One of the greatest things about becoming an adult is realizing that, despite what you’ve been led to believe, most things are bad. Parties, hangouts, “chill seshes”—each one worse than the last and far inferior to sitting on a couch in a cocoon of your own filth. You know that now. And thanks to this one, easy trick, you can always choose the latter without making everyone hate you in the process (probably).
The key to a happy life of rude indifference and flaking on everyone you know is this: Never make plans in the first place.
Do you want to hang out on Friday? Oh, that sounds great. I might have to do this other thing, though. Let me get back to you.
Want to meet us for drinks later? Yes, definitely! Assuming I can get out of this vague and complicated thing I said I’d do.
Want to buy tickets to go on a two-week vacation six months from now? Absolutely the fuck not.
In most cases, you can leave the possibility of saying yes open without inconveniencing the other party too much. That way, as the time draws closer, you’re free to decide at the last minute whether or not you actually want to seal the deal. And if someone asks you to do something that absolutely requires advance planning, if you’re like me, odds are you’re eventually going to hate yourself for saying yes. So instead, just say no.
Are you going to miss out on exciting opportunities that could help you grow as person? Ehhh, whatever. Every party, hangout, and chill-sesh is exactly the same, and the next one will be exactly like the one you have decided to flake on. Are some of your friends going to get annoyed that you refuse to make concrete plans? Yes, almost certainly. But life’s too short to worry about that.
Friend, I suggest that you do what makes you happy. Do nothing.
Ashley Feinberg is Gawker Media’s thirstiest blogger.
This is Gawker Media’s last week as an independent media operation, and while that shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, we’re still going to take advantage of a pretext to run some especially fun and stupid posts. If you have any ideas for such posts, hit us at firstname.lastname@example.org.