Graphic: Jim Cooke (GMG), Photo: Getty
FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? [Email the Funbag](mailto:funbag.deadspin@gmail.com).   

Today, we’re talking about the Super Bowl, stoner girlfriends, the NBA, and more.

Oh. Hello there. I’m Drew, the regular host of this particular column. I owe you an explanation for why I’ve been away for two months while a number of wonderful guest hosts—and also Ashley Feinberg—occupied this space. I promise you that I will give you such tedious, middling details about my hospitalization… another time. Not right now though, because I’m tired and lazy. Suffice it to say I’m back and I’m fine. Fine enough, in fact, to plow through… YOUR LETTERS:

Chris:

I think we can call agree that this Super Bowl was probably the most unwatchable in history. When the game ended and the Pats won, it seemed everyone, fans and analysts, just took a collective shrug and said “Alright. Well the dynasty lives on...” But what will happen if this nightmare continues and they do it AGAIN this year? It’s almost we are entering “...and Kim Jong Un has won the election” territory. Like it’s a foregone conclusion. So if the enthusiasm for a Pats championship this year was low, what’s going to happen next year?

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Eh, it won’t be that different from having to endure it this year. Most NFL fans like me are bound for life. I’m still gonna subject myself to another season of hell even though I know how it will end. Basketbloggers will do likewise this season even though the Warriors are invincible. It’s just the cost of doing business. I’m too ingrained in my habits to sit it out like a good and normal person. I still enjoy the weekly ritual of overeating and watching my team get its jock handed over to the opposition. And I have to delude myself into believing that titles are not the end-all be-all of fandom, that there is value in that journey toward eventual failure, with all of the highs and lows that entails.

So yeah, the NFL will stay afloat no matter how many times we go through this sullen ritual of watching the Patriots kill everyone’s buzz and then Boston fans accusing haters of being BUTTHURT because bro you clearly don’t get laid bro and parroting Brady’s We’re Still Here rallying cry even though they’re six days away from a fentanyl overdose and then hearing Jim Nantz be like, “This one was ESPECIALLY difficult!” There are still eyeballs to grab and cash to be made and Proud Bros in Boston to appease, which is why you end up with so many desperate reaches like this one:

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Scintillating shit. If that is hands down THE post–Super Bowl moment, then the whole enterprise was a waste from start to finish. And yet, I will remain a sucker just like millions of others. Being a sports fan is colossally stupid. At some point, this dynasty will end and Brady and Belichick will, against all odds, finally DIE. I swear this will happen. Brady wearing all the magnetic pajamas in the world won’t prevent it. And then some new dynasty will take its place and I’ll piss and moan because it wasn’t my team. Oh, and Pats fans will still suck a cold asshole. CIRCLE OF LIFE.

Mike:

I live in Chicago and just read about the KP trade, so my question is as follows: Who is the worse run NBA Franchise: The Knicks or The Bulls?

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The Bulls are shitty right now, but they still have the Jordan years to mooch off of. And I refuse to lump them in with the fucking Knicks, a miserable organization that deliberately aims to spend every season bickering, losing, pursuing petty feuds, making horrible trades, spending beyond the means of an average team, and subjecting the world to demo tape-quality blues. Come on, now. The Knicks just traded away a fine player and will use the remaining cap money to lure someone like Kyrie Irving. They’ll either fail miserably in this endeavor or, even worse, they’ll succeed and Irving will gain 75 pounds the second he steps inside Madison Square Garden. The Bulls are shitty but sometimes that’s the cyclical nature of sports. The Knicks are downright toxic.

That said, there are a great many shitty NBA teams. There are the Warriors, and then there are a handful of teams talented enough to delude themselves into thinking they can compete with the Warriors (Houston, Milwaukee, Toronto, etc.), and then there is everyone else. You can lump your two crummy teams in with other nonentities like Orlando, Atlanta, Memphis, and such and such. They’re all different shades of the same diarrhea. And the Wizards are diarrhea with sparkle glue mixed in.

Every year, the NBA offers paying customers at least two dozen teams that are absolute dreck. They’re ALL the worst-run joints. The Knicks will always float among that dreck, but I see no reason why the Bulls can’t luck into contender status for five minutes before somehow throwing it all away. I’d say the Knicks are easily the worse run of the two, but in the end it hardly matters. The Warriors were once pathetic too. Sometimes luck finds you, unless you’re James Dolan. If you’re James Dolan, you earn your fucking misery.

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Hasan:

Which current NFL great are you least looking forward to eventually retiring and joining a broadcast booth?

I’m already on the record saying Drew Brees will graduate from the league to immediately become yet another replaceable talking head on NFL Countdown. “See now, if I’m the Seahawks, I wanna know which young players on this defense are going to STEP UP.” Brees will make millions spewing nonsense like that. I’ve heard Drew Brees talk. The next interesting thing he says will be the first. He’s the perfect bore for the job. It’s gonna suck.

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I say that even though I already know that Jerry Jones forces networks to hire anyone he takes a shine to. If he ever fires Jason Garrett, I promise you that Garrett will get a color man job as a sympathetic golden parachute from the Double J. That way, he can search for a new future ex-coach while still pretending he’s a Good Man by taking care of Garrett on the back end.

You think broadcast booths are already littered with ham-brained ex-Cowboys now? Just wait. Soon EVERY telecast will feature some thick-fingered steakhead who used to play for Dallas, and that guy will be much closer to Jason Witten in broadcast chops than Tony Romo. That’s the power Jerry wields. I had to spend the entire postseason watching some lousy Pepsi ad where, despite being the Official Flat Poison Cola Of The NFL, Jerry still presumably muscled ad execs into leaving the star off the Cowboys helmets, all because I bet he didn’t get enough action on the deal and because the ad ends with the Cowboys losing a game to Ron Rivera.

Drew (not me):

So my girlfriend keeps smoking weed and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. When we started dating over a year ago she said she thought weed was gross, so I just figured it’d be like that forever. But for the past month or so, she’s scheduled nights around smoking weed with her two or three friends that are stoners (she has more than two or three friends; I meant that only a few are stoners). She sort of becomes a lethargic asshole and every time she ends up changing her (or our) prearranged plans for things like dinner dates so she can get high off one grav and order two large pizzas. At what point do I say something? Am I an asshat?

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You’re not an asshat. If you feel like it’s a real problem between you and Lady Seth Rogen, then it’s a real problem. In order for a long-term relationship to work, you gotta be able to say what’s on your mind. And it’s usually best to say it EARLY, before it metastasizes into an even larger war. You have to trust that she’ll actually care about your concerns and not more focused on indulging her whims whenever she feels like it. If the latter is the case, you have issues that go well beyond just the dope. And I say that even though I am firmly pro-weed.

Being in a relationship means that you should both be mutually and equally dedicated to making each other happy, which results in even MORE happiness. If that agreement is lacking on one side or another, you gotta work that shit out. And if your lady is a prick when she gets high, either she needs to buy better shit or there’s an underlying problem that the drugs bring out, as any addict will tell you.

Eh, it’s probably the weed that’s bad. Just find the lady some proper, stanky buds.

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Tom:

I have no idea why this irks me, but I have a huge problem with the decline in quality of score bugs. Specifically, how they look in general. In regards to how they looked in previous years.

You’re just gonna have to get used to it because they’re not gonna improve the bugs or keep them the same. They change the score bug every year, even though the original FOXBOX from the ‘90s remains the best scoring bug of all time, and they do it mainly to keep graphics teams busy and productive. A change in a scoring bug is like a change in website design, where you should normally be outraged for seven seconds before getting used to it. If I tune into old games on ESPN Classic and see a scoring bug that’s even just a couple years old, it makes the game look ANCIENT.

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For everyone else, it’s a needless exercise. Even though I’m not as worked up about it as you, I would prefer it if networks just pick a bug and stick with it. But they won’t because they want more shit littering the screen every year. In a few years, everything will switch. The game will be the size of the bug on your TV, and the bug will be the size of the game. And Cole Beasley will be the analyst.

Matt:

I had this horrible premonition now that Tom Brady has won his sixth Super Bowl. After he retires, he’s going to become some kind of jock L Ron Hubbard and TB12 will become a sick pseudo-religion. However unlike Scientology, which was founded by a D-grade science fiction writing child molester, it’ll have the “greatest quarterback of all time” boosting it. A ton of idiots are going to get duped into it. It’s going to be fucking awful. You won’t be able to go into a mall in the United States without some asshole in a pure white smock approach you, asking about your hydration and muscle pliability.

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Brady has already laid out this path by pimping TB12 at every turn and telling the world he’s immune to head injuries. So yes, he’ll keep selling his quackery after he retires 28 years from now. HOWEVER, even though he’ll get plenty of coverage for his snake oil cures, I actually don’t think people will give a shit. Boston sports fans aren’t exactly health nuts. Once Brady is off the Patriots, they’ll finally be free to disown him and call him an L.A. pansy like they’ve always wanted to, and then they’ll find something new to complain about.

The rest of us will be too busy enjoying a Brady-free NFL to give a shit. When I was a kid, Joe Montana was easily the GOAT. Then he retired and got a studio gig and people quickly realized that he was a bore. His on-the-field glories were of no help. Brady could “suffer” a similar fate, because he’s an inane dipshit who’s about as charming as Russell Wilson is when the helmet comes off. People are fickle. I for one look forward to watching Brady struggle to keep himself relevant, eventually fucking off to play golf with billionaires and trade farts with fellow washed-up celebrities.

Also, his products won’t matter to anyone because he and Edelman will be too busy testifying in front of Congress about all the HGH they took.

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[ducks]

HALFTIME!

Branden:

My sister is getting married. Her fiancée is having a bachelor party. He’s a good guy, but we literally have nothing in common besides my sister. I’m not friends with his friends. I’d have to miss a day of work. Am I obliged to go?

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You are not. Chances are, he probably doesn’t even want you to go. Best to just concoct an excuse, thank him for the invite, and then sit around and do nothing. Everybody wins?

Going to a bachelor party and not knowing anyone only makes the whole affair darker and sadder. Like, do you really want to sit around with half-acquaintances at a strip club, and do you want to potentially spend thousands of dollars traveling for the privilege? Do you wanna get left abandoned and alone on the floor of Caesar’s because everyone is too drunk and lazy to make the surprisingly irritating effort of keeping an ersatz wolfpack together? Probably not. You can keep your distance from the affair without being rude. You have a limited role to play as future brother-in-law, and I don’t think anyone is gonna squabble about it…

UNLESS your sister makes you go. If she says you gotta do it, well then I hope you enjoy overpaying to eat at a steakhouse.

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Andrew:

What’s going to be the weirdest Obama story that finally comes out decades from now?

Nothing. You’ve lived through two goddamn years of Trump being President. What on Earth could come out about Obama that would seem “weird” now, knowing everything you know about our current fearful leader? Maybe Chuck Todd will clutch his tie because a biographer reveals that Obama likes baby carrots, but the rest of us will already be too dead from a hydrogen missile blast to care. Chuck will need to hear both sides of that “Should we all die in a nuclear holocaust?” argument.

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Also, even though I like Obama (not enough to be some thirsty Twitter guy who cries out MISS YOU anytime Obama and his wife are photographed holding hands at a fundraiser), I know full well that he is a political animal, and has been for a long time. Yeah he smoked dope and all that back in his college days. But even though he became President at a relatively young age, Obama was so well practiced in the art of Being Barack Obama that I doubt he sheds that guise very often, if at all. He was and is a gifted politician for a reason.

Obama may occasionally “break” character by watching basketball or cursing or slow jamming the news on Jimmy Fallon’s Pictionary Tonight, but all of those little quirks remain within the scope of him still presenting himself as a Good And Moral Man. None of that will be as weird as the current President deliberately staring into the fucking sun.

Michael:

Of all the athlete endorsements, what are the most believable? From Shaq and Gold Bond to Gronk and Tide Pods, who actually uses their advertised product?

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Gatorade! Athletes drink lots of Gatorade because it’s free and because it tastes good and because they burn 30,000 calories a day, which means draining a bottle of Gatorade won’t make them fat the way it makes every other American fat and diabetic. That shit is poison, and UF owes us financial compensation for the damage it has done in pioneering the idea of fructose-enhanced seawater being a sports drink. Even Tom Brady is aghast.

Besides that, I would tell you most athletes use products they endorse if those products are closely involved in their gameplay: drinks, apparel, shoes, equipment, etc. Many of these athletes have no choice but to use that shit due to contractual obligations, and I don’t think LeBron is gonna quibble much about having to wear a Nike shoe that HE designed. Better then Tiger or whoever pretending like they drive a Buick. Equipment endorsements mean the most, says I: Drew Rovell.

Mark:

What food for a chef has the greatest profit to work ratio? I say oysters. Shuck, serve, and boom that’ll be 48 bucks for 6.

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Ever try to shuck an oyster? You’re in for a surprise, amigo. Oysters are expensive on restaurant menus, but they also cost a lot for those same restaurants to buy, and they probably have to buy a special death-and-dismemberment plan in case the raw bar guru—employed almost solely for the shucking job—opens up his cephalic vein because the knife slipped. My dad once cut himself trying to open an oyster, and he screamed so loud that we all went running into the kitchen because we thought he had been shot. He was fine. Magarys, like me, tend to be melodramatic about such things.

I also went to a New Year’s party at a friend’s apartment years ago and he bought a shitload of oysters and shucked them himself. This was awesome, but I absolutely kept an eye on him all night to make sure he didn’t go OOPSIE DAISY and amputate a finger. He had a chainmail glove to keep his arm safe. Looked like half a Game of Thrones character. The oysters were terrific.

That’s a very long and needless way of getting to my formal answer, which is vegetables. Vegetables make restaurants a shitload of profit. If you own a vegetarian restaurant, you are a billionaire. That’s a true fact you should spread around. My wife orders a salad every time we go out and it drives me nuts because I’m clearly paying $11 for something that was prepped and stuck into a walk-in at 7 a.m. that morning.

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Produce is still cheaper than meat, and restaurants can sell it at a bigass markup. They use every part of the veggie, too. Here’s an excerpt from Bill Buford’s Heat book, which I highly recommend. At one point, Buford is working in Mario Batali’s kitchen (before Batali was formally exposed as a true shitbag) when he tries throwing out scraps of celery. Batali roots around in the garbage, finds the scraps, and this happens…

So there you go. Not only is Batali an accused sexual predator, he also made people eat shit that was in the garbage. Swell guy!

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Eric:

Do you think Donald Trump gets colonoscopies?

No because Trump never goes to the doctor unless forced to. This is because he’s lazy and because he’s an aggro shithead who thinks he knows better than doctors and doesn’t trust modern medicine (remember, Trump has thrown down anti-vaxxer takes). Most important, Trump is a phony macho dipshit who definitely rules out any and all butt stuff. He’s probably like EWWW A CAMERA UP MY BUTT THAT WOULD MAKE ME GAY. Again, it’s amazing that he’s alive. Why is he alive? There are superfood addicts out there drinking almond shakes who will die at a far younger age than this soda dumpster of a President. The world is unfair.

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Personally, I am about three years away from having to get a colonoscopy of my own. This is because the procedure can save lives, and everyone should get a camera up the ass when doctors recommend it. Will I enjoy this procedure? Reader, I will not. And that’s not because of some cheap gay panic, but because having doctors take a journey up your ass is VERY uncomfortable. I’ve had Dr. Jellyfinger give me a prostate exam before and trust me, it’s not fun to have someone jabbing at your bladder from inside your body. I was this close to busting out “Moon River,” because that would be funny and original and I’m sure no urologist has ever heard a patient do it.

So no, Trump does not get anal probes. It’s too bad because if you looked up there you’d probably find a dozen McNuggets, all intact.

Steve:

Why is every guy in every single commercial named “Steve”? It’s seriously become somewhat out of control now and it flummoxes me because -3 babies were named Stephen/Steven/Steve over the last nineteen years.

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It’s because they’re talking to YOU, Steve. All the ads on my TV have characters named Drew! WHAT IS GOING ON?! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?! In all seriousness, it appears that you are, by dint of bad fortune, the default character name for commercial situations. If I have to think up a fictional name, I always start out with old fashioned ones like Bob, and Dave, and Steve. Those are the names that I, a lazy man, have immediately on hand. Children’s book names.

Here is a story I’ve told before and will tell here once more: when I was in high school, one of my close friends was a Steve. One time, this new student comes up to us and he says, “Pardon me Steve, I’m wondering if you’re familiar with the term ‘queef’?” So whenever I hear the name Steve now, I think of queefing. You are welcome. We told him what it means.

Anyway, the reason so many ads have a Steve in them is because writers go blank when it comes to cooking up a name, throw in the first placeholder name that comes to mind, and no one cares enough to correct it because they’re all too focused on pulling off a timely Lil Jon reference. This is a shame because character names are important. You can tell J.K. Rowling put real thought and care into hers. Meanwhile, John Grisham thinks up character names by staring at the kitchen table. “This young lawyer’s name will be Michael Sugar!”

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Email of the week!

Steve (I swear!):

So the other day, I was thirsty as hell but had to get my 2-year-old daughter bathed and dressed upstairs, so I wasn’t able to run downstairs and get a bottled water. I grabbed one of the handful of completely empty water bottles by my bed, brought it to the bathroom, and filled it up in the sink while my daughter played in the bath. Everything is going fine as I’m sipping my newly filled water bottle, until I get to the very last sip. There was only a little left, so I sort of just dumped it into my mouth, and immediately (thankfully before swallowing), noticed what felt like small clumps of plastic in my mouth. It only took me a split second to realize, to my horror, what it was. The night before, I had clipped my toe nails and in an effort to avoid my wife cursing me for throwing toe nail clippings all over the floor next to our bed, I dumped all my thick, overgrown clippings into the first thing I found next to my bed: an empty water bottle. Anyway, I spit the toe nail clippings out into the sink, and tried my very best not to vomit up all the water I just drank. I still haven’t told anyone this story, not even my wife. It still makes me gag.

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You and me both, kiddo.