Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering bananas, car music, the wave, and more.
Everyone knows burrito bowls are better, right?
You’re out of line, sir. The only reason to order a burrito bowl is because you’re on a low-carb diet or in the middle of a job interview. It’s the practical choice but not the tastier one. Otherwise, who says no to a 500-calorie, white flour tortilla? Crazy people, that’s who.
Fear of carbohydrates has allowed BIG BOWL to monopolize the American lunch. “Mmmmm I love this bowl of GRAINS. GRAINS are so good, you guys.” Fuck that. Everyone has deluded themselves into thinking a burrito bowl is “healthy” even though one from Chipotle could still serve a family of eight. And not only that, they’ve actually been brainwashed into thinking it’s “better” than the classic, unimpeachable burrito. It’s like when people tell you that brown rice tastes better than white rice. LIES. ALL LIES.
Here’s what I think: I think that restaurants should offer small burritos, as an alternative to ones that are the size of tanker trucks. They won’t do this, because it will eat into their profit margins and slow down their plans to spread e. coli to every man, woman, and child. But if burritos were just a bit smaller, I could order one for lunch and not feel bad about shitting out a baby at 2pm that day. That is the legitimate healthy alternative, instead of bullshitting yourself into thinking it’s better out of a recycled newspaper bowl.
Let’s say the Yankees are on a road trip in the middle of a massive, nuclear attack. The attack leaves the entirety of NYC and the surrounding areas completely flattened. Ignoring the immediate political/military response, how long before the Yankees play their next game? How about their next home game? As you said, the Yankees will exist as long as NYC does. But what if NYC ceases to exist?
Assuming that such a strike wouldn’t set off a full-scale retaliation and nuclear holocaust, the Yankees would keep going. First of all, any time something is destroyed, the first instinct is to build it all back up again: New Orleans, downtown New York, etc. So even if the radiation fallout leaves Manhattan uninhabitable, survivors would still want to “rebuild” New York City, preferably somewhere warmer and rat-free. As part of that rebuild, people would try to preserve and recreate everything they loved about the city, the Yankees included. So the Yankees would persevere, playing “home games” in Philly or somewhere else until their new, antiseptic, $3 billion stadium was erected in New York 2.0. Other teams would welcome them in as next of kin. Neighbors would open their doors to them. They would be fiercely protected as a living, continuing remnant of New York history.
Now, I say all of this knowing that the Yankees are fucking Satan, and that would remain true in the event of New York City’s extinction. These fuckers always find a way to exploit and commercialize nostalgia, so I promise you that they would charge double for Philly home games, ban outside food, force you to buy a commemorative bomb shelter plaque during the seventh-inning stretch, and gradually destroy any good will resulting from the attack. That’s what the Yankees do. And then you would hope and pray for a SECOND bomb to hit their stadium, this time during a homestand.
If BIG PRODUCE found a way to clone the perfect bundle of bananas, say a dozen or so, how long would it take for the world to find out that all bananas in grocery circulation were clones?? Say each bundle you buy from the store was made up of random clone bananas of the 12, but never two of the same ones side by side. I think it could take years to uncover (the perfect crime IMO).
So the clones are always mixed up so that the bunches are aren’t all identical? It would take a while. If every bunch looked exactly the same, then I would arch an eyebrow. But otherwise, forget it. I wouldn’t notice. You would need some banana analytics NERD to discover the horrible truth, or you would need a fussy old lady who recognizes the scam and demands answers from those in power.
I’m only a little bit fussy about banana bunches. Like, I scan the aisle for a bunch that isn’t too green, but also isn’t too ripe. And they have to be modestly sized, as well. No one needs a 10-inch, Lexington Steele banana. That’s too much banana. So at some point, an angry old lady would write 80 letters to her congressman asking what the deal is with the bananas, and then executives at Chiquita would be caught red-handed. There will be no samba dancing their way out of this one.
What if you knew everything, literally everything? People would hate you, right? Because you would be the ultimate know-it-all. If word got out, surely every government agency would hunt you down and kill you. Would you even say anything or just stay quiet?
If you knew everything, your brain would break. You wouldn’t just be some dipshit Jeopardy! contestant. You would have such an elevated consciousness that would be beyond human interaction. How could you talk to anyone knowing that there are lethal microbes crawling around all over them, or knowing that a radioactive tsunami is due to hit in less than 37 hours, or knowing that they just masturbated? It would paralyze you.
They’d probably lock you up in a loony bin because you’d be so terrified of what you knew, and because you could move shit with your mind. You would be a danger to yourself and to society at large. Personally, I already know too much. I’ve seen the Goatse picture. I can barely function as is. I wouldn’t be able to walk the earth knowing that Jim Henson plotted 9/11 prior to his death, or that the Vatican makes its money selling black market child snuff tapes, or that my wife is secretly horrified by my stray buttcrack hairs. There is so much you and I don’t know, and that’s for the best.
By the way, if this idea isn’t a shitty NBC show yet, it will be. COMING UP NEXT… AN ALL NEW CHICAGO NERD.
I was stopped at a traffic light yesterday and a car pulled up next to me blasting “Free Bird” out of its’ open windows. Made me wonder what the most “sharing my music with the world from my car” song of all time was. Classic rock like Zeppelin or Queen that’s been around forever, or something newer like Beyonce or Bieber that all these young-ins are listening to?
Did I recreate that scene fifty times when I was a teenager? You know I did. I’m highly impressionable. Anyway, “Free Bird” is also a great candidate, as are these:
- “Born in the USA”: There’s nothing a Springsteen fan loves more than announcing to the world that they love Springsteen. Plus, if you’re an idiot, you will also blare this from your car to let people know that you love America. That’s a key fact about you that needs to be disseminated.
- “Nothin’ But A G Thang”: The video has cars in it. You have your orders. By the way, I assume that hip hop has already overtaken rock for “genre most frequently blasted out of cars.” The odds of you encountering another car testing out its bass system with a hip hop song at a stoplight is easily 50%. “LISTEN TO HOW LOUD IT THUMPS!”
- “Fun Fun Fun”: Back in the early 60s they only played four songs on the radio in a continuous loop. Also, it’s clear that the Beach Boys were the group of choice back then for blonde guys named Chad who spent the entirety of that decade waxing their cars and sexually assaulting their dates.
- “Hey Ya”: There’s a whole separate list of “songs people dance poorly to while seated in a car,” and this song is probably #1 on that list.
- “I Can’t Drive 55”. TAKE MY LICENSE AND ALL THAT JIVE.
My personal #1 is probably “Kickstart My Heart,” because blasting it out the window lets people know that I, a suburban father of three driving a minivan, am actually an adrenaline junkie.
My friends and I have had a lifelong argument about if a group of fans could do the wave at 100 mph. I’ve never been to a NASCAR race but I’m assuming it’s not a complete guess as to when the car is going to be somewhat in front of you. Google told me Tony Stewart went 200 mph once. Could a group of people stand up and put their hands in the air while a car was going half of that speed to make it appear as though a wave was going 100 mph?
Are any of these people drunk? Because you always get those drunk fans who stand up a beat too late and ruin the whole fucking thing. Anyway, I don’t think that you could train the crowd to hit 100mph simply by having them follow a speeding car, because reaction times would vary. Personally, I would come in ten seconds after the thing has already blown by. You would have to drill the crowd with marching band-like precision. It would take months to nail it, but I think it could be done.
By the way, here’s a smoking hot take: doing The Wave is fine. Every diehard sports fan looks down on The Wave like it’s exclusively the domain of casual imbeciles, and I don’t really know why. You stand up, and then you sit back down, and it looks kinda cool. BFD. Everyone should lighten the fuck up. I’m for anything that draws more attention to me, the drunken fan in the stands, from the action on the field.
If you were to be locked in a Publix or similar average-sized grocery store, would there be enough food in there to last you the rest of your life? Obviously, the food would spoil, but this is a special Publix where food never spoils or expires. I am 30 years old and we will assume I live to 75. Is there 45 years worth of food for one person in an average grocery store?
The average American eats a literal ton of food per year, which means your enchanted grocery store would need 40 tons of food on hand to feed you for life. Judging by how heavy a bag of soup cans is when I take it out of the car, I think it’s safe to assume that a single Publix can hit that number. Why are the groceries always so goddamn heavy? I wince every time my wife puts half a watermelon on the shopping list.
Anyway, you could probably spend a calendar year pillaging only the cookie section, and what a year that would be. The toilet in that store would begging for mercy by February.
Would a 12-foot-tall, unathletic guy be the best basketball player of all time?
No, and I’ll tell you why. First of all, even if Bol Bol III wins eight titles, doubles the record for blocks, and scores 40 points a game, no one will want to call him the “best” player of all time because:
A) Genetically speaking, he’s a goddamn cheat.
B) Everyone would hate him because he’d make every game boring, and so they would withhold the “best” label from him out of pure spite.
C) Tall guys who play close to the basket aren’t as cool or fun as guards who can jump out of the stadium, and thus don’t get as much love.
D) If he’s twelve feet tall, his feet are probably gonna turn to oatmeal after three months as a pro.
E) Basketbloggers would be unable to compare him to their favorite jazz musician.
F) If he’s a string bean, he could get muscled out of the paint by other players who are just ACHING to elbow him in the nuts. That’s what happened with Shawn Bradley. He was taller than everyone, but people LOVED shoving his pasty ass around. Tell me you wouldn’t kick Shawn Bradley Jr. right in the shins if you had an opening.
What city is most referenced in American music? It’s got to be New Orleans right? Maybe New York? Do they just rhyme more than other cities?
I think LA is up there, because you can rhyme the “A” with lots of crap. Every time I go to LA, I get that Sheryl Crow song stuck in my head on a loop, and it makes me want to burn the city to the ground.
Also, I would put Detroit and Memphis high on the list, because they’re both music towns and because you can shout them out for cheap street cred. “Oh wow, that guy knows about Memphis! He must have lots of old Stax records in his house!” If you want people to know you’re SERIOUS about music and not some poseur fuckface from Nashville or LA, you mention Detroit by name. True bluesmen know what I mean.
I get overly excited any time I hear a song that lists out cities, like “Uptown Funk” or “The Heart of Rock n’ Roll” or whatever. If they ever shout out my town, I beam with pride. “OMG he said Minneapolis! HOLY SHIT I USED TO LIVE THERE.”
If the 2016 Fins made it to December undefeated, would the ‘72 team still celebrate when they lose in Week 15? I know Shula, for instance, is still very much affiliated with the current abomination of the franchise, but I’ll be honest, I think the guy would totally celebrate Miami blowing an undefeated season.
I think Mercury Morris and the gang would publicly root for Ryan Tannehill to pull it off and “keep it in the family,” but then quietly celebrate when he throws five picks in Week 17 to blow a shot at 16-0. And if the Fins pulled it off (remember, this is all strictly a fantasy and has no realistic shot of happening), then I think they would passive-aggressively include themselves in the news cycle. “So glad these new guys are here to share OUR record! We may have done it FIRST, but we’re so proud they’re following in our footsteps!” That’s how it would go down. They would become the overbearing mother-in-law to the new undefeated team.
What is the top “Oh, that’s today??” sporting event? I would say the Kentucky Derby, but my friend, a former track athlete, swears by the big track meets like Millrose Games and Penn Relays.
Yeah but who gives a shit about the Penn Relays? You have to CARE about the event for it to sneak up on you. I don’t even know what the Millrose Games are. Is that a rowing race? Fuck that. I’ll go with the Derby, and the Boston Marathon (which always surprises me because it’s on a Monday morning), and any major car race, because I have fucking idea when those races take place annually. They are the Jewish holidays of sporting events.
I’ll also add Wimbledon to this list because I have a vague idea of when Wimbledon takes place (Summer!), but no clear sense of when it actually begins. One day, first round scores start showing up on the ESPN ticker, and then I know that I’m thirteen days away from having to pay attention.
How would you rank the different sports commentators based on their play-by-play skill and their color commentary? For play-by-play I’ve got hockey and color commentary I say baseball.
Let’s just group play-by-play and analysts together and rank the sports by announcers:
1. Hockey. It’s not close. Every game is presided over by a play-by-play guy with auctioneer speed and a color guy with a hilarious Canuck accent. It’s perfect. You hockey fanboys out there bitching about Pierre McGuire have no idea how good you have it. I wish hockey guys did every sport.
2. Soccer. I know this site’s mission is to beat you over the head with soccer until you want to die, but soccer announcers are fucking great, so long as they are NOT American. I demand a drunken British announcer or an overly excited Spanish announcer. All of the American soccer announcers can go right to hell.
3. Pro Wrestling. This is probably too high, because there are so many shitty wrestling announcers. But at least you can count on the worst ones occasionally getting put through a table or openly insulted during some promo…
ANNOUNCER: Brady Slambone, you’re facing off against The Wild Mexican at Summer Slam!
WRESTLER: (grabs the mic, glares at announcer until he exits off camera)
4. Figure skating. They get really excited when skaters do well and really upset when they fuck up. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. I’m not immune to being sucked in by Scott Hamilton’s melodrama.
5. Baseball. I’m still scarred by the likes of Joe Morgan and Tim McCarver and Michael Kay. But when baseball announcers are good (like Vin Scully), they’re the best in the universe. (activates Lupica voice) YOU NEEDED MEL ALLEN TO TELL YOU THAT THE MICK REALLY DID HIT THAT HOME RUN. MEL MADE IT REAL.
6. Golf. It’s hard to be annoying when you’re not allowed to talk above a whisper during the entire broadcast.
7. Tennis. Whatever.
8. Boxing. Okay, now we’re getting into the real shitheap of announcing, with Jim Lampley in a gaudy tux and a drunken Larry Merchant still your go-to option for $300 million PPV fights.
9. Basketball. Why did TNT bring Reggie Miller back for Game 7 last night? Couldn’t his wife have given birth to a second, emergency twin child? That’s what America needed.
10. X Games. Apparently, ESPN has mandated that every X Games announcer sound like every possible stereotype you have about the X Games and its participants. “I’m Breckin Meyer, and joining me in the booth is ANOTHER Breckin Meyer.”
11. Football. I love football, which is why it angers me so much that all of the announcers are so fucking terrible and stupid. And I would almost certainly put them at the bottom of this list if not for…
12. MMA. Imagine if pro wrestling announcers were serious. There you go. MMA guys are the fucking worst.
I was walking into CVS today, and my friend waited in the car. As I walked by some cars, I noticed other cars had people waiting in them too. Is a pharmacy/convenience store the establishment where a friend most commonly waits in the car rather than going in as a group? Or maybe a liquor store? Gas station?
I think the gas station wins out because no one wants to linger at a gas station. I am waiting in the car as a way of forcing you to hurry up in there so that we can get the fuck back on the road. Grab our Gatorade and beef jerky and hustle back here ASAP.
Gas station beats out liquor store because, personally speaking, I never want to be left out of a beer run. What if you pick a shitty beer? What if there’s some bold new Bud Light Celer-RRR-Rita flavor that I’d like to try? What if they have gum? What if you need help carrying the beer because you bought SO MUCH OH YEAH IT’S RAGER TIME!? Shopping for booze is half the fun. I’m going in there, man. Only reason to stay in the car is because you don’t want to help pay.
When using mouthwash, do you just swig straight from the open bottle or pour into the removed cap before your mouth? Whenever I take a pull straight from the bottle, I can’t help but picture myself as a degenerate alcoholic preparing to drink Listerine to keep his midnight buzz going. That being said, my wife pours into the cap first and I find that completely absurd and unnecessary. Who’s right?
Drinking anything straight from the container is always more fun, but I’m fine with your wife using the cap because Listerine is made from sulfuric acid and I would prefer to not have a lot of it in my mouth at once. Ever take too large of a swig and then it foams up in your mouth and you think your face is gonna explode with green alcohol? No? Well, whatever man. I guess you have some semblance of self-control. COOKIE FOR YOU.
Anyway, I think you should use the cap until it gets all gross from your mouth gunk, and then switch over to swigging directly like a savage.
I’ve finally decided to propose to my girlfriend. We’ve been together for 10 years (high school sweethearts), so I obviously know her very well, including all quirks and general aesthetic preferences. Still, my question is, how the fuck do I know what engagement ring to get her?
I assure you that the bloodthirsty diamond merchants of the world are more than happy to educate you on how to shop for an engagement ring. Just walk into any jewelry store and they will have the literature ready for you, the drooling groom-to-be. They can’t wait to tell you about color, cut, carat, and clarity… holding your hand and putting you at ease as they swindle you out of two months’ salary.
And if you’re still afraid of fucking up the ring purchase, just bring your girlfriend along. If you’ve been together for ten years, you’ve probably talked about marriage already. None of this will be a big surprise, so it’s worth getting her input and then “surprising” her once you’ve made the final purchase, because the suspense should always be in WHEN you propose and not IF you’ll propose. Bring her to the jeweler, watch as the clerk compliments her fingers (“so lithe!”), take note of what kind of ring she wants, and then make her wait a couple months until you pull the trigger. Every time you go to dinner or take a hike, she’ll be like, “Oh my God, this might be it!” And then it’s NOT. And then she’ll be like, “God dammit, when is he going to ask?!” String her along. Take a knee to get her excited and then say, “Oh wow, my shoe is untied!” Drive her MAD with temptation until she doesn’t even want to marry you anymore. That’s the winning move.
Email of the week!
The only bathroom in my apartment is through the bedroom and my wife likes to go to sleep early. If I stay up hanging out in the living room and I have to piss, I go in the kitchen sink to avoid disturbing her, with the faucet running to help wash it down. Tonight I didn’t realize the drain stopper was in so after I relieved myself I had to reach into a sink of my own pisswater to pull it out. Now I kind of have to take a dump but can’t think of any palatable ideas so I’ll probably just hold it until the morning. She doesn’t know about any of this.
That’s for the best.