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What Horrible Things Did We Do To Our Penises Last Year?

Happy new year, one and all. This year, resolve to take better care of your dick and balls; last year you did a really bad job of it.

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Last week we examined what Americans got stuck up their butts; now it’s on to the opposite of the butt, the penis. All patient descriptions are taken verbatim from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits:

  • DROPPED COMPUTER TABLET WHILE TRYING TO GET OFF TOILET; PENIS LACERATION
  • TRIED TO MAKE A MOLD OF PENIS AND TESTICLES WITH PUTTY WHICH IS NOW STUCK ON SKIN
  • WAS SLIDING DOWN A FLAG POLE FROM THE ROOF OF HIS HOUSE CUTTING PENIS
  • TESTICULAR PAIN AND SWELLING AFTER WEARING A BUNGEE CORDAS A BELT
  • PLAYING BASEBALL WHEN ACCIDENTALLY STRUCK OWN TESTICLES SWINGING A BAT
  • PLAYING BASEBALL SLID INTO BASE WHEN STRIKING HIS TESTICLES ON BASE
  • TIED OFF HIS TESTICLE AND PENIS WITH STRING TO KEEP HIS HARDON DURING SEX
  • SHAVED PENIS AND TESTICLES LAST NIGHT. APPLIED DISH SOAP TO AREA AFTERWARD. NOW WITH DIFFUSE RASH
  • SPRAY PAINTING GOT PAINT ON FORESKIN OF PENIS CAUSING PAIN
  • WAS TAKING A SHOWER AND USING A ROUGH BRUSH TO CLEAN HIS GENITALIA; CUTS TO PENIS
  • FELL AND KEYS IN POCKET LACERATED GENITALS
  • WAS DRIVING WHILE HOLDING A CUP OF COFFEE PASSED OUT SPILLED HIS CUP OF COFFEE SCALD BURNS TO PENIS
  • LACERATION OF TESTICLE AFTER HITTING HIMSELF IN THE TESTICLES WITH A TIRE IRON WHILE ATTEMPTING TO CHANGE A TIRE
  • PENIS CAUGHT IN METAL SPRING MATTRESS
  • RIDING MOUNTAIN BIKE HIT A BRICK SUSTAINING STRADDLE INJURY FROM SEAT THEN FALLING DOWN HILL
  • SOMEONE STEPPED ON A RAKE AND ITS HANDLE STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLES
  • SPILLED BOILING HOT PEAS ON PENIS
  • PLAYING VIDEO GAME AND TWISTED AND INJURED TESTICLE
  • TESTICLE PAIN AFTER SITTING & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES FOR EXTENDED TIME
  • PATIENTS STATES TOP OF 2 LITER COKE BOTTLE PLACED AROUND PENIS WHILE SLEEPING, PATIENT HAD BEEN DRINKING, UNABLE TO REMOVE
  • SUSTAINED LACERATION TO PENIS WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO CUT OFF A METAL COCK RING
  • SWELLING TO PENIS AFTER USING PENIS PUMP
  • WAS AT A HOUSE RIDING A SCOOTER NAKED WHEN HE FELL FORWARD GETTING SCROTUM CAUGHT ON SCOOTER
  • SLIPPED IN RAIN OUTSIDE, RAN INTO WALL WITH INJURY TO GLANS OF PENIS; HAD ERECTION PRIOR TO TRAUMA
  • WAS AT A FRATERNITY PARTY DRINKING ALCOHOL SAT ON A GLASS WHICH BROKE CUTTING RIGHT SCROTUM
  • RASH TO HIS PENIS & IRRITATION WHEN PATIENT PUTS HIS UNDERWEAR ON
  • SCROTAL PAIN SINCE WAS HIT WITH A WATER BALLOON YESTERDAY AT THE PARK
  • STANDING ON RADIATOR AND SLIPPED OFF AND CAUGHT PENIS ON VALVE
  • IN BED WHEN ROLLED OVER ON TOOTHPICK; LACERATION PENIS
  • PLAYING ON SOFA WITH COUSIN AND COUSIN BIT PATIENT IN SCROTUM
  • LOCKED SELF OUT OF THE HOUSE SO HE CLIMBED THROUGH A SMALL WINDOW; CAUGHT HIS TESTICLES
  • HALLUCINATING THERE ARE SNAKES IN SCROTUM SO HE RUBBER BANDED HIS TESTICLES SO THEY DON’T ESCAPE; METH ABUSE
  • WAS BREAK DANCING ON FLOOR WHEN BELT BUCKLE CUT HIS PENIS
  • RIDING SKATEBOARD EARLIER TODAY TO SHOW NEPHEW TECHNIQUE, LANDED ON SKATEBOARD WHEN IT WAS VERTICAL; PAIN TESTICLES
  • WAS WORKING ON HIS CAR WHEN THE HOOD OF THE CAR SLAMMED DOWN ON HIS PENIS AND RIPPED OUT HIS PIERCING
  • WAS SHOOTING FIRECRACKER & IT CAME BACK HITTING LEFT SHAFT OF PENIS
  • GROIN PAIN AFTER LEG WENT THROUGH FLOOR OF TRAILER HOUSE
  • WAS WALKING WITH A GOLF CLUB, CLUB GOT STUCK ON SIDEWALK HITTING PATIENT IN TESTICLES
  • WAS KICKED IN SCROTUM WHILE TRAINING IN BOXING
  • BITTEN ON PENIS BY BLACK FIRE ANT
  • CUT PENIS ON CAN OPENER
  • HIT IN GROIN WITH PAINT BALL SHOT FROM 15 FT AWAY; CONTUSION PENIS
  • WAS SITTING ON A COUCH WHEN FRIEND’S DOG (SMALL TERRIER MIX) CAME UP AND BIT HIS PENIS
  • PLAYING TUG-OF-WAR W/ DOG AND THE BALL ON ROPE HIT RIGHT TESTICLE
  • TESTICLE PAIN X 1 WEEK, WORSE AFTER HE GOES SKATEBOARDING OR WHEN HIS DOG STEPPED ON HIS TESTICLES
  • WHILE PERFORMING AT CLUB, SOMEONE REACHED UP AND PULLED ON ONE OF HIS PENIS RINGS, TEARING SKIN
  • HAD BEEN CHOPPING HOT PEPPERS. WENT TO RESTROOM AND TOUCHED HIS PENIS. USED BLEACH TO TRY TO CLEAN PENIS
  • SMASHED PENIS IN BETWEEN TWO WHEELBARROWS
  • FELL OFF TOILET, FELL ONTO A MOUSE TRAP, TRAP CLOSED ON PENIS
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