If Christmas is all about putting stuff up butts, New Year’s Day is the day to read about the many methods of absolute destruction of America’s dick and balls, and to be thankful it wasn’t you. Unless it was.

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All patient descriptions taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • PENIS LACERATION JUMPING OVER FENCE DOING PARKOUR
  • PUT A RUBBER BAND AROUND PENIS AND HAD BEEN THERE FOR TWO DAYS
  • WIPED PENIS W/TOWEL WITH BLEACH ON IT
  • WAS ROLLERSKATING & ACCIDENTALLY SKATED INTO THE LEG OF TABLE & INJURED PENIS
  • PUT A LOLLIPOP IN HIS UNDERPANTS SO MOM WOULDN’T SEE HIM TAKE IT TO SCHOOL.- THERE WERE ANTS UNDER WRAPPER-PENIS PAIN, INSECT BITES
  • SWIMMING IN POOL, TRIED TO “KICK OFF” WALL, KICKED SELF IN TESTICLE
  • DROPPED A TEXTBOOK ON HIS LEFT TESTICLE AT SCHOOL THEN HIT IT ON A VISE DURING SHOP CLASS
  • PLAYING BADMINTON IN GYM CLASS WHEN HE ACCIDENTALLY HIT HIMSELF IN THE TESTICLES WITH THE RACKET
  • RECOVERING FROM BASKETBALL PENIS INJURY, WAS HAVING INTENSE PENETRATIVE INTERCOURSE AND NOTICED PENILE SWELLING
  • HIT PENIS DOING BICEP CURLS, 20LB DUMBBELLS
  • WAS AT THE GYM SETTING A 45 POUND WEIGHT ON A STANDING POLE & SUSTAINED A CRUSH INJURY TO THE TIP OF HIS PENIS
  • HEAVY PILE OF CDS FELL ON PENIS
  • TESTICLE PAIN AFTER WEARING TIGHT PANTS
  • MOVING A HEAVY FLOWER POT AND IT TIPPED OVER INTO TESTICLES
  • RIDING BICYCLE AND GOT A HANGER CAUGHT IN TIRE SPOKE CAUSING PENIS TO HIT INTO HANDLEBARS
  • STEPPED OVER A BUCKET HIT LEFT TESTICLE ON RIM OF BUCKET
  • PLAYING BASEBALL SLIDING INTO BASE HIT TESTICLES ON BASE
  • JUMPED OUT OF BED BETWEEN HIS 2 DOGS, ONE OF THEM BIT HIS PENIS
  • RIDING HIS HORSE WHEN HE FELL OFF AND WAS STEPPED ON BY HORSE ON PENIS
  • WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AT HOME DID NOT TURN THE LIGHT ON AND RAN INTO THE DOOR HITTING HIS PENIS
  • FELL OFF THE TOILET
  • HAVING SEX WITH HIS GIRLFREIND WHILE SHE WAS WEARING UNDERWEAR AND SUSTAINED A PENIS LACERATION
  • PENIS CAUGHT IN FOOSBALL TABLE
  • WAS SLIDING DOWN BOUNCY HOUSE SLIDE & WAS KICKED BY CHILD RUNNING UP
  • BURNS TO PENIS. PATIENT STRUCK A MATCH TO A CUP OF GASOLINE THAT EXPLODED
  • WAS HIT IN THE PUBIC AREA BY A GLASS VASE THAT FELL; PENIS LACERATION
  • PUT A PLASTIC BOTTLE ON PENIS DURING MASTURBATION AND IS STUCK
  • SUSTAINED GENITAL EDEMA AFTER PLACING A PIECE OF PVC PIPE ON HIS PENIS BEFORE AN ORGY SIX DAYS AGO
  • BLOOD FROM PENIS AFTER BEING SQUEEZED BY ELASTIC WAIST OF PANTS
  • WAS AT FRIEND’S HOUSE AND SOMEONE THREW A SHOE AT HIS TESTICLES
  • HAVING TESTICLE PAIN WALKING UP STAIRS AFTER BEING HIT WITH SOCCER BALL, STICKS, ROCKS THROWN BY FRIENDS 7 DAYS AGO
  • USING TOILET; PATIENT’S BROTHER SHUT THE LID DOWN ON THE PATIENT’S PENIS
  • RECEIVED A “WEDGIE” BY UNDERWEAR BY HIS OLDER BROTHER. PENIS PAIN
  • HIT IN PENIS BY COUSIN
  • SWINGING WATER BOTTLE, STRUCK SELF IN RIGHT TESTICLE
  • SHAVING PUBIC HAIR ON GROIN, PENIS, WITH ELECTRIC HAIR TRIMMER, PAIN FROM ELECTRIC SHOCK
  • PLACED METAL RING AROUND PENIS FOR STIMULATION. NOW UNABLE TO REMOVE. LACERATION TO PENIS WHEN USING ELECTRIC TOOL TO CUT OFF, UNSUCCESSFUL
  • WENT TO SIT ON A BARSTOOL AND IT FLIPPED OVER SUSTAINED A CONTUSION TO PENIS
  • NEW LANDLORD THOUGHT HIS APT WAS EMPTY KICKED THE DOOR DOWN STRIKING HIM IN THE TESTICLES AND FACE