Before we get into the Funbag, I have some quick book news. The Hike comes out August 2nd (peep the cover here) and I’m not gonna tell you much about it because I don’t wanna wear you down before we get to the TRULY insufferable book-whoring phase late this summer. All you need to know is:
1. It’s my second novel.
2. You can pre-order it through here (use the “PRE-ORDER FROM” drop-down menu for your preferred retailer). Pre-ordering is important because it goes toward first week sales, which puts me on the best seller list, which makes me money, which means I will buy you donuts and beer.
3. I did my best to make this thing as fun and entertaining for you as possible, because there’s nothing worse than being stranded in the middle of a boring, terrible book.
4. There will, apparently, be a book tour. But I don’t know the dates or cities yet.
And most important…
5. Despite that August release date, the NFL previews will NOT be affected. We’ll just start them earlier.
Got all that? Okay, now forget about all this for a while. You’ll hear more come August. Time for your letters:
What piece do you try to get when you play Monopoly? I find that a lot of people are drawn to the race car, but for me it’s the horse and rider. I can just picture myself horsin’ around the board. If the horse is unavailable, it’s the iron, and I still haven’t figured out why (I’m 36).
I always take the dog because A) It’s a cute little doggie and B) I can seize it while everyone else fights over the car. Then I can move my dog around the board and sniff the cards and go “WOOF! WOOF! TIME TO PEE ON THE BOARDWALK!” It really adds an extra dimension to gameplay.
ANYWAY, here’s how I would rank the tokens:
1. Race Car. VROOM VROOM! I’m running over pedestrians!
4. Thimble. I’m a big fan of real metal thimbles. It’s like my finger has a suit of armor on. I wanna be a criminal whose signature is attacking people with a thimble on every finger.
That stupid wheelbarrow—why would I want a token that falls over at the slightest jostle? Fuck that wheelbarrow. I prefer my Monopoly pieces to have a wide base. That’s why the hat and the iron are so solid. They can remain upright through any type of board disruption: knocking the board, having the dog run over the board, angrily tossing the board in the air when I land on my opponent’s New York Avenue AGAIN, delicately moving the board to a new location because the kitchen table is needed for pie-making, etc. That idiot wheelbarrow can’t survive any of that.
By the way, I own both real Monopoly and Monopoly Junior. And if it were up to me, we’d play Monopoly Junior every time. It’s fast, and everything costs a buck. As always, playing a board game with a child is agony. They never follow the rules. They take forever to do shit. They always throw the dice off the table. My back is aching within minutes. I have yet to withstand a full game of adult Monopoly with them. In fact, I don’t know if anyone anywhere has actually, legally finished a game of adult Monopoly. You play, and then you get sick of playing, and then you walk away. Monopoly Junior is the way to go.
I was watching the Australian Rules Football ‘Grand Final’ (which is their Super Bowl) a few months ago with some Aussie friends, and at halftime, to my amazement, instead of some pop-music bullshit or whatever, they took the 10 fastest players from the other teams in the league, and had a 100-meter race, right there on the field, winner gets $5,000. They had a big buildup, crowd was going wild, post-race interviews with the winner, and giant check presentation. I am not shitting you, you can watch it right here. Are there any valid reasons why this should not happen in the Super Bowl?
Look at how tight and branded their running pants are! I’LL ALLOW IT. I’m cool with any halftime show that features some kind of novelty athletic contest with a big cash prize: half-court shots, throwing a football into a hole, live snake wrestling, etc.
You’d have to have a really big cash prize to draw the fastest NFL players for it, though. The current Pro Bowl setup pays out $55K per player to the winning team, and $28K to the losing team. That’s a relatively small amount compared to the average NFL salary, so your incentive to succeed isn’t enormous. You still get to walk away with $28K if you spend the entire Pro Bowl rubbing butter on your penis. So I think the payout needs to be huge, OR they should have fans race instead. The reason I like watching some college bro try to nail a three-pointer for scholarship money is because that kid probably needs the money more. He’s young and hungry! SO GRITTY.
So, gas is pretty cheap these days. Let’s say I had the time and resources to rent a tanker truck and hoard gasoline. Is there anything preventing me from pulling my big rig into the local Citgo and filling up my tanker with 3000 gallons of gas at $1.80 per gallon, and saving it up for the summer when the price gets jacked up to $3.5 per gallon?
But where will you sell it? How will you sell it? Black market gas is a real phenomenon, but it’s highly illegal because it’s unsafe and, more important, BIG OIL doesn’t want you to do it. They’ve established a cartel and gamed the system and bribed Congress into passing laws that keep you, the hard-working amateur gashound, from re-selling your precious fluid at flea markets, tailgates, and church picnics. You can’t even let your children set up a gasoline stand in your driveway. THE BASTARDS.
If you fill up a gas can with primo unleaded and then try to sell it a year later (without blowing yourself up in the interim), rest assured that a big siren goes off at Exxon’s volcano mountain lair, and the cat-stroking warlords in charge will stare at a GPS image of you on a very large screen. And then they will send their hired goons to find you, accost you, take your gas, and chop your feet off. They don’t fuck around. If I were President, I would make it illegal for oil executives to chop people’s limbs off. That is my personal guarantee.
When using the airport bathroom as a solo traveler you are forced to bring your bag in with you and leave it behind you as you pee. If someone took you bag, would you remember to put your dick away before chasing after them?
Yes. But stall size is a legitimate problem and the #1 reason that some travelers are compelled to use the handicapped stall even when they are not handicapped themselves. The average public bathroom stall doesn’t have enough room for a big fat American and his standard-size rolling suitcase.
I know this firsthand. I was in Union Station in DC and I had to take a crap, and there was no putting it off. Union Station, notoriously, only has one bathroom in the general boarding area, and it ain’t the nicest bathroom. Anyway, I walked into the stall with my bag and tried to close the door, but there wasn’t enough room between the toilet and the door to close it all way. So I had to hold my suitcase OVER the toilet, close the door, put the bag down, hang my jacket on the handle (no hooks on the door), and then do my business. Then I gotta stand up and do the whole process in reverse to get back out. At one point, my bag touched the toilet. DAMMIT.
But there is no other choice. What am I gonna do, leave my bag outside the stall? Someone could steal it. Or worse, someone could alert the cops, and then I would be interrogated and have my colon searched for plastique explosives. I have a hard time leaving my bag even when I’m just using the urinal. I have to make sure it’s an end urinal with a little empty wall spot for my bag, or I have to place the bag directly behind me and periodically check on it as I’m whizzing to make sure no one has absconded with it. It’s not a fun way to pee. This is why every public bathroom needs a luggage rack, and every stall should be handicapped-sized. What other recourse is there? Check my bag? Don’t be ridiculous.
If a major 8+ Richter Scale earthquake hit the Bay Area an hour before SB 50, does the game go on? What if it’s at kickoff, halftime or whenever?
No. As cynical as I am about the NFL’s need to keep the revenue streams open, they can’t stage a Super Bowl an hour after an earthquake destroys the host city. First of all, the stadium could be structurally compromised and would have to be inspected. Secondly, local governments might need the stadium for emergency sheltering and housing vital personnel (although I could see Jed York drawing up a stadium contract that specifically forbade such a use for his new joint, because he sucks). Major highways would have to be kept clear. No one could drive to the game with buildings on fire and bridges collapsed. The Ginger Hammer would have no choice but to postpone the game for a week and possibly stage it in a different location.
And then the NFL could commemorate and monetize their BRAVE and BOLD decision to move the game back a week. People, this was the HARDEST decision of Roger Goodell’s tenure. His life, even. But in the end, he did what was RIGHT. And now you can help the cause by donating to NFL Play Hurt, a bold and new initiative in which the NFL will fill the Bay Area tectonic rift with the brain matter of deceased players. Together, we can END earthquakes forever.
Assuming Peyton plans to retire after the Super Bowl anyway, why not just take as much HGH, steroids, horse tranquilizers, etc. as he can? It’s not like they’re going to test him in the next two weeks and then he can stop and ride off into the sunset.
That’s a good idea! I don’t know how much extra strength you can amass in just two weeks if you inject every last drug in the world into your body, but it wouldn’t hurt to try! Peyton would be like the grandpa in Little Miss Sunshine who shoots up heroin because he’s old and gonna die soon. I think Manning should shoot himself up on the Media Night podium.
Also, I don’t think Peyton is gonna retire. He should’ve retired after last season, but now he’s in the Super Bowl! I bet he thinks that’s proof that the HATERZZZZ were wrong and he’s still got some HGH left in the tank. He’ll probably try to stick around for another year, and then CBS will pony up $5 million to have him replace PHEEL SEEMS. I have no issue with that.
In watching the sadness of college basketball this afternoon, I find myself wishing I remembered which teams were in which conferences. I realize that this is a ridiculous question since money is really all that matters, but are any teams actually better off competitively as a result of changing conferences? I can’t name one.
I think most of them are technically “better off competitively,” because switching conferences made them more money, which in theory gives them more revenue to hire good coaches and build luxury ice palaces for recruits to cream themselves over. Utah is probably better off for moving to the Pac-12. Missouri is probably better off for moving to the SEC. Maryland moved to the Big Ten and just sprung for a decent football coach AND the basketball team is thriving, so they’re probably okay with the move even though I keep forgetting they don’t play Duke anymore. I bet the student section is so disappointed.
Where it gets murkier is for programs like Rutgers, which was a trainwreck in the Big East and now continues to be a train wreck in the Big Ten. Or Colorado, which is still eating shit despite moving to the Pac-12. It’s possible that these programs didn’t get quite the expected windfall that they were expecting when they were sold on the move. Or the ADs just kept all the money for themselves. Or these programs have an inherent suckiness that no amount of money can help improve. It’s probably all of those things. If every team switches conferences, not every team can have its prospects improve.
Could you beat Peyton Manning in a 40-yard dash right now?
NO. Peyton may be a broken-down piece of beef chuck, but he’s still a professional athlete who could whip my ass in any basic skills contest. Also, I am arguably the slowest man on Earth at the 40-yard dash. In college, I couldn’t break SIX seconds. So I lost roughly 80 pounds and worked out all offseason and did practice sprints and nearly invested in those shoes with the big stilt on the toe that supposedly help your speed. When it came time to run the 40 again the next season, I ran a 5.9. It was pathetic. The 40-yard dash is a cruel bastard, and speed can’t be learned. I probably wouldn’t beat Peyton even if I was riding a Vespa.
If the National League adopts the DH rule, which team(s)/manager(s) would be most tempted to still make their pitcher bat for the sake of history/tradition/integrity/grittiness/my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours?
I actually thought having your pitcher be his own DH was illegal in the American League, but NO! No, it turns out that the DH is strictly an optional thing, and you can bat your pitcher if you really feel like it. Of course, no one does, because that would be stupid. As much as managers value tradition and honoring THE CODE, they prize not being fired even more, so no one is gonna bat a pitcher if there’s a competent DH ready as an alternative. The only way it would happen is if two teams agreed to some future throwback day where they bat the pitchers and give out free cotton candy and shit.
By the way, I don’t see why baseball is suddenly pushing to make this happen. They’ve had this weird divide for decades now and it hasn’t adversely affected the sport. It gives each league its own distinct personality, something that football and basketball conferences lack. American League teams are big dumb teams that score lots of runs, and National League teams are brainless cherubs who have to eke out 3-2 wins every day because the 9-hole is a wasteland. WHAT WILL BECOME OF THEIR BRANDING?! I think they should just keep everything the same. I’m a purist, by God. MORE INCONSISTENT RULES AND LESS BAT FLIPS PLEEEZ.
I constantly have trouble discerning blue pants from black pants when they’re hanging in the closet. There is plenty of light available to me and I’m not colorblind. But I’ll put on a pair of pants thinking they’re one color and coordinate shirt and socks for that color, only to find out when I get out in public that I’ve mixed them up yet again. I’ve tried holding them up in front of the window, and that works about half the time. The rest of the time I look like a dork. Any suggestions?
Get married. Your wife can tell the difference and will GLADLY point out your male pattern colorblindness. I used to see colors just fine. Then I got married and certain blacks became dark navy, and dark green slipped over to dark brown. A Buzzfeed Dress-style argument happens once a month in this house because I’m supposedly too lazy to look closely enough at a garment to discern its true color. But that’s not true. We got grey paint to paint a wall and I swear to you that the paint is named Olympus White. It’s grey. Look at this goddamn wall. That’s grey paint! Why is it called white?! This is bullshit.
There is a 100% correlation between being happy and skipping. Not even a 99.9%, it has to be 100%, correct?
Oh sure. It’s like being on a swing. It’s hard to have a bad time on a swing if you’re a grownup. You can just swing your loan debt troubles away!
I’m actually surprised that skipping circles haven’t become a new age workout fad. We’re a year away from the New York Times running an article called, “In Skipping, Grownups Find A Joyous Workout,” with former SoulCycle moms explaining how the endorphin release from skipping naturally reduces wrinkles by eight percent.
If ISIS executed a terrorist attack that killed the Pope, would that actually start WWIII?
Probably. Listen man, it doesn’t take much of anything to start World War III. War is good business for defense contractors and arms manufacturers and oil cartels and camo gear retailers, so all you have to do is obtain a video of ISIS burning a DVD boxed set of The Wire and those industries will tell their government pissboys, “Look at those assholes! We need a war! A good war would make us strong!” And off we go.
What is the use of a toenail, other than being uncomfortable and annoying? Why haven’t they become part of Natural Selection, going away because of lack of use? Why not remove infant toenails during circumcision?
I don’t think infant toenail removal is a good idea. They grow back, you know. They’re very persistent. You clip them once, and then you gotta clip them again three days later. There’s nothing worse than the sight of old man toenails at the beach. It makes me wanna die.
Anyway, toenails are annoying and gross and often get infected, and I would indeed prefer to have formless blob toes with no pesky nail attached. But you make do with what God gave you. Don’t go amputating them on your own. One time I cut my pinky toenail too far down and then just ripped the fucker out, because I am stupid. And I was like I DID IT! NO MORE NAIL FOR ME! And then the blood came spilling out. That stupid toe bled for an hour. Don’t fuck with your toenails. They are the most vindictive part of your body.
Suppose you’re a white male, around 35, slightly above average intelligence and looks, no political experience, and willing to move anywhere and throw all morals and ideals out the window so you can run in either party. Which state would be the easiest to get elected to the US Congress? Do you go for a state with low population (Wyoming), or a state where the people are just really dumb and impressionable (I’m looking at you, South Carolina)?
This is Congress? If we’re talking about the Senate, I’d pick a low-population state because every state gets two senators anyway, which is such a bad idea. Wyoming doesn’t deserve two of anything.
But if we’re talking about Congress, you have to focus in on DISTRICTS, and not entire states. If I were you, I would find a relatively obscure Congressional district in a rural area that is dominated by a single, corrupt industry. Like one in Alaska! Look at all these pointless districts (UPDATE: Alaska has one district and I am dumb). I bet BIG OIL controls half of them. So your pack your bags, move up north, attend lots of town hall meetings and church services, and cozy up to the local Citgo Manager of Bribes. KABOOM! You’ll be off to Washington in no time, amigo. You will Make Alaska Great Again.
While baking over the weekend, I opened the oven door and got bukkaked with hot steam, which got me thinking: other than the “real” bukkake what are the worst types of bukkake? Oven bukkake is pretty bad but is it worse that a blast in the face from a just-finished dishwasher?
Oh, a snowball to the face. Of all the facials in the world, getting whitewashed is the worst. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry like an eight-year-old. Double the pain if you have glasses on. THE WORST. Here are some other unpleasant facial attacks:
-Steam from a pot. You take off the lid, and then your face melts off. It’s not a pleasant moment
-Wind chill. Did you forget a scarf? The wind will MAKE YOU PAY
-Rogue grapefruit/orange squirt
-Brushing against a wet tree and having it dump its entire water supply on you
Was having this argument with my roommate the other day: Is it better to be up for an activity or down for it? My personal vote is for up, but down seems to be the leader in the clubhouse these days. Obviously it sounds better to say “I’m down” than “I’m up” if you’re just going to use the two words since the latter sounds like you’re bragging about your boner, but if you speak English in real person sentences, I’d rather be up for something than down for it.
I don’t agree. Whenever I’m up for something, that means I’m willing to tolerate it. “Sure, I’d be up for tacos!” That’s my way of tepidly endorsing your dinner recommendation. I am game. I am willing to indulge you because I’m too lazy to think of an alternative. But if I say, “Oh, I am DOWN for tacos,” that means you have my full support. I didn’t think of going out for tacos until you suggested it. But now that you have, it’s as if someone has discovered life on Mars in real time right in front of me.
(NOTE: I am never not down for tacos.)
If your name is Cole, should you bring Coleslaw to every pot luck event?
What do you think is the closest amount of time a pregnant woman has had between having oral sex performed on her, and giving birth?
Thirty seconds. As always, if there is a disgusting sexual act to be performed, someone out there has performed it. Maybe that explains the Duggars. Maybe they find giving birth to be an EROTIC experience. You can probably find a whole birthalingus subculture if you search around on the Internet. I am not willing to perform such a search.
I’m a Kentucky basketball fan, however unlike a lot of us/those, I am also a Kentucky football fan. What do you think is keeping us from getting it together on the football field?
Well, you need a shitload of money, and you need boosters (By the way, who the hell ARE all these people who have enough free money to lavish upon a football team?). And if you’ve sucked at football for as long as Kentucky has, it’s hard to find much support from boosters when the basketball team offers a clearer return on investment.
You need to have a long tradition of football success, so that some 60-year-old car dealership magnate is willing to fork over 10% of his revenue so that he can re-live the old days vicariously through your piddly-shit football team. If you lack a track record of success, that tends to be self-perpetuating. Only monster schools like Florida and Texas can afford to lose a shitload of money on TWO sports, and not just one.
Email of the week!
So I’m sitting here in a cafe trying to finish applying to masters programs and listening to Cat Stevens to help me concentrate. But now that’s totally backfired. At around the 1:52 minute mark of Wild World there’s this wet, floppy noise that’s pretty unmistakable.
I’ve since listened to it fifteen times. I googled ‘Cat Stevens farting’ and nothing came up. Surely farts were funny in the 70's - I can’t be the only one to have noticed this? I hope someone lets me into grad school.
I don’t think it’s a fart. I think it’s a twanging string, like on a guitar. It sounds terrible, though. I wish I had been in the studio with Cat when he laid down the guitar fart. “Oh yeah, that’s the sound we want.”
Illustration by Sam Woolley.
Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He’s also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter@drewmagary and email him at email@example.com. You can also pre-order Drew’s second novel, The Hike, through here.