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How To Survive Your Favorite Team's Dumb, Embarrassing Scandal

St. Louis Cardinals fans have had to deal with everyone heaping shit on their team for awhile now, and at times, they’ve reacted poorly. With yesterday’s revelation of the FBI investigation into team officials hacking the Astros for information, the Best Fans in Baseball should prepare for a new truckload of shit. There’s a way for them to deal with it without anyone ending up as an ironic retweet, however.

Why do I feel qualified to give advice? As a Patriots fan, I’m an expert in being insufferable. I’ve endured the camera thing and the ball thing, and my blood pressure’s still fine. Ready to hear the trick?


Shut up.

That’s it.

If you’re generally a level-headed person, you might want to talk about how you’re just as disappointed as everyone else. Don’t do that.

Will, my man, that’s fine. You didn’t hack anything (that we know of). No one thinks you should be blamed. The people who hacked should be blamed. If you tweeted this in hopes of a cathartic release, you should’ve instead written it on a piece of paper, crumpled the paper up, and eaten it. (Will deleted it, which was the best move.)


Don’t pretend to not understand why it’s a big deal:


Don’t refer to “haters”:


Don’t do ... whatever this is:


(That one was also deleted.)

This is fine, though:


Here’s what you should do. Hey, are you typing out a tweet? I see that. Stop it. Delete it. Okay, listen:

Close your phone.

Close your computer.


Throw your possessions in a lake.

Walk the world.

Your team will be there when you get back. They’ll be fine.

Until then, shut up.

Thank you in advance.

Photo: Getty Images

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