Illustration by Jim Cooke/GMG

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re talking frozen pizza, Donald Duck, youth sport treats, and more.

Your letters:

Nick:

A buddy of mine at work just told me something that changed my entire worldview. He claims that 100% of his bowel movements occur in two parts.

Part 1: Pee standing up

Part 2: Have a seat and do the dirty business

My entire life I’ve just tackled both missions while sitting and thought nothing of it. Am I the weirdo here?

You are not. This is uncommon behavior to me, but I didn’t want to have a redux of the whole sitting vs. standing debate, so I polled my fellow male staff members to see if any of them peed standing up before shitting:

“What? No.”

“That’s not really a thing.”

“Yeah that seems deeply insane.”

“I don’t think anyone does that.”

“Drew, this is crazy-person behavior.”

“It’s too early in the morning to discuss personal poop habits.”

“These people are lying.”

“I know one person who did the pre-poop pee. We told him at the time that it made no sense and he just said ‘I can’t do it any other way, man.’”

“This bugs me more than the stand-sit debate, and that bugged the hell out of me.”

Like my colleagues, I also sit for the entire process. There is an obvious danger to peeing before you sit down to crap. Usually, when I need to shit, I need to shit NOW. I don’t have the luxury of standing there for an extra few seconds to piss, exerting the same pelvic floor muscles that also control my bowel movements. There’s way too much room for user error there. What if all the canal locks are opened by accident? The poop has top priority. The pissing is just a side activity. Hell, I’ll stand to pee AFTER the fact to shake it out. But before? Too risky.

Advertisement

I know it’s not easy for some of our larger citizens to pee while sitting down. If you’ve got meaty thighs, as I do, those can really bunch up and restrict the flow of things. Your thighs will never be thicker than when you’re sitting on a toilet seat. It’s very unflattering. But I still say you gotta sit down for the whole enterprise. Please note that I have not factored in the surprise turd alert, when you think you’re only going to pee and then, once you start, you realize that you got the bonus plan. Happens to the best of us. Otherwise, please sit down to shit and piss.

 

Matthew:

I’m a Seattle fan, how did you deal with your Blair Walsh induced pain? Really feeling it after his three missed field goals today.

Fuck you! When Walsh was perfect on his field goals during the preseason, I had a Seattle friend actively TAUNT me about it, like they got a fully functional Blair Walsh for free. Nothing brings me more joy than to see the bill come due. Seattle fans think they’re magic but really they are SHIT.

Advertisement

As for consolation, I fucking hate self-appointed sports whisperers and so do you. Walsh was clearly broken after his time in Minnesota. The Seahawks should have known better instead of deluding themselves into think their Culture Of Winning could help turn him around. That was pure hubris. Now they’re stuck with a dude who couldn’t even make a chip shot against the Skins. If you’re a fan of that team you should go put laxatives in Pete Carroll’s chewing gum.

 

Evan:

After you cook a frozen pizza, how the hell do you slice it so all of the pepperoni isn’t all caught in the black hole between the two slices? Not that I eat frozen pizza a lot, but when I do this always is a problem. Unacceptable.

One thing you can do is move the pepperoni around BEFORE you cook the pizza. The toppings on a frozen pizza are often very loose, and sometimes fall off the pizza before you’ve even unboxed it, which is fun! So it’s not that hard to just rearrange them based on probable cutting lines. Then you’re not stuck with the dreaded collapsed pepperoni. That’s a tragedy that should befall no man.

Also, not to digress, but most frozen pizza is fucking terrible. You’re almost always better off ordering delivery instead. I have one frozen pizza I like and the rest taste like insulation. And a gigantic FUCK YOU to any frozen pizza where they order you to cook it directly on the oven rack. So not only do you end up with a disappointing, shitty pizza; but your oven is a fucking mess afterward. I keep getting tricked into thinking, “Oh wow, I’m cooking it right on the rack like a REAL pizzaiolo! MAMMA MIA!” That’s a lie. All it takes it one bit of cheese to drip down the rack for your oven to turn into a coal mine. Open the door and suddenly you are BOMBARDED with cheese smoke. It’s awful.

Even the par-baked pizzas like DiGiorno are pretty beat. Order in or just suck it up and make your own. I’m tired of being disappointed by frozen pizza over and over again. Just seeing those little hard, frozen strands of mozzarella is enough to let me know I’m in for a night of sad eating.

 

Adam:

Does anybody even like Donald Duck?

Yeah, kids like Donald Duck because he has an aggressive lisp, no pants, and is always mad. As noted here, Donald Duck is basically a shittier Daffy Duck. But he gets the job done if you need to entertain a three-year-old. If you ever see something terrible in the pop culture and think to yourself, “Who the fuck is this for?”, blame kids. You’ll never go wrong.

I actually like to read this one Donald Duck story to my kid at night. It’s about Mickey and the gang going on a picnic, only Mickey deliberately doesn’t tell Donald Duck, because he doesn’t want Donald to come. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE MUCH, MICK? Remind to make Mickey Mouse an honorary Minnesotan.

Advertisement

Anyway, Donald gets wind of it and steals all their food. And then, when Mickey finds out his picnic is gone, he does his stupid Mickey voice and is like OH DEAR! WE HAVE NO FOOD! Then Donald comes along, pretending he just happened to be in the area. And when he hears that the gang’s food has been pilfered, he generously agrees to share his food (their food!) with them. Now that’s a bold move, and it takes Mickey’s gang a solid 10 minutes to figure out it’s the same meal, because they’re all stupid. But then—get this—they confront Donald and he throws it RIGHT BACK IN THEIR SHIT! He’s like, “Yeah, I stole it because you fuckers left me behind,” and then they feel bad and invite him to the picnic anyway. So he got the food AND got to make everyone feel like shit. Now tell me that isn’t a valuable lesson for children. Donald Duck has some game in him.

 

Eric:

Why is parental rotation of snack responsibilities a thing in youth sports? Why can’t I just feed my kid and you feed yours? ALSO: Best snack/drink combo for youth sports?

No I’m 100 percent in favor of the team snack. It’s a nice reward for the kids after they’ve been blown out 10-0. They trudge off the field crestfallen and then BOOM! A variety box of Utz chips and suddenly the pain is forgotten. You lose as a team, you gorge as a team. Tell me that a cooler full of orange wedges doesn’t bring up happy memories for you. You cannot. Some traditions are well worth preserving. Also, you only have one week in the rotation as a parent. That’s not exactly a burden, even if I accidentally leave the team snack at home nine times out of ten. Do I even bother to refrigerate the juice boxes? I do not.

Advertisement

Now, as for the best snack/drink combo, you and I know that kids love eating garbage. Therefore, you will be an absolute God if you bring Capri Sun pouches and a Frito-Lay variety pack to the field. That is the junk food ceiling for postgame snacks. If you bring a case of soda and a box of Twinkies to a soccer game in 2017, the other parents WILL murder you. I can’t even imagine the consequences of such a thing. Juice and chips are about the best you can get away with. Those little pouches of Mini Oreos and Chips Ahoy are also a big hit.

You can go the other way and bring veggie sticks and Honest Tea, but I promise you that kids will just ignore them. Like, the other parents will say, “Oh, that’s a SMART snack!” Meanwhile, they’ll all go untouched. Those kids aren’t dumb. They’ll just hit McDonald’s on the way home instead of having your bullshit “treat”.

By the way, please note the danger of bringing a sibling to one of these games. I brought my youngest kid to his older brother’s soccer game this weekend. The postgame snack was donuts. Did the youngest kid run up and steal a donut? You know he did. When I took it from him and explained that donuts were for team members only, he fucking flipped. Tears, snot, everything. He threw a damn water bottle at me. Cried the whole way home. Next time, I’m leaving him with the dog. If he’d been as shrewd as Donald Duck, he’d have STOLEN those donuts and pretended they were his own. Get it together, kid.

 

Teo:

If an average high school football team were to play Alabama, with Alabama being required to try to gain the highest margin of victory possible (no mercy!) and the high schoolers just trying to keep the margin of victory as narrow as possible, what would the spread be? 15-minute quarters.

222. That was the margin of victory in the infamous Georgia Tech-Cumberland game, which was played a century ago. Happy anniversary, everyone. That game took place AFTER Cumberland discontinued its football program, but Georgia Tech forced them to honor the schedule anyway and proceeded to show no mercy of any kind, scoring 32 touchdowns and forcing 15 turnovers. You know, the kind of gaudy numbers you usually only see in a standard Big 12 game. HEY-OOOOOOOOO.

Advertisement

So, with that in mind, I think Bama would score on virtually every play against your median-ability high school team, and in fact probably injure 90 percent of the poor bastards in the process. It would be unpleasant. 222-0 seems reasonable. Lay the points.

By the way, Cumberland football came back in 1920 and has remained in place to this day. If kids from opposing schools aren’t hoisting 222-0 signs at every game against them, I will be grievously disappointed. This year’s team is a respectable 6-4. Also, they are no longer the Cumberland Bulldogs, opting to change their name to the Cumberland Phoenix just last year. I, for one, support the de-bulldogging of college football. The fewer Tigers, Wildcats, and Bulldogs there are in the NCAA, the less confusion there will be for all parties involved.

 

Matthew:

What’s weirder: Norm MacDonald shilling for Safe Auto or Shaq shilling for The General?

Shaq. Shaq is just 45, man! What the fuck is he doing shilling for cut-rate insurance and Icy Hot? I already feel old because he’s out of the league. He didn’t have to go the full Ed McMahon on top of it. Five years from now he’s gonna be hawking fallout shelters on FOX News because he can’t sell off any of his custom pinball machines. I’m not ready for this shit.

HALFTIME!

Miles:

A friend of mine puts butter on his sandwiches. He says it’s something he picked up from his family in central Kentucky. That’s weird, right?

My mom used to put butter on my ham sandwiches when I was a kid because I hated mayo. Now you might ask, “Well then, why didn’t she just put cheese on it instead?” and I have no good answer for that. Apparently I was just a big hungry fatty who liked some ham and butter sandwiches. Do I deserve to be PERSECUTED for this? Probably. Putting a cold pat of butter on a sandwich is unhealthy at best.

Advertisement

However… well now, tell me what food stuff isn’t improved by the presence of extra animal-fat byproducts. One of the reasons a restaurant hamburger is so tasty is because they butter the bun before griddling it. And any steak sandwich is vastly improved by toasting the bread and slathering it with butter and watching the butter melt into the little toasty crannies and… you know what? I think I need to go have as steak sandwich now. Butter is fine—necessary, even—on hot sandwiches. It’s just weird on cold sandwiches. You butter a turkey sub and that’s out of line. But if you got some fresh hot bread and you smother it in Kerrygold before layering on some salami? Lemme tell you something, America: That’s the key to living, right there. Sometimes, when I have bread and cheese, I’ll put butter AND cheese on the bread. Yes I struggle with calorie intake.

 

Bill:

We all agree that Thursday Night Football sucks. I have a not-too-radical solution that should work for everyone – follow the model that the NFL already uses for week 1 MNF. Move the Thursday night game to Monday night and scatter the games. Game # 1 will feature teams from the Eastern or Central time zones and starts at 7:00 PM EST. Game #2 will feature teams from the Central, Mountain, or Pacific time zones and starts at the current 8:30 PM EST. The NFL gets to keep its second non-Sunday national game and so shouldn’t lose much money. And the viewers get the opportunity to switch between games when one of them inevitably stinks. Can we institute this policy and finally kill off the unnatural monstrosity that is Thursday Night Football?

Yeah I don’t mind that idea, so long as the second MNF game doesn’t kick off at 10 p.m. like it does in Week 1. That’s fucking awful. My only hangup is that your proposal doesn’t help with the glaring problem during bye weeks where the primetime games essentially destroy the Sunday afternoon slate. I have sat through entire 1 p.m. slates this year that are fucking garbage. That shouldn’t happen, man. I shouldn’t be bored watching Red Zone, but that happens when TNF, SNF, and MNF all conspire to cannibalize the schedule. You can maybe get away with that during a 16-game week. But when there are only 13 games? It’s noticeable rot, especially when fans aren’t always sure where the fuck these London games are airing, if they air on live TV at all.

Advertisement

I think it’s inevitable that TNF goes away eventually, at least for part of the season. Networks are openly complaining about viewer fatigue, and I can tell you that the fatigue is real. Being an NFL fan used to be a relatively light time commitment. You set aside all of Sunday and then Monday Night and got all your football in. But when you add Thursday Night AND some shitty morning game, you stretch out that commitment while diluting the product across all time slots. That’s true even when the TNF game turns out to be decent. They have to condense the schedule back down so that watching these games doesn’t take on the kind of burden normally reserved for following a baseball team for an entire season. Otherwise, people are gonna find excuses not to watch. I am a very lazy sports fan. Please do not make me do more than I am capable of.

Jack:

Could Andrew Luck learn to throw with the other arm? Like he could probably get to about 80% of what he could do with his right assuming he does it as intensely as an NFL player could? And a “healthy” 80% of Luck would still be an okay starter in the NFL. Learning to only throw a football would be way easier than learning to switch hit.

Not a chance. He’d be dead meat. I know baseball has right-handed players who bat and/or throw lefty, but those guys tend to start at an early age. You’re talking about rewiring not just Luck’s throwing motion but the whole way he plays football. It would affect his footwork, his hips, his upper body, and even his brain. He’d have to learn how to read a defense while starting from a position facing leftward. All of that would be unnatural for him, and the Colts’ line would still get him killed. By the time he got even mildly proficient, he’d have wasted even more of his prime. I mean, he’d still be better than Tom Savage, but that’s not saying much.

Advertisement

By the way, if you’d like to be angry, go ahead and read Will Brinson’s recap of just how badly the Colts fucked up Luck’s shoulder and his career. Everyone involved deserves jail time, as far as I’m concerned. Imagine sacrificing your body just so that Chuck Pagano and Ryan Grigson could stay gainfully employed for an extra year or two. And now Jim Irsay is six cocktails deep and chiming in about how all of Luck’s problem are mental. Imagine getting called out by a rich brat whose brain is 90 percent fentanyl at this point. Andrew Luck is trapped in hell.

Trent:

New guy in the office (small cubes, limited privacy) is eating burned popcorn at 8am. I’m not the type to hide my emotion, so I tell him to not fucking eat burned popcorn in the morning. He says he likes burned popcorn. I’m on track to be manager but it may get derailed when I slam the popcorn bag over his head and beat him senseless with my Swingline while screaming STOP EATING YOUR FUCKING BURNED POPCORN! My response is completely rational, right?

Who the fuck like burned popcorn? That’s far more insane than buttering your sandwich. If I burn just one kernel of corn it feels like the whole BAG is tainted by it. I have no confidence wolfing down fistfuls of that shit if I know I torched part of it. The smell lingers in the house for nine years. It is the smell of abject failure.

Advertisement

I tend to be pretty forgiving about office kitchen smells. But if your coworker is deliberately burning popcorn—a fire hazard, no less—and he’s doing it first thing in the morning, that really is worth complaining about. Tell him to burn his fucking popcorn at home if that’s the kind of fucked up breakfast he wants. Then he can pour boiling hot coffee down his shirt to top it off.

 

Aaron:

Let’s say JJ Abrams is having trouble with the Star Wars IX film. Does he sprinkle in a Han Solo force ghost? If so, old Han or young Han?

No, Han Solo isn’t force-sensitive. You gotta have The Force to get a Force Ghost. That’s science. If they really need to bring Harrison Ford back to juice up the movie (and he’d piss and moan about it until they cut him a check for $30 million), it would be in some sort of flashback. They would show Kylo Ren breaking off from his parents, and being like “I don’t need your shit anymore, man!” followed by Han going “BEN NOOOOOOO!” and then Chewie letting out a grief howl. I bet they already filmed that sequence when they did the first movie anyway. You gotta have that coverage yo. They’re not dumb.

Advertisement

By the way, I bought Last Jedi tickets for the Saturday after it opens and got FUCKED because a sports thing for my kid got scheduled AFTER I bought them. This is horseshit. Even when I diligently plan things and double-check the calendar to make sure the day is free, I still get boned. It’s not right, man. Just ONCE I would like to make plans and not have a goddamn conflict come up. Is that too much to ask, God? Huh? Why don’t you want me to see Star Wars, you big celestial penis?!

Anyway, if anyone needs noon tickets to the non-3D Rockville showing on 12/16, lemme know. They got reclining seats and shit.

 

David:

So for 11 minutes last week the Trump Twitter was disabled by a rogue Twitter hero. What would happen if the higher ups at Twitter said, “Fuck this guy” and really cancelled his account for real? They can do that, right?

Of course they can. It’s their company. They own the President’s account, which is probably why the President shouldn’t be pounding out missives from the toilet with it. Will they ever have the sack to ban him? No. We’re talking about Twitter here. They’re the dumbest company in history. They never make any money, and they never do anything to improve their product. All they do is add Nazi bots and give them extra characters. They’re not banning Trump. They’ll ban Kamala Harris before they ban Trump. They’ll do whatever it takes to please Wall Street. Wall Street’s gonna ask them to chop down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring.

Advertisement

I derived far, far too much satisfaction from that stupid account disappearing last week. I was outright giddy. I don’t even know why. Only idiot Trump voters think Twitter is Trump’s biggest flaw. He’d still be blimp filled with fart gas with or without it. And yet, I was so excited when the account was deleted and so let down when it popped back up, unscathed, minutes later. If he’s ever formally impeached, it’ll feel like someone shot a speedball directly into my spine.

By the way, I bet that freelancer who deleted the account gets prosecuted somehow. All the wrong people are getting in trouble.

 

Swiffer:

Which TV character had the most sexual partners? Sam Malone, Dan Fielding or Blanche Devereaux?

Sam Malone. Always assume a pro athlete operates on a different level of horniness than regular citizens like your local public defender and/or bridge enthusiast.

 

Drew:

How long after a shower is your butthole still considered clean? Like how long after showering would you be willing to touch your butthole like it was any other part of your body? First shit? First fart? First sweat?

Yeah but what do I need to touch my butthole for? It’s not like I’m gonna find a Reese’s Cup in there. Hell, I’m nervous digging around there IN the shower. God only knows what kinda dingleberries are waiting for me. Anyway, I would give your butthole a five-minute grace period after showering. After that, it goes right back to being the bacteria-infested crater it always was. If you’re into butt stuff, you gotta take advantage right after the shower. Don’t go for a long walk and assume that thing is still pristine when you wanna do some butt action. Strike while the butthole is hot, I say.

 

Email of the week!

The Shed:

What if you had a dog, that through some miracle of genetic mutation and a giant misunderstanding at a backyard cookout, you discovered pooped nothing but the finest German sausages ever known to man? These things are perfectly cooked, crisped, browned, and (after extensive testing) perfectly safe to eat. I’m talking about the kind of sausage that would get you a crown, a golden stein, and a reserved seat at the best tent during Oktoberfest, invitations from fancy sausage eating millionaires, and general worldwide recognition for having a wonderful product with rather limited supply. These things give you a life of celebrity and wealth simply by showing up with a few of them to feed the people that can pay an extravagant price for such a delicacy. You, and only you, know what the deal is, and there is no possibility of anyone else finding out about your secret. Do you ever eat one for yourself to find out what the hubbub is all about?

One? I eat them all. You’re talking about the goose that laid the golden egg. I’m eating ALL of the poop sausages.