Frequently in this space, we will consult a different entry in the 1987 book The Modern Man’s Guide to Life to see how the advice therein has aged. Last week we addressed how to interact with the ladies and dinner parties; today, we’ll tackle dealing with drunk friends.

Every once in a while, you’re going to run into a friend who has gotten him or herself too drunk to function. Lucky you, you get to be the wingman. Sometimes this means you have to act more like a babysitter than anything, and subduing a wasted pal takes a little creativity.

When dealing with someone who is Belushi-level blotto, here are a few ideas:

  1. Feed a drunk and the chances are he’ll get sleepy and docile.
  2. Accomplice: Pretend to be willing to aid and abet his misbehavior. Tell him you know of a place with better girls (or booze or music or whatever seems to be his interest of the moment), get him in the car, then drive him home and either force him out of the car or refuse to drive any farther.
  3. Dare a rowdy drunk friend to eat a raw egg. Then duck. It will make him puke, ridding his system of some excess alcohol and leaving him exhausted.
  4. The most dangerous method of subduing a drunk—if his life is threatened by his actions, for instance—is to delivery [sic] a hefty blow to the side of his head. It’ll knock him out. This is for emergencies only.

Items one and two are safe and reliable. Item two is probably the most fun, because who doesn’t love seeing a drunk friend do something dumb? Just remember, one day the tables will turn, and you may well be the drunk person in question. So in all things, treat others as you like to be treated.

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The raw egg thing is funny, and I would love to see it attempted at some point. It could backfire, in terms of you ending up with puke on your person, but I suppose you never know until you give it the old college try. As for the final suggestion of knocking your friend out, that seems inadvisable. This, too, could backfire, and end in a straight-up brawl. I know two blogger friends who recently played a game where they were punching each other for funsies, and it ended in one of them with stitches and a concussion. Don’t hit people. That’s generally a good rule you should not break. But otherwise, enjoy being the sober person while your friend acts a fool.

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