Sports News Without Access, Favor, Or Discretion
Illustration by Sam Woolley

The quickest way to improve your cooking—besides throwing a stick of butter into everything—is to throw onions into everything. Onions work with every cuisine, they’re versatile, and they taste amazing. However much onion a recipe calls for should be doubled, at least, no matter the recipe.

The problem with following my own advice is that I’m a giant goddamn baby. Even mild onions make me tear up immediately. I’ve been known to blindly dice a cutting board full of onions because I was crying so many stinging tears that I had to shut my eyes. Chewing gum, putting a match in my mouth, refrigerating the onion, lighting a candle, cutting under running water ... I’ve tried them all. Despite other opinions, none of this shit works.


And then one day, I was gifted just the stupidest product. Onion goggles. Somebody gave me onion goggles. These onion goggles (in white).

Onion goggles work for everybody, and no matter how strong the onion is, the goggles are impervious. There’s just one, literally one, downside.


They look dumb as hell. Look at my dumb face in my dumb kitchen, about to chop up some onions for a stir fry. No matter your opinion of my dumb face, it looks much dumber because I’m wearing onion goggles. It’s like I’m wearing a defective model of swim goggles, or a very poor Bono Halloween costume.

But who cares about form when the function is that you can finally chop onions to your heart’s content!!! I know that you wholeheartedly follow Alton Brown’s edict against unitaskers, but think of it this way: You make food everyday, and therefore you chop onions every day, and therefore you will use onion goggles everyday. It’s a unitasker, perhaps, but one that gets more run than anything else in your kitchen.


Just buy a pair already.

Reporter at the New York Times

Share This Story

Get our newsletter