If it’s Christmas, it must be time to learn what America shoved inside itself. The only worthwhile holiday tradition pushes on.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and they are occasionally not for the faint of spirit. If I may offer one universally good piece of advice, it would be to make sure the base is flared.

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As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • BOBBY PIN
  • SMALL RED TOY
  • “WAS RUNNING WITH A STICK IN EAR; FELL STRIKING WALL”
  • BREAD
  • BATTERY
  • “FELL ASLEEP WITH A PENCIL POKED IN HIS RIGHT EAR, PENCIL LEAD IN EAR CANAL”
  • BROOM STRAW
  • SLIM METAL ROD
  • “STUFFED PAPER TOWEL IN EARS TO ACT AS EAR PLUGS BECAUSE ROOMMATE WAS SNORING, UNABLE TO GET IT OUT OF EAR”

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  • PUTTY
  • A BEAN
  • “GASOLINE IN LEFT EAR WHILE CHANGING FUEL FILTER”
  • PENCIL SHAVINGS
  • STEM OF A PLASTIC FLOWER
  • RAIN WATER
  • TWO STICKERS STUCK TOGETHER
  • “GOOGLY EYE INSIDE HIS RIGHT EAR, AND ANOTHER THROUGH NOSE”

Nose

  • CANDY WRAPPER
  • FUZZY ARTS AND CRAFTS BALL
  • “SHOVED PLASTIC TOY UP IN BOTH NOSTRILS”
  • GUM
  • PINK BALLOON
  • WAD OF HAIR
  • “HOLDING A BOX OF JUICY JUICE AND THE STRAW WENT UP NOSTRIL”
  • HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE PENDANT
  • “PLAYING WITH A DIME ABOVE HEAD AND LOOKED UP WITH COIN FALLING INTO NOSE”
  • “STUCK HAIRPIN INTO NOSTRIL TRYING TO CLEAR BLOOD CLOT FROM NOSEBLEED”
  • FISHTANK GRAVEL
  • FISHING LURE
  • BABY BOTTLE NIPPLE
  • ONE MAGNET IN EACH NOSTRIL

Throat

  • OPEN SAFETY PIN
  • CIGARETTE
  • “A COUPLE PIECES OF DECORATIVE GLASS FROM A VASE”
  • DIARY KEY
  • EASTER EGG
  • “SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”
  • AQUARIUM THERMOMETER
  • “SWALLOWED EARRING IN HER SLEEP THAT WAS IN MOUTH WHENSHE FELL ASLEEP”
  • SEWING NEEDLE
  • “SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”
  • ANGEL’S TRUMPET SEED PODS
  • GRITS
  • “A GOLDEN SHINY PENNY”
  • “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
  • GROW CAPSULE
  • CONFETTI
  • “FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”

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  • HOT SAUCE PACKET
  • “INJURED AFTER EATING CHARGING END OF CELL PHONE”
  • EARWIG
  • “SWALLOWED 3 PLASTIC PUSH-PINS IN A DARE AT SCHOOL, WON $15"

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Penis

  • A LITTLE SCREW
  • A SHARP TOY
  • FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY
  • PLASTIC SPOON
  • PIECE OF DOMINO
  • PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • “PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”
  • COAXIAL CABLE

Vagina

  • SCENTED SOAP
  • DEODORANT LID
  • “WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”

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  • BOTTLECAP
  • PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT
  • A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL
  • SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”

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  • A BALL
  • BIKE REFLECTOR
  • “ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”
  • HEADPHONES
  • HOT TOWEL
  • “WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”

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  • CLAY
  • CANDLESTICK
  • LOLLIPOP
  • “USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”

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  • TOY MAGIC WAND

Rectum

  • GOLF BALL
  • PEANUT BUTTER JAR
  • SPRAY BOTTLE
  • CURTAIN ROD
  • “STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”
  • TOOTHBRUSH
  • TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
  • FLOSS CONTAINER
  • MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
  • “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”

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  • SMALL WOODEN KNICK-KNACK
  • SCREWDRIVER
  • PLASTIC FORK
  • TOY MISSILE
  • PLASTIC VIBRATING DILDO, CAN NOT TURN OFF
  • “ATTEMPTED TO DISLODGE A DILDO FROM HIS ANUS USING A LETTER OPENER”
  • CIGAR TUBE TO RELIEVE HEMORRHOIDS
  • “FEELING LONELY, USED A MASCARA CONTAINER IN PLASTIC BAG, PUT IN RECTUM”
  • TIN CUP
  • HAIR BRUSH
  • “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”

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  • MARBLES
  • A LARGE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO
  • “SAT IN BATHTUB AND FELT SOMETHING GO INTO HER ANUS”
  • CAT FOOD CAN
  • BAG OF ORAL TOBACCO
  • “WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”
  • 3 AA BATTERIES
  • 2 AAA BATTERIES
  • D BATTERY
  • “PATIENT SAID I HAVE A COIN IN MY ASS FROM A MONTH AGO”

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