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Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Illustration for article titled An Inflatable, Life-Size Ben Wallace, And Other Things You Bought While Drunk

According to a recent study on this very website, quite a few people make serious life decisions under the influence of alcohol. Go figure! On Friday, we asked our readers to tell us about the craziest things they’ve bought while drunk, and among the usual stuff (tattoos, memorabilia, and a subscription to the Dairy Goat Journal), we found a bunch of purchases signify major life milestones. Some people bought engagement rings or paid for weddings, others bought cars, and one guy bought a whole house to live in. We’ve compiled their stories below.


Weirdly, more than one person told us about the time they bought a car while shit-canned, as did Armin Tamzarian’s friend:

My favorite drunk purchase story (wasn’t me):

Back in college my buddy got blacked out drunk and bought a car on ebay. And not just any car, a yellow Ford Escort that had been tricked out with obnoxious underlights, suicide doors, unnecessary sound system, etc. 11K. He actually went through with the purchase and took a bus 450 miles to retrieve it, and learned to drive it on the way home (manual transmission).

The car caught fire a year later due to faulty wiring in the suicide doors.

Jehovah’s Blitzness bought a 2004 Lotus Elise:

I dunno, my understanding at the time was that the Elise was in relatively limited production, so when they were ordered, there was a long lead time on delivery. Apparently, these orders were effectively COD, because while the car itself was 60 or 80 thousand, the rights to delivery traded for $8-12,000 on eBay and such. You’d buy the rights, the current rights-holder would transfer the delivery to your name, and then you’d pay Lotus when they shipped the car.

I was a senior in high school. At the time, eBay was this super fragmented marketplace with few dealers and lots of minnows short-selling stuff they didn’t know how to price. If you knew a particular niche hobby, had cash and time on your side, and were willing to stop at the Post Office 2 or 3 afternoons a week on your way home from school, you could make plenty of money simply pushing prices back toward market value. Typical buy low, sell high type shit. I mostly traded Warhammer 40k miniatures, paintball guns, and electronics because they were cheap to ship... basically anything that college kids in a pinch (or parents in a fit of rage) would try to sell fast. I had gotten drunk at a party at my neighbor’s house where we had been talking about dream cars and other dumb shit, and when I got home that night, I dialed-up on AOL and bought a Lotus.

Obviously my parents were less than impressed and made me sell it (they got the bank statements for the account I used for PayPal), but I think I ended up making a thousand bucks or so out of the deal.


If you think that’s extreme, meet People Person, who drunk-bought a damn house:

I bought my house while pretty smashed. My realtor called me to inform me of a counter offer the seller made while I was out at a bar. I stepped out to have a smoke, and I told my agent “You tell those sons of bitches I’m not paying a dime over $xxx,xxx and they have two hours to respond or I’m walking.” Pretty big fucking mistake since the house has turned out to be a real lemon.

And you can’t forget the drunk shopper’s worst enemy, Amazon. via Ljbroesder:

I have a really bad habit of going on Amazon when I’m hammered. I get packages all the time, with no memory of what I’m getting. Usually shoes, or books. I stocked a nice little bars worth of glassware for a little while.

The strangest thing I ever had show up, by far though, was a didgeridoo. I have no idea as to why I would purchase such an odd instrument. I of course learned to play it, and now it’s a great conversation piece.


Dizzy Ronald:

An insanely expensive guitar that I had coveted for many years and could not even remotely afford. Thank God amazon lets you cancel orders the following morning.

I also bought a vibrator for a girl I was having a long distance relationship with. Had no memory of it. It arrives and she texted to thank me. Some weirdness for a while (“so, who else would be sending you a vibrator?”) until I check my orders on amazon. Yep, that was from me. Hope it’s a good one.



Here’s the invoice from the last (and only) time I drunkenly purchased items from

- A dog costume for Halloween... for the following year (bought in early November)
- Lionel Richie’s “Can’t Slow Down” 12”
- The Dirty Dancing Soundtrack 12”
- Pig Destroyer’s “Natasha” 12”
- A doormat that said “Wipe Your Paws” with a bunch of little doggie paw prints on said doormat
- A spatula



Oh shit! Last year, on Thanksgiving weekend, Amazon had all of the seasons ofMurder, She Wrote on sale for, like, five bucks each. I ordered the first three seasons. Was legitimately surprised when I received them at work that Tuesday. Like a shitty Christmas gift to myself.


Did you think you would be able to get through this without reading at least one drunk tattoo story? Because you cannot. Here’s one from Pornstars-for-Wilbon:

From the “it wasn’t me” department:

A friend of a friend had his bachelor party in Vegas and decided to get a tattoo in honor of his bride-to-be (bad idea) while totally hammered (much worse idea). As he’s telling the tattoo artist what he wants, he either tells the guy that his fiancees name is Breanna when in fact it’s Deanna or the guy heard it wrong (my witness was also hammered but, as he points out, not so much that they were going to correct it as they all thought it was hysterical). Either way, the guy ended up with a giant, gothic letter “B” on his arm in tribute to the wrong woman.

Moral of the story: Don’t get a tattoo drunk, kids. And if you do, make sure the friends that are with you aren’t assholes.



The best drunk purchases might be the most random ones. SonicReducer1:

A year’s subscription to Dairy Goat Journal for my girlfriend which I apparently regretted once I saw that they also had a publication called Sheep! (because she likes goats but loooooves sheep) so I ended up getting that as well and writing this email completely blacked-out.

Illustration for article titled An Inflatable, Life-Size Ben Wallace, And Other Things You Bought While Drunk

I didn’t remember any of it till the magazine arrived a month later to much acclaim from the missus. Cause come on, look at that lil guy on the right there! Hello lil guy!



I wore Grant Hill Fila’s when I was a 12 year old white boy baller in upstate New York.

I saw one of my old buddies from that time and had some drinks, and we were reminiscing about the shoes we used to wear and how cool they were. I went home and bought a pair a size too small on ebay. The box sits in my closet unopened.

Whenever I feel like teasing my girlfriend I threaten to put these on when we go out:

Illustration for article titled An Inflatable, Life-Size Ben Wallace, And Other Things You Bought While Drunk

Sucking dick and kicking ass:

A bag of Communion bread. My college roommates and I called the “Jesus chips.” Got drunk a few times after that and resorted to eating them with nacho cheese or salsa.



One day, an email showed up from with a link to download my order. Apparently (blacked out) I had gone on the site and paid an English voice actor ($5) to record a voicemail message for me. I had instructed him to imitate Michael Caine and provided a badly spelled script. I still use it to this day.



Never get drunk at a silent auction. What you think is funny while drunk usually isn’t when you wake up the next morning and realize you spent $300 on a Michael McDonald autograph.



Not that it’s a “crazy thing” but more what happened the next morning.

My wife once donated $100 to ASPCA while drunk because the Sarah McLachlan commercial had her bawling. Then, the next morning when she realized she’d just donated the last $100 in her checking account SHE CALLED THEM BACK AND ASKED FOR A REFUND! They even let her keep the free gift they were already planning on sending her. My wife is a jerk and basically stole from charity.



My friends and I play pick up basketball on weekends with a bunch of guys from work. We fully subscribe to the look good, play good philosophy. So while drinking at a buddies house I had a few and from my phone bought the 5 of us personalized reversible jerseys. Obviously; we call ourselves Showtime.

Illustration for article titled An Inflatable, Life-Size Ben Wallace, And Other Things You Bought While Drunk


Inflatable life-size Ben Wallace. Best pool boy ever.

And finally, Jokerofsauce:

penis enlargement pills - i was in college and got back to my room late and wasted. infomercial was on and when i woke up in the morning i saw an order confirmation. i cancelled the order so i can not speak to the effectiveness of the product.


Adequate Man is Deadspin’s new self-improvement blog, dedicated to making you just good enough at everything. Suggestions for future topics are welcome below.


Lead photo submitted by BobLoblawLawBlogLobsLawBomb.

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