Frequently in this space, we will consult a different entry in the 1987 book The Modern Man’s Guide to Life to see how the advice therein has aged. On Monday, we covered the art of bribery; today, we’re talking about chicks and baths.

The Modern Man’s Guide to Life presumes that all women are filthy wenches who need to be left in a tent to bleed for one week every month, after which they are to be doused in a chemical shower. My counterpoint: That’s not how things work. Also, fuck off.

Here’s the haps on baths for gals, circa the late ’80s:

The appropriateness of showers for women is predicated on use. A shower’s a fine place to make love, provided you don’t slip and die in a soapy embrace. For hygiene, however, women should take baths, not showers; the difference between a woman who bathes and one who showers is readily ascertainable.

There are very few places where it’s appropriate to sit in your own filth. Most of the time, no one has time for baths, and usually, they don’t happen like they do in movies. Just take a shower. Shower often, and shower thoroughly. That should do it. But alas, the guide continues:

Women find this observation rife with oppression. That isn’t the intent. Some guys like that composting aroma, some don’t. The problem is, there’s no way to bring up the subject without a lot of embarrassment and anger on both sides.

You think? This observation is also completely out of date. Possibly written by a man who at that point had little to no contact with a human woman. (“Composting”?) But he had, I’m guessing, read select passages from the Old Testament that deal with female hygiene, and had committed them to memory. It is a very antiquated perspective to take that women are vile creatures who need to go through special processes to clean themselves. If you’re reading this book, just skip this passage. Women can get things done in the shower just as easily as men. Don’t try to bring us down in the bathroom as well. You guys already have the rest of the world (besides the kitchen, our favorite spot in the house!!!!!) pretty well covered.

Besides, men smell worse.

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