Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise
Sports News Without Fear, Favor or Compromise

Dang, I Guess They Have "Oat Milk" Now?

Illustration for article titled Dang, I Guess They Have "Oat Milk" Now?
Photo: Getty

All the time, people (editors, for example) are insisting that blogs have to have “a point” or must be “about something”; they are saying things like “Bert, what is this blog” and “I honestly forgot you worked here until just now and I think I preferred it that way.” That’s just how it is for all of us in The Digital Media Space. Did you know they have milk made from oats, now? Man.


I guess they’re out of oat milk, somewhere? Somewhere there is an oat milk shortage, and by that I don’t mean just because “oat milk,” in literal terms, is a thing that cannot possibly exist. They’re runnin’ short on oat milk! I know this because I skimmed this insane blog, from Man Repeller, about how a) there is not enough oat milk, or not enough of one brand of oat milk, but also b):

[Brand of oat milk]’s success is more than just a run-of-the-mill wellness trend—it’s the driver of a fundamental change in how we choose to nourish ourselves.

Which, yes, context collapse and all that, maybe this is a blog for literally like four total people who are deeply fucking committed to the [brand of oat milk] nourishment lifestyle and therefore “we” makes sense within that context, but otherwise this snippet strikes me as maybe the boldest food claim in the history of the internet? Think about how widespread and transformative a nourishment choice has to be before it can even get within, like, the distant Kuiper Belt-ass orbit of the stuff that can be described as “fundamental” to how any subset of humanity larger than like half a dozen people choose to nourish themselves. Agriculture, animal husbandry, refrigeration, pasteurization... and the apparent relative popularity, at this precise moment, of one brand of oat milk. That’s it. Those are The Five Things, the foundations of human nourishment, now. It was four before, but then oat milk rocked their ass! Make room for oat milk, squares!

Anyway that’s not even what’s most funny about that oat milk blog. What’s most funny about that oat milk blog is this tweet:

Personally I think this is a good template for blogs. My Local CVS Was Out Of 20-Ounce Red Bull Cans The Other Day, Therefore The 20-Ounce Red Bull Can Is A Driver Of Fundamental Changes To How We Choose To Hydrate Ourselves. One Of My Kids Walked Off With My Last Damn Pilot G2 Retractable Premium Gel Ink Roller Ball Pen (The Lodestar Of All Existence) And Now I Can’t Find It Anywhere. Three Other People In My Very Narrowly Defined Social Class Share My Enthusiasm For The New Netflix Show, And From This I Have Surmised That This Show Has Rewired The Human Central Nervous System At A Molecular Level Forever. I Thought One Blog About Oat Milk Overstated Its Case Hilariously, And Therefore All Of You Both Drink Oat Milk And Are Stupid For Drinking Oat Milk. Good blog ideas.

Anyway, back to oat milk. You might think Surely it is not possible to derive anything milk-like from oats, but that’s only because you are unschooled in the ways of science and for the lesser reason that it’s true. Of oat milk, I have learned from the insane Man Repeller blog: “There’s 10-percent oat content in the final beverage.” Motherfucker! Milk-milk has a 100-percent milk content in the final beverage! Calling this fractionally-oats-ass shit “oat milk” is like calling Sprite “lime milk.” This beverage is not derived from oats! This beverage is derived from rain clouds. It just happens to have sluiced through the gutters and downspouts of a grain elevator on its way to a bottle.


A thing I enjoy greatly, as a sour and awful person, is the image of my vocally anti-milk colleagues pouring some Elmer’s School Glue plant-“milk” bullshit into their coffee, grimacing horribly, and being all “This is good and I like it.” I don’t really have a point for this blog, or a way to end it. But it is over now.