Image: Sam Woolley (GMG)
FunbagTime for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? [Email the Funbag](mailto:funbag.deadspin@gmail.com).   

Today, we’re talking about Drew Brees, water bottles, cake donuts, and more.

Before we get into the Funbag, I would just like to alert you to the fact that the Kindle edition of The Hike is on sale over at Amazon for two measly bucks right now. Fucking Bezos lowballing the talent once again. He’s got some nerve. Anyway, buy it and I’ll try to finish off the next book for you as soon as I can.

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Your letters:

Jeff:

I’ve had it with unfunny people thinking they are clever by replying to every single Tweet with some stupid GIF. Do we really need to see the “white guy blinking” GIF one more time?

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We do not, but that’s the world you and I live in. There is an effectively infinite number of reaction GIFs to choose from, but all those choices actually compel the average person to shut down and just post the same awful GIFs that every other asshole uses. After all, you’re replying to some utterly disposable tweet. You need to reply quickly, so you can’t afford to go too deep down the GIFhole. And if you put too much thought into it, the moment to reply will have passed, and people will already be using the blinking guy to reply to some NEW piece of horrible news. I would tell you to eschew replying to any of these tweets whatsoever, but I’m just as needy and attention-starved as the lot of you. I know that kind of advice isn’t practical. I GOTTA BE FIRST.

GIFs like the blinking guy and Jonah Hill going NAH are internet comfort food at this point. They are Twitter meatloaf, for when you’re too tired and overwhelmed to get into fancier forms of Twittering. This reaction to the tyranny of choice is very common, and applies to all forms of modern culture. Yes, I could invest my time in some new prestige TV series. Ah, but what if I just watched an old-ass episode of the Simpsons instead? Did you know there are young people out there who watch Friends, somehow? Friends SUCKED, and yet people will still watch it on Netflix because it’s not burdensome in the way other shows and cinematic universes can be. There’s no need to invest when you watch Friends.

This is also why Hollywood remakes the same shit over and over. It’s not because the studios are lazy, or not only because of that. It’s because the audiences are lazy, too. Experiencing something completely new takes extra attention and effort and my god, aren’t you so TIRED these days? Every fucking day is an assault, so it’s no wonder that people like me prefer to unwind by watching a seventh Joker origin story reboot. “In this one, The Joker is a disgruntled funny-car mechanic!” They’re gonna start rebooting GIFs soon. There are infinite images in the universe but the Internet will quickly settle for a rebooted GIF of the Meryl Streep clapping GIF, starring Kevin Hart.

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The depth and breadth of pop culture has become so intimidating that I tend to pass on ALL of it and retreat to shit I already like. This is also known as “getting old,” but I prefer to frame my inevitable transformation into an old fart as a broader sociological trend brought on by the terrifying scope of modern technology. The latter is CLEARLY the reason I listen to “Body Talk” by Ratt when I’m stoned off my balls.

Slavo:

Drew Brees is GOAT, not Tom Brady. Tell me why I am wrong.

Well, because of the rings. I’m not above deploying that take when it suits the argument. When you win eight AFC titles and five Super Bowls, you have the right to pad your résumé accordingly. That’s too large a sample size to dismiss. I fucking hate the Patriots and hope they get sucked up in a tornado and carried away to fucking Oz, but even I will readily admit that Tom Brady didn’t luck his way into those titles.

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But here’s the important thing: It doesn’t MATTER if Drew Brees is the GOAT or not. It doesn’t matter at all. People get all worked up over stupid barroom GOAT arguments, but you miss out on an awful lot of good shit when you’re wasting time debating LeBron vs. MJ for the millionth time. Drew Brees is Drew Brees, and that’s enough.

I’m not even gonna break it down into some micro-GOAT argument so that Brees gets to be the all-time best at some very specific quarterbacking skill (his command of the two-minute drill springs to mind), because that does a disservice to what an awesome, COMPLETE player he has been. The man can turn any otherwise lifeless football game into a 50-49 shootout, and he can rack up 5,000 yards passing in a season with your fucking auntie playing wideout if he had to. Drew Brees is FUN. Even when he plays poorly, he makes sure to commit at least two wildly entertaining turnovers in the effort. That’s how much he cares about YOU, the viewer at home. We don’t need to crown everyone to appreciate them properly. Anyone who hates watching Drew Brees play hates football, and that goes for any dipshit Atlanta fan still trying to make their rivalry with New Orleans a thing.

Peter:

Drew Brees broke the all-time passing yardage record tonight, and the talking heads were all on about what a great dude he is, couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, etc. And by all accounts Brees IS a pretty good guy. But what if some dickhole and/or piece of shit like Jameis Winston or Big Ben broke the record? Would he still get all the fanfare? Would the pundits be all GREAT GUY FAMILY MAN LOVES HIS COMMUNITY?

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You saw Big Ben celebrate two Super Bowls, yes? And you watched Jameis win a national title two months after sexual assault allegations against him surfaced. AND you saw Ray Lewis’s entire career. You know how the drill goes by now. You could go on a nine-state killing spree, and the NFL would still have a warm and tidy narrative waiting for you once you come back to the field and do some wins. Disgraces are mere distractions. Jim Nantz wouldn’t DARE speak a word about the bloody trail of carnage you left behind. It simply wouldn’t be the time or the place for such unpleasantries.

Anyway, you don’t REALLY know Drew Brees. You think you know him because you see him on TV a lot, and because doesn’t project any kind of outward dickishness. But he’s also a snake oil salesman and a shameless brandbot, so I have no idea if he’s truly a decent man or not, and neither do you. You could also do a nine-part documentary on his mysterious estrangement from his late mother. “No one knows anybody. Not that well.” I like Drew Brees as a football player and, like I said before, that’s plenty. Unless you say something mean about cops, you will always get your lifetime achievement award from the NFL.

By the way, I wish the NFL had staged a full office party out on the field, with a cake and a big card signed by all the players and coaches and custodial staff and what not. They already gave Brees a laminated Good Passering certificate, so they may as well have gone all the way with the obligatory conference room festivities. Tack up a single CONGRATULATIONS banner on one wall of the Superdome and then leave half the cake uneaten for office vultures to swoop in after the party’s over.

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Andy:

I just realized that almost every night I go to bed looking at a screen. I’m either dicking around on my phone, like I am right now, or watching TV in my dad chair downstairs. Am I totally fucking my brain up for good?

Yeah, probably. You can find roughly four billion studies that prove sleep quality is adversely affected by viewing screens right before bedtime. The reasons are obvious: the light is too bright and the images hype up your brain right when it needs to chill the fuck out to get ready for beddy bye. That’s why you gotta turn off your phone before bed and read for a little bit. Reading is the greatest, healthiest sleep aid ever devised by mankind, and nothing will ever improve upon it. My wife gave me some melatonin to sleep once and it made me feel like I was swirling down a toilet. Never again. No drug or supplement can substitute for a really long, turgid history book. I like to cozy up in my TB12 magic jammies and crack open a volume of Robert Caro, and then I fall asleep after four sentences.

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Matt:

Is it just me, or are Dean Blandino and Gene Steratore completely unnecessary in the middle of a Fox or CBS broadcast? I understand why the league needs rules analysts, but the broadcast doesn’t.

I actually don’t mind them intruding upon the broadcast. Remember: the more Mike Pereira gets to talk, the less Troy Aikman gets to talk. That’s a net profit for everyone involved. I also derived great satisfaction from Mike Carey doing CBS games and getting literally every call wrong. It confirmed all of my worst suspicions about NFL officials, and for that I am grateful.

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Blandino is a cheesy dipshit and I haven’t heard enough of Steratore to give an opinion, but I’m otherwise fine with every network aping the Pereira hire and having some blind old fart attempt (and fail) to explain the rules on the air. I don’t think trying to relay all that information to the color guy is very productive. You’d end up with Gary Danielson shouting out PURPLE MONKEY DISHWASHER during some SEC blowout.

HALFTIME!

Wade:

What’s your opinion in your household on half-empty water bottles? Do you dump the rest in the sink, or do you do what I do and take three half-filled ones and top one of them off? When I host a party though and afterwards there are 35 half used bottles, that shit is going in the sink or watering my grass when they are outside. I have some sort of OCD though when it comes to this, don’t wanting to waste it even though a case of water is like three bucks.

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Yeah I only save water bottle water if it’s a blood relative’s water. I’m not risking contracting Stage-7 Norobola by sipping from some filthy seventh grader’s wounded soldier. No thank you. That shit is going right down the drain.

Frankly, you shouldn’t even offer bottled water to people anyway. You know that big climate report that came out that said we only have 22 years left to live? Well, the reason we’re all gonna die is because the Birthday Party Industrial Complex convinced parents that you must buy a 244-pack of Kirkland distilled water for every birthday party. I cannot begin to count the number of times I have wrenched my back getting a shrink-wrapped pallet of water out of the trunk of my car. I’m shocked the Saints didn’t pass around a bunch of Dasani when Brees broke the record.

Please note that I am not suggesting that you bring sports bottles to a birthday party instead. You already know my position on sports bottles. Sports bottles are a goddamn scourge. My wife made me pack sports bottles for a trip to the goddamn grocery store the other day. I was livid. I am against ALL water bottles, disposable or otherwise. Paper cups and water fountains are all you need. Next time we have a birthday party and some coddled kid gets thirsty, I’m gonna have them drink from a hose.

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Don:

Are people who work from home more or less productive than people who work in an office setting?

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Probably less, but really: who IS productive anymore? No one does fucking anything. The new iOS update measures your daily phone usage and I will NEVER download it because I already know I waste 90 percent of my time on that thing, just like everyone else. When I worked in an office, I fucked around. Now I work at home, and guess what? I fuck around. LAZINESS FINDS A WAY. I’m surprised Americans even get dressed in the morning anymore.

In all seriousness though, people have their own best practices when it comes to getting their work done. Some people thrive in a home office. Other people (me) go fridge hunting every 12 seconds and then go sit on the toilet for 30 minutes to scroll through Twitter. All that should matter to a boss is that you get your shit done, and a shitty boss is one who doesn’t trust you to do it. I’ve met people who stay at work for hours on end and do absolutely nothing. Being present is overrated, in my opinion. It’s almost always just for show. NFL coaching staffs are in near constant competition to see who can eat the most tape and who can punch out at the most unreasonable hour. And yet, Jason Garrett will still manage to punt in enemy territory in overtime. I don’t think burning the midnight oil over in Frisco is helping that guy much.

Christopher:

Okay hypothetical: World Series Game 7, bottom of the 9th in a tie game, bases loaded, and the pitcher cranks the hitter in the head with a fastball. Game over, World Champs! But it’s clear the batter is badly hurt. Do players celebrate? I can’t decide if the first instinct is “Holy shit we won!” or “Oh shit he got beaned in the head!”

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I think it would probably be a mix. Everyone would pour out of the dugout, for sure. And they’d probably to that thing where they all jump into a pile and dry hump each other for a bit. But if it became clear that J.D. Martinez (I’m gonna make our hypothetical batter J.D. Martinez) suffered a fractured skull and is in severe danger of cranial bleeding, I think the crowd would grow hushed and players would take a knee and Joe Buck would go “You hate to see this” and then everyone would wait until Martinez was wheeled out on a gurney before dutifully resuming the celebration and busting out the big upside-down hotel chandelier World Series Trophy. And then Boston fans would send death threats to the offending pitcher for ruining their moment. And then 20 years later Bill Simmons would tweet “HATE THIS DAY. YOU KNOW WHY.”

Jake:

Is it acceptable to use the same costume multiple times in the same Halloween season? I have a few parties to attend and I don’t want to shell out money for 2-3 costumes.

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Fuck yeah, it’s acceptable. Are there people who cycle through MULTIPLE Halloween costumes in a single season? That’s insane. Only Louise Linton can afford such frivolities. I’ll gladly re-use a costume over the course of YEARS. Have you seen the prices at Spirit Halloween? I’m not shelling out $80 for a Sexy Harvey Weinstein costume only to wear it ONCE. I’m gonna wear that shit out. I’m gonna wear it to the damn gym. I will get as much mileage out of my horrible taste as I can.

David:

Why the hell are cake donuts still a thing? They have the texture of petrified dog doo-doo (probably), and I would go so far as to say that a plain unglazed fried donut is better than any dressed up cake donut. Chef Magary, explain please.

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I think you are eating BAD cake donuts. One of the best things I ate all year was a warm sour cream donut off the Krispy Kreme glazing rack, so I understand the appeal of a cake-like donut when it’s A) Hot and B) Fresh C) Glazed with goodness. If it’s some cold and undressed donut from a grocery store, forget it. It’s worthless. It’s an unfrosted cupcake, as far as I’m concerned. You have to dunk that thing in coffee or tea to resuscitate any flavor out of it. Plain cake is as useless to me as cold pie, and I won’t apologize for that take. It is the chicken breast of desserts. But when the cake donut is hot and fresh and has maple frosting? Whole other thing.

Jason:

If you could accurately - talking within a 5-8 yard radius from a given landing spot - drive a golf ball up to 450 yards 90% of the time but are otherwise roughly a bogey golfer with the occasional par, what are the chances you could compete on the PGA tour? Even though tour greens are one step removed from concrete, I feel like the benefit of chipping for eagle most holes would even the playing field. Am I delusional?

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Alas, you are. If you can’t putt, it doesn’t matter how far you can smack the ball. Mike Austin held the record for the longest drive in a tournament (515 yards). Mike Austin also had $84 in career PGA earnings. In all of sports, putting is the thing that looks the easiest but is actually the most difficult. It SHOULD be easy, which is why it’s so enraging when you blow it. All you gotta do is tap a fucking ball with a stick. You don’t even have to worry about a crowd messing with you.

And yet, it’s agony. Ever play mini golf? Your mind goes through a dozen different calculations during the backswing, all so you can get the ball into a cartoon beaver’s asshole. And that’s without any money on the line! Putting should not be this mentally exhausting. I feel stupid agonizing over a putt, and yet I can’t help myself.

So you can drive the ball a mile and it won’t matter. They already hold longball competitions specifically for golfers who can boom it but can’t putt or chip for jack shit. You’d fit right in with that gallery of boozers and fat boys.

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Jason (a different one):

Has ranch dressing officially surpassed ketchup as the number one condiment in America for french fries?

What? No. Fuck that. Who is dipping their fries in ranch? Show me these people and I’ll have them lashed. Are people really doing this?

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GAHHHHHHH THEY ARE. This is why God wants us dead!

Email of the week!

Dave:

My wife was giving our 4 and 2 year old boys a bath tonight. I walked in with a Paw Patrol beach towel to start the drying process. The towel features each of the Paw Patrol dogs playing on the beach with a frisbee or something. When the 4 year old sees the towel it immediately starts a conversation.

“Mommy is Skye! My Brother is Rubble! I’m Chase!”

Foolishly I took the bait and asked, “who is Daddy?” He instantly replies, “Daddy is the sand!” and laughed maniacally for 30 seconds straight while I left the room, soundly defeated. I eat at least 2 or 3 of these burns everyday. I don’t really have a question, I just felt like sharing.

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Savagery. Just pure savagery.