It’s here! It’s finally here! Every year it seems like the big day will never come, but it’s here. It’s the day to gather with your family and friends ‘round the hearth, warm beverages and sweet treats at the ready, and have a hearty chortle over the things America stuck inside itself and couldn’t remove without the help of trained medical personnel.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and none of those things belong in there.

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As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear

  • NECKLACE
  • “PLACED CRAYON IN EAR ON A DARE”
  • “WAS BORED AT SCHOOL, PUT PART OF A PEN IN EAR”
  • DRAIN PLUG
  • MATCH
  • END OF A COMB
  • “ALWAYS PUTS TOILET PAPER IN EAR WHEN SHOWERING. CAN’T REMOVE”
  • FLOAM
  • TAPIOCA BALL
  • TOY MOUSE
  • “POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”
  • LEAF
  • TAMPON
  • GOOGLY EYE
  • GLOW STICK
  • “PIECE OF GELATINOUS TOY THAT EXPANDS WITH WATER”
  • PEARL
  • PEARLS
  • CAR KEY
  • BUG
  • “PUT BLEACH ON A Q-TIP TO CLEAN EAR. CHEMICAL BURN”
  • “WAS CLEANING EAR WITH Q-TIP, ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO WALL, PUSHED Q-TIP INTO EAR”

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Nose

  • RUBBER BAND
  • BUTTERFLY
  • PAINT
  • PINK VITAMIN
  • COTTON BALL
  • TREE NUT
  • “SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT”
  • GUM
  • GUM WRAPPER
  • GUM IN WRAPPER
  • SEX TOY
  • POOL NOODLE
  • PIECE OF STEAK

Throat

  • BANANA
  • PLASTIC TOY BANANA
  • “HAD WIFE’S EARRING IN HIS MOUTH AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
  • CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
  • TOY HORN
  • SALT FROM SALT LAMP
  • MULCH
  • “DRINKING COFFEE OUT OF CHIP DIP CONTAINER THAT HAD SOME PLASTIC SEAL IN PLACE & FELT PIECE BREAK OFF WHILE DRINKING. STILL IN THROAT”
  • THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK
  • SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO
  • MOOD RING
  • STEEL WOOL
  • “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE EATING PEANUTS”

Penis

  • PIPE CLEANER
  • STRAW
  • DOMINO
  • THIN ELECTRIFIED ROD
  • “PIECE OF HARD WHITE PLASTIC THAT HE BROKE OFF WHILE WORKING W/ CRAFTS”
  • BACK OF REMOTE CONTROL
  • METAL PAPER CLIP
  • FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS
  • TOILET PAPER
  • PEN CAP
  • 6 TO 7 BB PELLETS
  • “PUT SOAP ON ELECTRICAL WIRE, INSERTED WIRE IN PENIS”
  • CRACK VIAL
  • CRAFTING STRING
  • “FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”
  • CHAIN
  • PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGER
  • 3M COMMAND STRIP PLASTIC HOOK

Vagina

  • SMALL CHILD’S TOY
  • BATON
  • COLORED PENCIL
  • “INSERTED A CRAYON IN VAGINA, CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT CAME OUT”
  • MULTIPLE COTTON BALLS
  • CAP OF DEODORANT SPRAY
  • DOMINO
  • PIECES OF A PEN
  • GLASS PAPERWEIGHT
  • “HAD AN EGG VIBRATOR COME APART IN VAGINA LEAVING PART OF IT AND5 BATTERIES IN THE VAGINAL CANAL”
  • ARTIFICIAL FINGERNAIL
  • MAKEUP BRUSH
  • TOY PLASTIC BANANA
  • PENIS RING
  • “SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”

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Rectum

  • CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT BALL
  • BILLIARD BALL
  • NAIL FILE
  • SHOT GLASS
  • “CRACK COCAINE WITH SEX OBJECTS”
  • SD CARD
  • “JUMPED ON BED - TOOTHBRUSH WAS ON BED AND WENT UP PATIENT’S RECTUM”
  • “SAT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON A BALL POINT PEN, PEN LODGES IN RECTUM”
  • PLASTIC PENCIL CASE
  • MARKER
  • GREEN CRAYON
  • IPAD STYLUS
  • LUBE BOTTLE WITH CAP ON
  • LEG OF TELESCOPE
  • PLASTIC CIGAR HOLDER
  • “PUSHED DRUGS UP RECTUM USING A LIGHTER, WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DRUGS BAG YET BELIEVE LIGHTER GOT STUCK”
  • PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
  • TRAVEL SIZED MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
  • SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • FULL SIZED SHAMPOO BOTTLE
  • FULL SIZED AEROSOL CAN
  • GOLF BALL
  • TWO GOLF BALLS IN BAG
  • “TOOK A SODA BOTTLE WITH FIREBALL WHISKEY VIA HIS RECTUM, STUCK BOTTLE IN RECTUM AND SQUEEZED”
  • PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
  • 7 OZ BEER BOTTLE
  • BAR OF SOAP
  • CANDLE IN CONDOM
  • “SQUIRTED MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND WATER INTO RECTUM WANTING TO PREVENT AIDS”
  • LIGHT BULB
  • HANDLE OF BROOM
  • CELL PHONE
  • KEY CHAIN WITH FLASHLIGHT & BATTERY
  • “HAS VIBRATOR IN RECTUM AND TRIED TO REMOVE IT WITH SCREWDRIVER AND LACERATED RECTUM; OBJECT IN COLON NOW”
  • SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING

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Year In ReviewThe year. In review.