light but couldn’t find one. Some googling led us to believe we have an electric igniter system that needs replacement, and also that our oven was manufactured in 1991 and there is no

3/10/17
12:54 PM
29

America, our possessions are ruining us. Even as you read these words, container ships are churning through the waters of the Pacific, carrying the candle holders and tea strainers and duvet covers and coffee tables that will appear in front of you in Target, flooding your brain with dopamine, rewarding your anxious

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3/7/17
1:59 PM
12

I was tired and sore the other day so I took a bath for the first time in, like, 20 years. It was a bad idea. There’s no way for a man my age to sit down in a bathtub without pulling eight different muscle groups. Once I finally lowered myself down, I didn’t fit in it at all. I had to do a kind of body part triage,

2/25/17
12:30 PM
14

Recently, I had a specific hankering. A hankering for piling delicious meaty cheese dip onto tortilla chips and ramming them into my face. This is the kind of hankering a fundamentally depraved sort of person has when left alone in a home for more than a couple hours: a dark degradation into self-destruction, taking

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2/20/17
1:53 PM
27
Dante Jordan
27

One look at the way I operate around my co-workers and you’d think I’m anti-social and evil. I don’t talk to these people, I don’t let them talk to me, and I keep all group participation levels to an absolute minimum. Simply put, if I don’t have to interact with them, I don’t. I’m not evil, though. I have my reasons:

2/14/17
2:44 PM
9

Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day! They actually banned candy from valentines at my kid’s school this year. I assume this is because at least one child in the class has a deadly LOVE allergy. Regardless, the candy ban instantly rendered Valentine’s Day meaningless to every student. They’re now as indifferent to the holiday as

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1/23/17
2:11 PM
7

Rolling Stone has a terrifying feature up today detailing how Mike Pence fumbled his way into the second highest office in the land. Although not nimble enough to remain popular even in conservative Indiana and too radical to get anything passed in the House of Representatives, Pence had the perfect amount of

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